AIBU to be mad at mil for being sooo interfering??

[holidayneeded]

Since i had ds, it is worse and worse...not good enough according to her...the guy(ds) is soo skinny(not according to health visitor, although on the 9th centile) and everytime she needs to tell me about how i should feed him, dress him up,etc, etc...
She is mad at me for taking my son travelling so often(everyother month to paris as that is where my parents live, or 3 monthly). Now, dh just said that we will be going on holiday (to a very child friendly place, where i will be cooking fo ds) and she had a real go at us(although i was not there but bet u she will mention that next time i see her), saying he should not travel so much(ds is 20 mths) as he routine will be completely disturbed....
What do u think?
Should i stand up to her again as i have done so once which ended up in a massive fight on phone? is it worth it? how should i react when she criticises my mother skills again???
help!!!she is really getting on my nerves!

[cornsilk]

Can you avoid her?

[holidayneeded]

no
she looks after ds 3 days a week, which is something i am working on(want to send him to nursery....) as it drives me mad!

[holidayneeded]

or she will phone me otherwise!

[Carmenere]

Smile, nod, ignore.

[cornsilk]

Hmm - difficult one. Bite your tongue and nod sweetly and let it go over your head.

[TeaDr1nker]

Does your other half know how interferring she is and how she makes you feel? Can he have a word and tell her to back off and that you do a great job as a mum, it may not be her way - it's your way?

[holidayneeded]

dh knows about it...the prob is that i have to try avoiding this subject as it stresses us out and end up arguing...dh sometimes answers but realised she will never lose or understand that people have different attitudes or ways of doing...she is a very difficult person to deal with and i do get on with her(try), she even sometimes phoes me up for a normal chat rather than talk to dh ...dh soes not talk much for a start and to keep peace, he tries not to make things bigger, which sometimes frustrate me but i guess he is an an awkward position...recently agreed with dh that he will drop ds and pick him up for me to avoid being too much in contact with her...but even on the phone she can drive me mad!!!! do feel sory for dh, but feel that it is the ebtter solution...(i will have time to cook, go to the gym etc,...)

[warthog]

i would definitely try to make other childcare arrangements. while you're indebted to her it's very hard to tell her to back off. when she's not so involved, it'll be easier.

[moondog]

Do ypu pay her?
Is she childminding while you work or while you have a rest?

[holidayneeded]

yeah...we pay her even more that a childminder!

[holidayneeded]

the prob is that ds is very used to his own environment and cannot even stand being left with strangers for even an hour!!
Have tried many times...
find it so hard to owe her that but decided to close my eyes/ears for my child's sake...so hard though!!!

[holidayneeded]

sorry, i do work 3days/week

[moondog]

Ah well, no problems there then.When people do it for nothing I feel the parents are beholden in some way.
If he likes being there grin and bear it and do what you want.She can't force yuo to do anything against your will.

[HonoriaGlossop]

I think it muddies the waters though when grandparents are doing the caring rather than just the traditional GP role....for a good chunk of the week she is 'in charge' of him and that must be very hard to switch on and off. I try to imagine how hard I would find it in that position; but obviously I hope I would do better than your MIL is doing and I do understand how annoying you find it.

But she is entitled to her opinions and you are entitled to completely ignore them.

But I do think you need to show extra understanding that she may be MORE opinionated about him because she has sole charge of him for much of the week...it's got to be different than if it was just a family visit once a week or something!

If your ds is loving being with her though it seems a shame to think of nursery just yet....maybe you could ride out the adult issues a bit longer if he's content and thriving with her. Not saying it will be easy though!

[holidayneeded]

thats what i thought...but believe me she had strong opinions on ds and my mothering skills before she even started looking after him!! came to visit me evry day for 2 months after his birth and even attended his birth!!!

[moondog]

Oh you're joking re birth surely?
Why did yuo put up with that??
Is she foreign??

[discoverlife]

Is she dependant on the chilminding money in any way? Could she be bitching about the holidays because of that? BTW you should point out that Ds relatives on your side need to see him as well. Could she be jealous of the time he spends with his other GP's?

[holidayneeded]

i think there is some jealousy...she thinks that my parents do not need to see him that often, especially as msn is now available hey!!??
she is foreign (of vietnamese origin), which is very different from the french one!!!
so you all realise how understanding i was for her to be there during the birth!
She is probably quite upset as normally everytime we go away, we ask her if she wants to join us(she is a widow and dh is the only son) so i do feel sorry for her....etc...but i think she realised that she is no longer welcome as i haven't even proposed to her this time!!!