How did the birth of your child change your relationship?

[tinierclanger]

I know this is a bit similar to 'The birth of our child has destroyed our relationship' thread... but I just really want to get a feel for realistically how things are going to change.

We're expecting our first baby in the summer and are both really looking forward to it, but I'm also starting to feel a bit anxious about how much it will change things between us. We're both in our mid 30's (well I am, DP is more around the 30 mark and have only been together a few years, love each other dearly and spend a lot of time together - we have some separate interests and friends, but most of what we do, we do together.

What can we do to make sure we don't lose this special bond between us, when we become a family? I want us to be a 3, but also to be able to be a 2 as well, if you see what I mean? Or is that just selfish? Am I being unrealistic?

[SheWillBeLoved]

You're not being unrealistic, it'll be hard no doubt but i'm sure you know that.

I suppose the trick is to make sure that you allocate time to be a 3, and also a 2. It's all too easy to slip into your own routine and shut other people out when you have your first, you want to do everything yourself etc but make sure that he's an 'active dad', get him involved whenever he can be. Pop the baby in the pram and take a stroll through the park as it will be summer - it's little simple things that make all the difference. As for being a 2,just try to make sure that at the end of a busy day, you always have time for a kiss an cuddle - anything else is entirely optional , and keep in touch with friends and family so that you always have a babysitter on hand when you fancy some alone time

You'll soon slip into what works for you as a family and when you figure out what does, do your best to keep on top of it

[Iklboo]

You're the same age as DH and I. I'd agree with SWBL - make sure you try and still have 'you' time. Once Dc is in a good, solid bedtime/sleeping through routine use that time to talk about your day, chat about stuff, do things you want to do.
Try and get out at least once a month if you've got willing babysitters, even if it's just for Sunday lunch or a Starbucks coffee.
Buy a nintendo wii! Great for a laugh when junior is in bed
Try and laugh as much as possible
(Jeez, I sound like that 'sun cream' song! )
I'd say DH and I were as happy as we were before we had DS. Just poorer!

[SheWillBeLoved]

Ikl - @ the sunscreen song, I know have a keyboard full of soggy chewed Pringles

[SheWillBeLoved]

now

[MrsTittleMouse]

We suffered a lot at first, mostly because I had an unusually difficult delivery and didn't heal well. So we were dealing with all the stress of having to deal with doctors and push for referrals, and also we me panicking that we would never have sex again.
The chances are very good that you won't have those problems, in which case the biggest problem will be that you're both so tired, and it's really easy to get a bit snippy with each other. We actually have a very good relationship now, partly because we talk a lot (although we tend to have to have a minor melt-down as our cue to know that we need to talk!), and also because we make sure that we get couple time. It's also easy to do "tandem parenting" where one of us looks after DD and the other rests and then we swap. It's OK for a while when you're tired, but we end up spending no time with each other and that isn't good.

[Iklboo]

P'raps we should record a mumsnet version of sunscreen

"always wipe from front to back
Do not be worried if LO vomits down your best dress, it will come out with a wet-wipe
Yes, you are being unreasonable
Always wear tena-ladies on school sports day"

[Celery]

In my experience, having the first baby was wonderful for the relationship, brought us closer together. It was when no's 2 and especially 3 came along that things got a bit fraught.

[tinierclanger]

Thank you. We are prepared for it to be hard, and have already talked about trying to plan in a regular night out after the first few months. In-laws are fairly near and will happily babysit I am sure. We already have a Wii so well set up there!

I think I need to be positive - looking forward to baby so much but have the odd wobbly day when I think 'why did we choose to mess up our lovely life?!'.

[cory]

I remember the wobbly days. In the event, the things I worried about didn't happen- e.g. I thought I would resent dd's physical presence (needing a room of her own, that sort of thing).

Other things did change- less time and energy for sex, certainly, less romantic all around. But also a much stronger reliance on each other, a growing feeling that we really are together as a unit, for life, that we rely on each other in a way we could never rely on anyone else.

If I've learnt anything at all I would say it is this:

make sure you are both involved in caring for lo, and both taking decisions- so he doesn't get to regard himself as an unqualified assistant

don't panic if your sex life disappears intermittently- it doesn't mean love is dead, no really it doesn't

couple time is good

it is normal to be stumbling around in a daze for the first few months, that doesn't mean this is your lives from now on. Children grow incredibly quickly and the needs of a 6-month old are totally different from those of a new baby. By the time they are 7, you can pack them off on sleepovers and have the house to yourselves.