When you are a single person and friends with a married couple, do you worry that you are perceived as a threat?

[FloraPosteschild]

Putting this in Relationships rather than Lone parents, as I would appreciate both sides and feel it is more than just a Lone parents issue, perhaps - don't know.

Anyway. I have become close to a couple who also have a small child. We have had various playdates, outings etc. They are lovely - I am very fond of them both, respect them both a lot, they are a bit older than me.

They have usually been the ones suggesting we meet etc, quite often more than I can manage - I've said no quite a few times due to children being asleep, ill, etc or just feeling too done in. So they are very keen for us all to meet.

The thing that worries me is that although I sometimes see the woman and child on their own, I also sometimes meet with the man when she is somewhere else - he might call and arrange to meet us when she is out at an appointment for example, once he arranged a special day for her birthday, at a health farm, and then we went to the beach with the children.

Perhaps this is fine - I don't know. Nothing untoward has ever happened between us, and I do not fancy him. But I am beginning to feel very close to him and it makes me slightly uncomfortable - there are times when I wonder if it appears like flirting, and I don't know whether it crosses a line at all as I have always got on better with men than women - rather, felt more at ease with men.

We were there at their house yesterday, and I just felt odd as though she might be watching me laughing or talking with him, when she was briefly in the kitchen etc, and thinking 'stop it' or similar.

It's really hard to explain but it is just such an easy relationship with him, and I am unsure if it is Ok to be so close to a man without it appearing like 'stealing' or overstepping the mark.

I don't worry that he thinks I am too close to her, but I do have another female friend whose husband I fear thinks I am 'stealing' her, when we are close! The difference being that we are not a threat by being close, in the same way a man and a woman might be seen as one. (I don't fancy her either btw!)

Does this make any sense?

How do married people feel about being friends with a single mother?

[branflake81]

I think it very much depends on their relationship and how much she trusts him. Personally, if it was clear you didn't fancy him and had no hidden agenda, I wouldn't mind at all.

[potoroo]

I'm married, but I have a number of single male friends - because I studied and work in a male dominated environment. I used to see them separate from my husband and it was never a problem.

TBH I wouldn't have an issue with DH being friends with a single mother as you describe - I would probably only be upset if DH compared our parenting techniques .

[FloraPosteschild]

Thanks, that's reassuring...I think I get a bit too paranoid. Which makes me nervous, which probably makes me seem slightly dodgy!!!

Will try to relax about it.

I am quite isolated so not used to having close friends and actually spending time with them. It is so nice.

[FloraPosteschild]

Do any other single parents feel the same?

[OverMyDeadBody]

Well I'm a single parent and have various couple friends who we see with the children, but I do make sure I'd never act in a way that could be misinterpretted as flirtatious, just in case, but at the same time I don't worry about it too much.

My best friend is a man, we are really really close, and I don't worry about his girlfriend seeing me as a threat as I know she has no reason to, as neither of us fancies each other and he loves his girlfriend to bits. When I see them together I make sure I don't behave in a way that she may feel is in any way threatening, I relly like her too and would hate for her to start being worried or anything.

I do think that people can be very close ot other people without it threatening their relationships if that makes sense.

[VictorianSqualor]

If I were you and really valued both their friendships I'd probably bring it up with the woman, she may be feeling slightly jealous and knowing she needs not to, or she may be feeling totally fine, but if it was spoken about it could ease the situation in your mind.

FWIW, I doubt if she was at all bothered her husband would be meeting with you, I know if I felt threatened by someone DP would not be going to meet them by himself because I'd have said something to him and he'd not want to make problems.

[FloraPosteschild]

Thanks, VS I see what you mean and I went home last night imagining them arguing about it, which was weird. I actually think they have a very strong relationship, and she would have made it clear of it upset her that we meet up etc. They have been together 18 years so I doubt it is the first time they've faced this situation.
Another element is that she has cancer, currently in remission but it may return.
This perhaps means he feels the need to offload without burdening her, as it must make them both very worried.

I don't think I could speak to her about it - not sure - I am just concerned about knowing what behaviour might be interpreted as 'flirting' and what is just being close and friendly. Honestly I have no idea.

[LittleBella]

Hi Flora I'm a LP and I find that I only have a couple of couples who are friends. Basically, those who are friendly with you are secure and confident enough in their own relationship to be able to cope with having a friendship with you, and those who aren't keep you at arm's length anyway, so the question never arises. IMO.

[FloraPosteschild]

Yes that makes sense.

