Is anyones elses partner an alcholholic? How do you live with it?

[alittleone2]

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[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You have written at some length about him before and at that time you received good advice.

The ball is very much in your court; you can either stay and continue to be downtrodden and miserable or you can make a new life for yourself without him. What's it to be?. Don't just react - act.

What would it take for you to leave?. Look how awful things are now at home; read your post again. What would you advise a friend to do in this situation?. Quite apart from anything else DSD cannot cannot come into such a damaging environment. A house should be a sanctuary for a child, not a warzone.

You are his enabler and it seems you feel responsible still for him. All he is doing is dragging you down with him. He is responsible for his own actions; you have not caused him to act like this. If he goes into meltdown then so be it; you did not cause that to happen either. You cannot fix him so don;t even try. He is a product of his own parents's dysfunction. He has to want to change and he shows no sign of wanting to change; he's on his own path to self destruction. You do not have to join him.

What's more important - saving your own life and sanity or hanging on in there so as not to pay the fixed rate penalty charge?.

He will kill you if you stay; he's also doing a bang up job of destroying any self worth you have left.

[hercules1]

Have you tried alanon? You really must if you havent already.

You wont like their advice I'm afraid though. There really is no choice here as I guess you know but to leave regardless of any financial or other implications.

[ginnedup]

Hi AL2.
Why do you have to leave. He's being violent and abusive to you so he should go.
Do you have children with him?
I know what you are going through, I've been there too and although my DP is nowhere near as bad as yours he has had his moments.
The bottom line is that he won't stop doing this so you have to decide if you can carry on like this until October or not. Your dsd isn't your responsibility, and coming to live with you at this point would be like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
I'm sorry I don't have the answers but I didn't want to ignore this one - I would definitely give Al Anon a try (I'm going for my first session next week so I'll let you know what happens if you like).
You deserve a better life than this. Don't let him drag you down any more.

[flossiefumble]

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[alittleone2]

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[charliecat]

What does he say? Does he deny he has a problem?
Does he know you have had enough?

[alittleone2]

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[alittleone2]

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[charliecat]

oh, ok
I thought you know one last chance to change and all that before you do go.
So you know you have given him the chance, but if its you Not him then theres no chance is there

You know what you have to do.
Start gathering things needed for a new start then, encourage him to pay for his share of things so you can put some money by etc.

, but i bet in a year you will be a lot happier and you will wonder how you ever lived with it

[flossiefumble]

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[alittleone2]

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[itsahardknocklife]

Although my situation is in no way as serious as yours, I would just like to offer my support and I agree with flossiefumble that now you must concentrate on yourself and your child. My partner is an alcoholic, although it has been relatively under control for a year or so after he received a lot of help. He is also bi-polar, and sadly I can currently see him going downwards so I know we are in for a rough time, and he is drinking a bit more at the moment, which really sets the alarm bells ringing for me. It's comforting to know that you are not alone, though, isn't it?
Don't blame yourself - and what his sister said is in no way helpful.

[llareggub]

My DH is an alcoholic and has been sober for 16 months. He was also drinking every day but was never abusive towards me. In fact drink made him emotional and tearful mostly.

I never gave him an ultimatum. Things came to a head when he admitted to a friend of ours that he had a problem with alcohol. Following that, he tried to give up on his own by going cold turkey. We know now that this was a stupid and dangerous thing to do.

The GP referred my DH to an alcohol advisory service who told him that they could help him become a social drinker. This was a terrible, terrible time because my DH became convinced that he could continue to drink and things spiralled to a very difficult time for us.

Eventually his drinking became worse and we considered finding some sort of in house treatment for him. Luckily, the people that he'd met at AA previously were around to help and we managed to get him back to meetings.

This time my DH threw himself into AA meetings and is following the 12 step programme. It helped that he admitted to a problem and was committed to recovery. To an extent I was secondary to his recovery. He did it all alone.

Now, 16 months on, he has a sponsor and runs his own AA meeting once a week. Life has changed in quite a few ways. I'm no longer embarrassed by the inappropriate use of humour and the amount of alcohol consumed. He has lost weight and has far more pride in himself and his appearance. He is better company, and rarely falls asleep on the sofa. Oh, and he has stopped snoring! But we are also closer now than we have ever been His alcoholism has made us stronger but not complacent. He still takes ADs but is working with his GP to drop his dose.

Your DH can beat it but he needs to admit that he has a problem and want to stop drinking. Otherwise nothing will change and will only get worse.

