Marriage probs as well - this is my first post too, pls go easy..!

[D74]

Hi everyone

I have a 3 year old and twins who are 2. Suffice to say life isn't always a smooth ride - most of the time I'm shattered and I don't always fancy sex but I consider that we're luckier than many and actually have quite a nice life.

I found having the twins v hard in the early stage, on the whole because I have no family close by to help out now and again (ditto husband) and our friends with kids have their own families to look after and our single friends are...well, busy being single (and I don't really blame them!) - may I say in the nicest possible way that if you're one of those mums with good 'grandparent' support, you are a lucky lucky lady - but I'm guessing you already know that!

My husband is not a typical male b*stard, is helpful around the house and ordinarily one of life's 'good guys'.

Last year however, he developed an "infatuation" with a young blonde at the office (the cliche!)... nothing happened physically (call me naive but I know him and believe him) but there were huge amounts of emails and texts (both flirty and simply chatty) and at a few points in the summer he said he didn't think he loved me anymore and had feelings for this girl he couldn't hide.
Things came to a head in the Autumn when I found yet more text messages (v flirty), confronted him and his first response was "I can't help it - I have feelings for her"

This was almost the end of our marriage. Since then we've been going to Relate (helpful) and he now feels like an idiot for it all, is very sorry and no longer speaks to her. He claims his behaviour was based on the fact that he "didn't feel very loved" by me last year and admittedly he probably didn't. That said, looking after a home, 3 such young kids, working part-time - etc etc - I think you all know the story...

He also now claims the "feelings" were nothing more than friendship-based, albeit it an "obsessive friendship".... this woman is single and has a history of targetting attached men (again, the cliche....it's like my life is reading from a Dear Deirdre column...)

In saying that, I've always tried to avoid the cliched 'hard-done-by wife' role: I am slim, considered to be attractive and still take v good care of myself. I enjoy sex and though am not very up for it post-natally, I've always got back in the saddle after a few months. I have my own friends, enjoy a good laugh and have a good part-time 'child-friendly' job that many of my friends would give their right arm to do.

That said, I am as unhappy as I can be at the moment, am unable to get past my husband's betrayal and we argue and bicker on a regular basis. I feel as though I can no longer trust him. A couple of close friends know and were shocked by his behaviour. My husband is the kind of guy you see at the school gates and wish was your's - good looking, great fun with the kids, helpful around the house...... the truth is I'd swap all that if I just didn't have this cloud hanging over us.

I write this now because my Relate counsellor feels I should be "getting over it" by now and dredging up the past isn't "helpful". I know this but I can't help myself. I'm finding it so hard to forgive - and yet he wasn't even physically unfaithful. Am now questioning my sanity. For the record, we don't row in front of the kids.

Has anybody else gone through something similar?

Feel like a bit of an idiot posting this online, but my friends all think we're over it now, and I'm too proud to correct them.

Thanks for reading, whoever you are.

[D74]

PS. Dalek - I'm about to read the responses to your post.

[juliepooley]

Can totally understand your feelings. You must have felt devastated to find your dh and this ow communicating secretly. I have been through something similar but I am afraid my dh went further. Your dh was having an emotional affair which can be just as bad. You always want to know what was said (I dont know how much good it does) and how intimate they were. Is this ow still on the scene, because it is very difficult to heal whilst there is still danger that it could spark up again? I have done lots of reading about these types of affairs and the ow must be totally out of the picture to allow you to move forward.

[NotQuiteCockney]

I'd guess that maybe his behaviour reminded you of something from your past, maybe your childhood? It sounds like he behaved fairly well, given the circumstances (he wasn't actually unfaithful, he accepts his behaviour was wrong, he spoke to you about his feelings rather than hiding the whole thing from you).

Did you grow up feeling your parents favoured another sibling over you? Or was your father absent or otherwise unavailable?

I suspect your continued anger over this is probably more to do with something else, than to do with what he did ...

