Unhappy marriage - what should I do?

[ajaks99]

Hi, I am new here and hope that this is a good place to pour out my heart. I have been married for 13 years and together with DH for 4 years before that - 17 years total. We have 2 boys 9 and 11. Approx 16 months ago i discovered my DH was seeking women on the internet - he said it was done by friends as a joke, I accepted this, then went on to discover more of the same 5 months later - this time I knew it was him. I asked him to leave, he did, for 4 weeks, then I broke down and asked him to come back - he did. I should explain that I am a mature full time student, studying to obtain a professional qualification which will mean a decent job, I am currently in my final year. Since my original discovery, I have not been able to entertain the idea of intimate relations with my DH. The thought of it repulses me. Prior to this we had what I considered was a good relationship. I am now in a situation where I feel I am only staying with him so that I can finish my degree (June '08), I know that this is wrong but if we were to split now I wouldnt be able to continue my studies due to the emotioal trauma of a break up, thats what happened last year and what led me to ask him to come back. He works in a bar 5/6 nights a week, I know he chats up girls there, he gets home at 4am. I dont know what else he's getting up to. He has a violent temper, which scares me, he has never hurt me physically but I am scared of what he might do if I push him too far. I know that he wants things to carry on as they are but i am so unhappy that I often sit and cry at night on my own, I just think - is this it? Is this my life? I know its best to try and work things out for my kids sakes. My course is keeping me going, the end is now in sight. On one side, the thought of what being married to him has done to me makes me mad, why should I always be sitting at home alone? On the other hand, the thought of leaving him is terrifying, its like I cant remember being a person before him, we have been together so long. I am looking for some advice on what I should do - I'm sorry this is so long and thanks for taking the time to read it, I have never been unfaithful or even come close, although I have begun to find other men attractive recently, and i fantasise about being with someone else.

[colditz]

Realistically, you have put up with this for 17 years, could you possibly hang on until June, and you will have finished your degree ... perhaps go to Relate?

[Shitemum]

IME putting this sort of emotional turmoil on hold is very difficult. Can you start some sort of counselling sooner rather than later?

[Wisteria]

Personally, I'd put up with it until June and then get a job and see where that takes you.

If things are still bad and you can't see any way forward (not worth trying some couples' counselling?)then finish it and move on - life is too short to spend it unhappy.

[shabster]

I have been married for nearly 30 yrs and your story made me so mad. My husband, to my knowledge, has never seen other women. Our family life has been difficult as we have suffered a lot of bereavement.

I too, at the age of 51, am sat here tonight and very lonely. My DS is fast asleep and my eldest DS is in his own home with his lovely pregnant fiance - thank god he turned out to be a lovely man despite the difficult time we had.

My DH has, what I can only describe as strange, theories about all 'the men I am seeing' and 'how he is not the father to our four sons' - after a while you believe it.

I agree use the situation until your studies are over and then the only advice I can give is 'RUN LIKE THE BLOODY WIND - take your children and make a new life for yourself. I know it will be difficult at first but think of the new life you will have.

I used to think 'we should stay together for the children' but here I sit all these years on, unhappy with a pretend smile on my face.

Sorry to go on and on but I really feel for you. Good luck sweetheart x

[Shitemum]

shabster

[cosima]

relationships are important practically aswell as emotionally. It would not be wrong of you to keep this relationship going whilst you finish your course and get yourself into a better position for dealing with it. You have to build up your own emotional strength first. After all you have got two dcs to consider so you will need plenty of personal resources to deal with the situation. What a sad bastard, by the way looking for girls on the internet, whilst you are getting a qualification.

[shabster]

My friend says I am like the woman in the song Elanor Rigby by the Beatles.

'Elanor Rigby picks up the face that she keeps in a jar by the door'

Everybody thinks we have the perfect marriage - ajaks99 have a nosey at my profile to check out bereavement.

I had my 4th DS when I was almost 41 and have never felt so trapped in a situation - I was going to do a Shirley Valentine and along came Tom!!

[ajaks99]

Thank you all for your advice, I am sitting here crying (again!), Shabster, your message really touched me. In truth, I realise that when I embarked on this road to my qualification, deep down it was so that I would be able to support myself and my kids in any eventuality. I can put up with this until June. This is the first time I have opened up about my unhappy situation to anyone - so all of your kind words are an inspiration to me.

[shabster]

Go for it ajaks99 - no matter how hard - keep your chin up and keep smiling. Anytime you need encouragement just shout up!! xx

[mumof2fabkids]

I agree with all the posts, so much good advice here, 6 months will fly by, it will be stressful, but you sound like you are just the woman to do it! Good luck, keep posting if you need to vent, you too Shabster, got a lump in my throat just reading this, god, some men have a lot to answer for! Take care xx

[ajaks99]

Thank you, thank you, all these messages of support are just amazing, I so agree with the sad bastard one! Shabster, my heart goes out to you.

[Shaniece]

Just hang on til June then sod off as quickly as possible.