Mostly I am just friends with the woman and rarely speak to the man, so it is unusual to me.
Hopefully that's the answer - they are secure enough for it not to pose a threat.

[FloraPosteschild]

I mean with other couples - I just hang out with the wife.

[SheWillBeLoved]

I'd talk to her for now. Tell her you value both of their friendships, and ask her if she feels like you have ever crossed any lines, and then reassure her that you never will.

It all seems very platonic, the only thing that caught my eye though was the mention of him packing his wife off for the day and then going to the beach with you and the kids.

I wouldn't suggest talking to him about it unless he has made any advances towards you. Keep your distance - you know how 'close' is acceptable - no closer than you would want your DP to be to a single female friend. But don't let it affect your friendship or create an atmosphere, if it really is just a harmless friendship then it'd be a shame to lose that due to undiscussed boundaries being crossed.

[slowlane]

I don't normally think that a lp being friends with a couple is a problem but this bit worries me

'I am beginning to feel very close to him and it makes me slightly uncomfortable - there are times when I wonder if it appears like flirting'.

I think that you know that you are becoming more emotionally close than you should and that is why you are posting on here. I think you should reduce the amount of time you spend with them and never put yourself in a situation where you are alone with this man. It might also be worth expanding your group of friends.

[FloraPosteschild]

I know, the beach thing was a bit - probably he just wants his child to have someone to muck about with, ie my two. I don't know...
anyway she has just rung and asked me to have her LO tomorrow when she goes for an appointment, we will be driving them there which is nice as I like being with her.
It might counterbalance the time with him a bit.
I might mention it in passing at some point, and see what she says - but I guess they have a dynamic sussed out already and I must fit in with it or they wouldn't be so keen to meet up etc.

[FloraPosteschild]

Sorry X posted, hold on..

[FloraPosteschild]

Slow - I know what you mean, I think the problem is that I am unsure where that line is. If it puts it into context, I feel worried that I am too close to my female friends and that their husbands will be jealous, too.
I just am a bit thick about the rules. Obviously there's nothing sexual whatsoever, in any of these friendships - just a meeting of minds. But I have that with her, too.

I guess what it comes down to is the age old 'can you be friends with a man' thing.

[FloraPosteschild]

If I had a DP I would not want him to meet other single women for walks by the beach/ in the playground at all!!!!

But maybe that's why I don't have a DP...

[lou33]

i am equally good friends with the married couples i know, and could go for a drink with either half without the other one getting jealous or insecure

because there is no need to feel like that

[skidoodle]

I agree with SheWillBeLoved and slowlane: the way you describe this friendship does sound a little worrying

first of all there's the packing his wife off for a "treat" of a spa day and then going to the beach with you and the kids. that's pretty weird (not your fault obviously, but I can see why it gave you pause). I mean surely if they were both off for the day the normal birthday treat would have involved them doing something together with their kids?

secondly there's the fact that you seem to feel awkward around her and like she might/should feel threatened by you and your relationship to her husband, despite the fact you have no intentions in that regard

lastly there's what you say about him needing to "offload" about her cancer to you. I may be taking you up wrong, but it strikes me as pretty inappropriate for him to be unburdening himself to a recent and mutual friend about such issues

It sounds like you're very sensitive to other people and how you might be impacting on situations, which is a nice way to be and should mean you avoid causing any problems where you don't mean to.

I don't think you should ignore your gut on this though. It sounds to me as though you feel things with this man may be heading towards a line that shouldn't be crossed (on his part, not on yours) and taking steps to redress that is smart.

Getting closer to the wife, especially as you seem to like her, sounds a good way to go. I might also consider avoiding being alone with the husband for a bit. He may be leaning more heavily on you than he realises if he's having a tough emotionally and best not to encourage it.

[warthog]

i'm with skidoodle on this. if your gut instinct is telling something may be up, go with it. get closer to her, spend a little less time with him.

[FloraPosteschild]

Thanks. I will lean toward spending more time with her I think, if possible. He doesn't go into massive detail or anything, just someone said maybe he needs (and she I presume) someone outside of the intensity, to chill out with a bit - nothing sinister about that really.
They also have another single friend they have mentioned, and have done similar stuff with her - together, at least - maybe they are entrapping people for scientology

I will try and keep a distance. It is very hard to know ones own intentions at times, ones appropriateness should I say - having been single for so long, any relationship with a man can feel quite exciting, despite not wanting it to progress.

Thanks for all your input - I will be really careful and step back a little. They make contact every week and have invited us to a festival in the summer, as well.
I feel slightly out of my depth.