[NKF]

Maybe you're not over it. Maybe you don't love him as much as you did. Maybe you like the moral high ground and if you forgave him, you couldn't mention it again. It's undestandable that you don't trust him. Relate counsellor doesn't sound much cop to be honest. It happened fairly recently so it's worth bearing that in mind.

[juliepooley]

D74, we are seeing a private relationship councillor and she has been fantastic, really making dh face up to what he did and how much he has hurt me. From what I read on this site I am glad that we didn't do Relate. She has also seen us separately which has helped. Maybe that could be an option as you obviously still need to talk this through.

[littlewoman]

I think it is horribly unhelpful of the counsellor to tell you that you should be over it. It makes it sound like the problem is with you. She has negated your right to feel emotional pain, distrust, etc. as a result of your husband's infidelity (albeit emotional infidelity. It all hurts, whatever type it was). One year is no time at all to get over such a trauma. Swap counsellors, seriously.

[D74]

Thanks so much for these responses - all really helpful - and I'm watching Dalek's post with interest.

It would be unfair of me at this stage not to mention the fact that in response (and purely in response) to his emotional affair, I went completely off the rails and had a full-blown physical affair (well, no sex but it was certainly intimate, physically). He knows about it and knows exactly why. My self-esteem was at rock-bottom, in shock and an old friend took me out for a drink and basically boosted my confidence. I'm not saying that makes it right, but I really was in shock and in a very messed up place (drinking a lot / not eating etc). I've never before or since had an affair and ironically I think they're a dreadful thing to do. What can I say? I felt post-natal, hormonal, unloved and The Husband was all about the 'office blonde' (no offence to other blondes out there!)

what a mess, I know - and I'm prepared for a bit of a backlash on here.

I will be changing counsellors though.

[D74]

PS. JuliePooley, how did you find your therapist?

[MissyTheFlouncer]

oh dear what a mess.
do you feel like you do because you are angry at yourself also?
sorry not much help

[Wisteria]

my Relate counsellor feels I should be "getting over it" by now

This is a very unhelpful, not to mention unethical thing to say and certainly goes against anything I would say to a client even in trainee stage. The counsellor is there to provide a space for you to explore your own feelings and come to your own conclusions - bugger all about what she thinks.

I haven't been through anything similar and completely understand why you can't move on - it must be very difficult. I would say that you need to talk freely and openly about whatever you need to, for as long as you need to - whether on your own or with your dh.

What about getting some personal counselling (not with relate) if you can afford it - sometimes it just helps to be able to offload - or just do it here

[juliepooley]

D74 - I looked in Thomson Local (or yellow pages) under Counselling Services and found people that do Couple or Relationship Counselling. I think we were really lucky to have someone quite close that is really good. We are going to another joint session with her tomorrow morning so I hope that goes well. I dont think that it is any more expensive than Relate as they wanted £50 a session because of dh's salary.

[juliepooley]

Also, from what I have read, revenge affairs are very common. I must admit I haven't had the chance but would probably be incredibly flattered if someone came on to me purely because of the self confidence issue.

[Wisteria]

If you want to ensure you get someone who is properly qualified and works ethically and safely then use this website

Unfortunately there are no guarantees that someone who advertises on yellow pages/ thomson has undergone any training (which is thorough and intensive) at all.

[bigboydiditandranaway]

could you try getting away on a little family holiday, maybe things could be easier away from home

[BritTex]

D74, I am going through a similar experince, (found out 6 months ago DH nearly had sex with someone else 2 years ago). He told me himself what had happened. he gave me all the details (that I asked for) so I am not still quizing what exactly happened etc and I think you have also experienced that, once all the questions have been answered I think it is important to reolise that your relationship will not be the 'same' as it was before. It has suffered a terrible trauma and has left scars for both of you. so maybe you are looking for your relationship to be the same and that is why you feel that you are not getting over it?

[Wisteria]

Britex - that was a wise and insightful post