Feeling unsupported...kind of

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Hi.
2 years ago I had a late missed miscarriage, when I was living apart from my DH. He couldn't get back in time to be with me for the D&C or the immediate emotional aftermath. However, I do think he appreciates how I felt, and he was also devastated. I'm pregnant now, 20 + 3, and going a bit doolally. I'm anxious, weepy and not bonding with the baby, which I feel guilty about. Some night I feel like I want to talk to him about it and he's usually pretty good, but last night he got annoyed, and said that he doesn't like to think about the past and has said all he has to say about it. I understand that he is also worried and deals with it differently, and it might make him feel worse to talk it over, but am I wrong to think I'm more important?
I told him that with that attitude I would stop telling him how I feel and deal with it on my own which upset him and he made me say I wouldn't do that, so he is trying. It's also made worse by the fact that we have our 20 wk scan this week and he's adamant he doesn't want to find out. He has said I can but that's not the point. I've tried everything...but he's not budging. I feel it would help me to bond with the baby and see it as a real person, and again, I think he should give me this concession. Do you think I'm being selfish? I kind of think he should do/say whatever to make me feel better but I know that's ignoring his feelings - and I feel so guilty that I'm being such a pain sometimes (irrational I know) and that we aren't enjoying this pregnancy.

[Fllight]

Oh how sad for you
I can't offer much advice on the dH questions, but fwiw, I couldn't bond with my second baby - different reasons, I didn't like its father, was unsupported as in being alone - but I needed to know its gender in order to help me see it as a person too.
It did help a bit, but it didn't solve it entirely as once I'd found out I still felt very lost and ambivalent.
It was only towards the end that I started to become less afraid of not loving it, and after he was born, I looked at him and saw he had a nice little face that wasn't much like his dad's but more like me as a baby - that I began to allow myself to love him, and I fell head over heels

I don't think you are being selfish, it is different to be the one carrying the child, I hope you can manage to feel a bit better soon.
Could you find out and not tell DH? I'd fnd that hard!! xx

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Thanks
no I couldn't! I'd tell my family and friends and it would get to him very quickly, and also I want to enjoy it together, not keep it as a secret.
thanks for sharing that, I do hope that as the preg progresses I'll start to believe it a bit more...but I'm scared of getting attached
xxx

[Fllight]

Oh, I think it is normal for you to feel this way...I'm so sorry you lost a child before.
It sounds like you haven't had the chance to deal with that together, which is very difficult.
20 weeks is a good stage to be at, most of the danger is past I think.
There are loads of women here who have been through pregnancy after MC and I am not sure where they are this morning but I'm sure someone will be able to reassure you, and will have felt exactly the same way.

[FAWKEOFF]

it is absolutely normal for you to feel like this.....i have had 3 missed miscarriages and gone on to have 2 beautiful children. I will be honest with you, you will not stop fretting untill you are holding your baby in your arms...you will panic over every little thing and be at the hospital at least once a week to make sure baby is fine.

it's just normal to feel like this
you have come a long way and there isnt that long to go now x as regards to knowing the sex of the baby i cannot advise you on that x

[BecauseImWorthIt]

I'm not surprised you're not bonding with the baby - you are terrified that things won't go well with this pregnancy. I know exactly how you feel - I had a miscarriage after ds1 and when I was pregnant with ds2 I couldn't ever really relax and try to enjoy being pregnant. The whole thing was about getting from one milestone to the next.

But your DH is suffering here to - and I'm afraid you are not more important than him. It's something that you have to face and deal with together. And it doesn't sound like there's much togetherness going on here. You will (both of you) have to make some concessions and compromises, but above all talk to each other. If he doesn't want to keep re-visiting things then I think you do have to respect that - try and focus on what is to be rather than what was not to be.

And you can't find out the baby's sex if DH doesn't want to - because there's no way that would remain a secret.

Sorry - it's easy to say all this! Try as much as you can to focus on the positives of your situation and enjoy this time together.

And if DH won't/can't talk about it, there are plenty of us on MN who will!

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

becauseimworthit

thanks. I know I'm not really...and he's usually really great....and I know he deals with things differently. He thinks I wallow and I think he avoids... Oh well, we'll get through it! Have woken up feeling much more positive! xxx

[littlewoman]

Perhaps he thinks, in a superstitious kind of way, that talking about your first pregnancy might put the mockers on your second, IYSWIM - like tempting fate or something.

Hope all continues to be well with you and your baby

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

well he is very superstitious - so maybe. That's why he doesn't want to find out. Drives me mad, cos I'm not.