anyone have a DP who cross dresses .... need someone to talk to please

[mumtotwopickles]

Have name changed ....its not a recent thing, l have known for around 16 years of our 17 year relationship. No one but me knows, for obvious reasons cannot talk to anyone we know. Have two small DC.

DP seems to be taking things to another level in past months, wanting to go out dressed at night etc. Up until now l had been supportive as l could, perhaps too accomodating in retrospect, but feel uncomfortable about where this is going.

Had a disagreement on Friday (unrelated) so l decided to go and visit my folks for the weekend with the kids, leave him to stew l thought ... email from him monday, he had spent some of the weekend 'dressed up' at home, then drove out to a remote part of town and walked up and down in the dark before coming home. He says he feels liberated but confused.

We both agree the children should never see him dressed, so he does it only at night, usually the weekends when they are in bed. But as they get older it will become more difficult.

Our sex life is non-existent at the moment, part having two DC under 3, still BFing 8 month old and trying to lose weight so l do not feel confident, but also l find seeing him in female clothes more and more a turn off.

When it was only occasional l could deal with it, it is part of the man l love, but it seems to be becoming more of a life style now and not a fetish thing.

l don't know what to do ... l fear 20 years down the line, DC are making their own lives and l am told by DP he wants to go and live out his desires, whatever they might be.

How can l give him an ultimatum ? you cannot repress something like this, l know he has tried several times over the years.

But l really cannot see how his needs fit with those of a young and growing family ??

anyone else any experience ...

[Winetimeisfinetime]

I don't have any personal experience but there was a recent thread on this here :www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=1375&threadid=514119#10425540

[Janni]

Would he agree to have counselling about this?

I don't have any personal experience, but I used to work for the Samaritans and you wouldn't believe how many calls we got from cross-dressers.

I can imagine this is VERY difficult for you.

[mumtotwopickles]

He is seeing a therapist, he has suffered from anxiety and depression to a greater or lesser extent all of the time l have known him. l think now that this is related to the cross dressing.

He does not do it for a few weeks and then this pressure turns to a need, he becomes really grumpy and irritable, cross dresses, then feels repulsed and vows never to do it again. But just lately he has bought more and more things off ebay.

He is seeing his therapist about anxiety and is going to explain the cross dressing this week at his session.

Thanks for the thread link, l have read it. Problem is l have seen him dressed. He does not just like the clothes, but also likes to be humiliated and made to be a maid or the suchlike. l have tried, but being it is just not in me to be so domineering to anyone. So its not just about having his space to dress, it also involves me to help him create his fantasies.

We have spoken about me seeing a counsellor to talk this through. l am worried though that l need to make a decision about whether l can live with this and how l explain to my family why we have split. l would never betray DPs confidence, but also feel like l was keeping something from my parents. l think they know something is wrong already.

[oiFoiF]

could you to relate or similar?

this is beyond my knowledge but you both seem quite unhappy and felt I need to acknowledge this you poor things

[Citronella]

I really have no experience of this sort of thing precisely but what I do know is that if it has gone beyond the realms of where you feel comfortable in the relationship you need to start thinking more about yourself and your needs. So far you have been very accomodating of his. Does he consider you as much? As you say your children are young and this will not go away. Whether its counselling, time out or a more permanent break, take some care of yourself.

xx

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Have either of you heard of the Beaumont Society?. They should be able to offer support to both of you. You both need support and understanding.

Have put up a link for you and there is also information for partners:-

www.beaumontsociety.org.uk

[mumtotwopickles]

Citronella, your comment 'does he consider you as much ?' is something l am also considering. The answer is no, l seem to be his on call support, l however am treated like crap quite frankly since l became a SAHM. l feel the whole relationship is too one sided.

It should be about give and take. However if l am honest, even if he was the perfect partner in every other way, l would still be struggling with this.

The Beaumont society l have heard of and l have looked at their web site before. The cross dressing is one thing, and l think they could help me if that is all l was trying to accept and live with, however as l have mentioned the other humiliation and bondage stuff whilst cross dressed l don't think l can accomodate. We might have to conclude that we are not sexually compatable. l just wish we had realised this before we had our children, l cannot bear for them to have to go through a break up and all it entails.

[littlewoman]

Okay, you're going to hate me for saying this, but could he go to a 'Madam' for this sort of kick? I'm really sorry if that offends you. There are some people who could put up with that to keep the family together, so I was only trying to consider all angles.

[littlewoman]

I feel like I shouldn't have said that now. Sorry

[myermay]

i have no personal experience of this. But you sound like a wonderful wife, i don't honestly think that i could tolerate it adn live a normal life, as though it was a normal thing to do.