[itsahardknocklife]

that's a very positive story, llareggub, thank you.

[littlewoman]

My dad was an alcoholic. You don't have to leave him, but you do need to learn some better coping strategies if you are going to stay, littleone.

Alanon is an excellent organisation for helping you to do this. You can find them in the phone book, or I'm sure the samaritans, orthe GP will be able to help with their number.

First thing's first - stop supporting him. Budget your money. Pay what you need to pay. You clearly can't rely on him for financial support, so don't bother expecting anything from him. BUT don't help him out either.

Secondly, detach. His problem with the alcohol. Not yours. Don't see any of this as your fault. If he gets nasty, remove yourself and your children, go back when he is calmer. But don't argue with him, (man, they LOVE to argue) and don't play his daft games.

This is one situation I could NEVER put up with, it is such a head f**k, but that's easy for me to say. Please please find somebody to support you and validate your thoughts so you don't feel you are going through it alone. I understand you can't leave, but you don't have to stay and go through it all unsupported. ((()))

[lemonstartree]

alittleone2.

i've been there , tho my husband is a drug addict, ( he is an alcoholic too but he gave up alcohol before we met)

I cant put it any better than Attila, in the end this is not your problem its his. He drinks because it is the most important thing in his life, He cares neither for you nor his children anything like as much as he loves alcohol.

You have a choice, you can say or you can go. Your children have no choice and should not ave to put up with an abusive alcoholic in he house.
Its not about your relationship with him, its about putting the needs of your children above the addict.

I have bumped the support thread that has been a bit quiet lately - there are unfortunately plenty of us in that position.

FWIW I walked, with my kids and away from everything. I have never regretted it. It was the only thing to do. Fortunateley for my husband he then realised what an utter prick he was and had been. he left the home, went to NA, got clean, and eventually I have given him anither chance.

You have no chance at the moment, and more importantly neither do your kids.

he wont stop because he cant unless HE wants to. Get out before he destroys you too

good luck

lst

[flossiefumble]

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[noddyholder]

My dp is a recovering alcoholic also used AA in teh beginning and hasn't had a drink in 15+ yrs.Can't really remember the old him although a few occasions have stayed with me and i don't know how you live with it day in day out.I can just say that life for us is great and so if he decided to seek help everything will change otherwise you will have to go

[mashedup]

Hi

I agree that he can get help, but only if he wants it and admits he has a problem.
My exh would never admit to having a problem, his parents were alcoholics, and they wouldn't admit it either.
I had to leave, taking my dcs with me, as the police were concerned for my safety.
Good luck.

[JakesMum05]

I know this is perhaps a bit late as most things have been said but my Dad is an alcoholic (never admitted by him) and my mum only left him last year. I begged her to leave him when i was a child from 11ish onwards and she never did. He was rarely violent (early incidents stick in my mind) but the agression, the hold he had over my mum (and kind of still does) was debilitating for her. She blamed herself entirely and hated being so weak but always thought it was best to stick it out for the sake of money (they had none but she had so little self esteem because of him, that she didn't think she'd be able to manage!) and me, despite my begging to leave.
I resent her a bit for not leaving, although she means the world to me, and i know if she'd left, me and my life might have gone differently and i might not have my little boy (every cloud).
But i would recommend you leave him, especially if he's violent. My mother is nearly 60 and alone for the first time in her adult life, she has no confidence and can never forsee starting a new relationship, if she had left sooner she might have found someone else or had a bit of a life. His attitude towards alcohol still hasn't changed and i think he would save a can of beer over me (his only child) any day. He had a wonderful wife, nice house and could have been a perfect family man but for the booze. my mum always said he made her laugh and wen he was sober he was fine (he wasn't, he was always a bit of paranoid, self involved t**t)

My Mum's lonely, he's oblivious to anything or anyone, manipulative and a pain in the arse and my DH can't have a drink more than 2 nights a week because of my obsession and controlfreak behaviour over alcohol.
Do what's best for you. My father still won't admit he has a problem and never will. good luck

[noaddedsugar]

Have just quickly scanned through this because it's late, but, have recently left lovely (when sober) xp because he is an alcoholic, in denial, sadly, and he has blamed the whole break up on me. Eventually left because my beautiful dd deserves better, and had to absolve myself of responsibility for his ds, because at the end of the day, you can't reason with someone in the throes of addiction, you just have to get you and your loved ones out and into a better place.

[alittleone2]

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