Did you get together with your OH in a complicated way? how do you handle the decision?

[beaniesteve]

I was with someone for 12 years (not married, no kids) but left him for another man about 16 months ago. My ex had drinking nproblems (basically an alcoholic) and I had been unhappy for a loong time - we both had really. We'd bought a house together, had a long history together but I wanted kids and I couldn't cope with his drinking anymore. A friendship I had made online started to develop and as we saw more of eachother in real life (he was fairly local) our feelings developed into something more serious. I wouldn't sleep with him without sorting out the situation with my now Ex but we were basically having an affair all be it an emotional one.

So I ended it with my ex, lived with him for 10 months while we waited for the house to sell and basically had to watch his (the ex) life unravel in front of me. It was hell.

Eventually I bought a new house, my new boyfriend moved in and we are still happy and going strong. We are trying for a baby and my life is different in every way.

But... I still have moments of guilt (which my mum says is a useless wasted emotion) and can't help worrying about my ex despite not seeing him for 8 months. I feel like I dumped on him from a great height and want to know he is ok. Not because I regret where I am but because I don't want to feel like I have ruined his life. That's entirely selfish of me I know, because I just want to make myself feel better by knowing he is doing fine.

When we split I wanted us to try and remain friends but I quickly realised that this was his choice to make, not mine, and he chose to cut all ties. He also acted like a complete bastard throughout most of the time we had to live together but I accepted that this was probably what I deserved and so I forgave him every bad thing he did.

How long does it take before you start to stop worrying and feeling guilty I wonder?

[SheWillBeLoved]

Why do you feel guilty for wanting and having a better life than what your ex could give you?

You say you were both unhappy, so splitting was the natural thing to do. Move on. You can't keep letting your past eat away at you. Concentrate on what and who you have now and just hope that he has sorted himself out, and if he hasn't, then be thankful that you got out when you did.

[beaniesteve]

Yeah - you're so right. I had a bit of counselling when I first moved in with my BF and was told I was trying to control a situation I had no right to which is just typical of me.

I miss my dog though

but I am happier, I am TTC, and I know I made the right decision

[Pheebe]

You say: That's entirely selfish of me I know, because I just want to make myself feel better by knowing he is doing fine.
When we split I wanted us to try and remain friends but I quickly realised that this was his choice to make, not mine, and he chose to cut all ties.

There's your answer right there, his choice, leave him alone to live his own life. Also lose the guilt, your mums right, its a waste of energy. It takes 2 for a relationship to fail. It was as much his responsibility to make it work as yours.

You were with him for a long time so its natural for you to feel the way you do and its likely a part of you always will. But you have a new partner now who deserves to have your full attention...especially if babies are on the card

[GrapefruitMoon]

if your ex is an alcoholic but won't acknowledge it, I think think it is "normal" for him to be angry and blame you for the split, because he can't see what he has done wrong iyswim...

I know it is hard because you are so used to looking out for him, etc but you need to look out for yourself now. Have you considered going to Al-Anon to get some perspective on this so you can move on with your life?