Sorry, i hope you get some constructive advise on here

[madamez]

LIttlewoman has a very valid suggestion and one which it is worth considering, because your DH is never going to be able to 'just stop and behave like a proper normal person'. Indeed, the more he tells himself, and feels, that his desires are disgusting and wrong, the stronger his compulsion to indulge them will become.
This is not at all to say that you should engage with his sexual fantasies and help him act them out if you find them repulsive: your sexuality is as valid as his: is he prepared to have the kind of sex that you prefer, as well as wanting the kind he likes? If he is happy to have sex that pleases you on some occasions then your relationship is definitely worth working on; if sex has become a chore for you because he insists on it being done 'his' way then things need to change. There are basically 3 possible options here.

1. You decide that his other good qualities make it worth you indulging his sexual tastes, you read up on fetishism and cross dressing (and with any luck, find some aspects of it that are actually erotic for you) and you give it a go). This is only recommended if he is a really wonderful partner in every other way, otherwise you will end up resenting him too badly to be able to continue.
   
2. He goes to see a professional Mistress for a session of dressing up and humiliation etc. Drawbacks to this one include that it will not be cheap, you may find it unbearable that he is getting any kind of sexual gratification outside the marriage (even though penetrative sex will be very, very unlikely in this sort of scenario).
   
3. You agree to split up because your desires are fundamentally incompatible, and you do so as amicably as possible because this is really not anyone;s fault.
   Best of luck and I am sorry you are in this situation.

[mumtotwopickles]

Little woman, no apology needed, l had already thought the same. However we both agreed neither could do it.

Madamez - l have been living option 'a' for some years, however only to indulge him, not that l find it erotic in any way unfortunately.

Basically our sex life is seperate to this, albeit non existent at the moment due to other factors, mainly my confidence.

But things have changed over the past couple of months, he wants to be forced to go out dressed, so as a trial l made him go to the Mcdonalds drive thru late one night (don't laugh) for an apple pie for me - we both agreed it was probably a step too far with the neighbours etc and vowed not to do it again. But a few days later he confessed to thinking constantly about it and wanting to go further ie. walk out at night. Now he talks of wanting to go out with me as his 'girlfriend', where l do not know.

This is why l am starting to feel out of my depth, where will it end - l don't feel comfortable socialising with him in fem mode. Equally really concerned for the kids growing up with this - eg; finding out by accident or me being a miserable mum because l am not happy.

l keep thinking of option c - but do not know how l will handle telling everyone why we have decided to split, we will have to come up with a mutual version we both feel comfortable with. l have only ever slept with DP, we have been together since l was 17, the thought of starting over scares the hell out of me, but so does 20 years from now wishing l had walked now and not muddled through.

[Janni]

I think madamez has laid things out in a very clear, sensible way. It could well be that there is a safe outlet, outside your marital relationship, for him to pursue this need whilst not breaking up your marriage.

You do sound like a very tolerant wife!

[vonsudenfed]

I don't have any experience of this, but would you consider going to counselling together. His counsellor is working with him, on him - but that isn't considering you.

It sounds as though he needs to be made to face up to the consequences of what he wants to do. Now you could do that by leaving, splitting up; but you could also try counselling together as a space to make him hear you - without having to do anything permanent. And if you do still split up, at least you will hav done everything you can.

But I feel for you, it is an impossible situation.

[OsmosisBanana]

I think you are an incredibly supportive and considerate woman, no advice I'm afraid - I'm not sure I could cope with it. Good luck with however you choose to progress things.

[madamez]

Mum2pickles, you might find it helpful to look for both support groups for partners of transvestites and more general groups for partners of/people into fetishism. There is a book called When SOmeone You Love Is Kinky by Gloria Brame which you might find helpful (should be available on Amazon) because it does, as far as i know, address the fact that just because your partner has a fetish, doesn't mean that you have to have one. Now while I (obviously) do not think that either crossdressing nor BDSM games nor any kind of fetishism are inherently wrong, in your situation you and your DP need to find a way of making it not just all about him but acknowledging that your feelings are important as well.

[mumtotwopickles]

We have just had a really long, open and honest talk. We both reached the conclusion that a seperation seems to be our only option. He is adamant he cannot stop his cross dressing etc and that he does not know how far it needs to go. On the other hand we both feel him getting the space to do so outside the home is not acceptable, but finding time and privacy with the children in the home is becoming increasingly difficult. Very sad, he has gone to bed early work start tommorrow, l am left with a (small) glass of gin and no hope of getting any sleep tonight.

[Citronella]

If I am honest I think you are doing the right thing. You also deserve a life of your own and all this seems to be taking up all his spare time to indulge in his needs not yours or the children. I empathise exactly with what you mean by "the thought of starting over scares the hell out of me, but so does 20 years from now wishing l had walked now and not muddled through." You may both fare better apart as friends if you can be.

[namechangedad]

Hi - i already posted this on the "other" crossdressing thread.

I know that I should, strictly speaking, be over on Dadsnet discussing the Kylie or Danni thing, but maybe I can help someone.

I'm a crossdresser, a low grade, like-to-wear-something-pretty-sometimes sort of crossdresser, but technically a crossdresser none the less.

From the age of about 7 or 8 I found that I felt pretty good in my sisters clothes, and yes, wearing makeup felt good too. I hid it, because I knew it wasn't normal, and I hated it too, because it wasn't normal, which came from the fact that I had to hide it - does that make sense so far?

When I left home, even at a big City University there was no way I was going to be public about it, but I did fall in to the trap of assuming that I was probably gay. For that reason i avoided relationships, because obviously (it seemed) women wouldn't be interested in me, and frankly the idea of sex with men made me feel a bit queasy. I tried it a couple of times, and it wasn't just "not my thing", it was deeply demeaning and unpleasant.

Anyway, I tried, very hard, to just be "normal" as much as possible. Somehow I met a woman who was ok, in fact seemed very happy to accept this as a part of me. It was sometimes a sexual thing, sometimes not.

I can understand the idea that it is a compulsion. Sometimes it's seeing a dress or a skirt that makes me think about it, and just as often it's a woman i might pass in the street - whereas most men might think "look at those legs" I think about how nice it would be to have someone like that want to see me dressed up - partially because it's "pretty" and yes, to an extent, because it is different, a little quirky.

Anyway, I think that I am normal, and for a long time, it has been a small element of the relationship that has defined my life.

I am now a lapsed crossdressr - we have children, and my wife feels that it has to stop, which I understand, even if sometimes I find it very hard, because it feels a bit like it did when I was a teenager.

Most of all, I wish i could talk to someone about it, both casually, and sometimes in a more serious fashion - I don't know if i fit in to any of the categories, definitions, or know why I feel the way I do some of the time - it is not sexual, but it is an element of my sexual identity. The problem, I am afraid, with any of the internet based resources is it appears to be full of people who basically want to have sex with you.

I would be happy to talk to anyone for their benefit, confused partner or guilt wracked partner, if that would help, but if I could say one thing, it would be "it's difficult". Both sides in any relationship could do well to remember that.

[littlemissturquoise]

mumtotwopickles - I hope you have had not too bad a night and feel perhaps relieved that you have had such an honest chat with your partner. You sound like an incredibly strong, wonderful person. I think that you need to put yourself first and your children and stop thinking about what other people are going to think. Your family and friends would probably prefer to find out about what has been happening so that they can support you, than see you shrink into yourself in misery and what would that do to your children?

I think that no matter what, you should get some counselling/Reiki/acupuncture/reflexology and start looking after yourself and basically loving yourself.

Remember, that when one door shuts, another one opens......

Good luck and I'll be thinking of you.

[madamez]

Mumof2pickles, it is undoubtedly a good thing that you have been able to have such an honest chat with your partner, and I hope that you will be able to have an amicable split and even remain friends (it may be a lot easier to be friends when his sexuality is no longer your problem). I understand there will probably be a big temptation to tell everyone else why you are splitting up, but this could backfire really badly and end up with everyone being hurt. It might be better to agree a polite fiction that insults no one, with your partner, and stick to it.

[littlewoman]

Well done NCD for your remarks. Do you know the stupid thing, Eddie Izzard is a cross dresser, and I would be incredibly proud to walk down the road with him because he is an amazing guy (no, not because he's famous, because he's intelligent and warm, and humane and all sorts). But he's been through the fire and come out the other side. It's allowed because he's famous. It's not allowed if you're just an average Joe. You have to be shamed back into the closet (not the gay closet, the ladies closet).

Mumof2p's, I'm so sorry your relationship has come to this. It is incredibly sad for both of you.

[namechangedad]

Thank you little - I do really feel for mumoftwo, and her husband - when I started relationships without saying anything it always gnawed at me, and I suspect contributed to any problems that occurred - and then when I was brave enough 'fess up - well, it didn't always go down well, and I ended up getting abusive mail from one womans brother. When I finally really fell in love though, I had to say something, and it was ok, for a long time. It is a bit different now, as I said, and I do "miss" that side of me, if I'm honest.

[dalefeather]

My dh does, well at least I think he still does. I caught him at it just before we were due to get married. I really didnt know what to do, I was young and barely knew what it was all about. Anyway, at first he done it with my knowledge but I just couldnt handle it. So we had a big discussion and I said I didnt want to know when and if he does it. I am oblivious to it now but do know of a box at the back of the wardrobe with female clothes in that arent mine. Perhaps I'm sticking my head in the sand a bit, but our relationship is fine, I'm not aware of it, he is 'normal' in every other sense of the word and is 100% male. I love him to bits and couldnt bare to let this get in our way so this is the way we have found to cope. To be honest I really do not know how much he does and if he does, he assured me years ago that he would never go out of the house. And I also made him promise me faithfully years ago that if we have any kids they should never ever find out.