Can I complain?

[havalina]

I'm really confused about my relationship, but I'm just not happy. Dp is the one who goes out to work, this is a recent thing since Ds was born. The thing is that we never talk, we don't really have any intimacy, all he does when he is with me is stare at the TV/computer/game.

I also go on the computer/watch TV etc I try to talk to him and he does respond, but if I try to talk about anything deeper than a puddle it's one word replies. His whole answer if I'm feeling down is a cuddle or a cup of tea. Thats where the confusion lies, he does care but I just can't talk to him, I told him in the midst of PND that I was going to kill myself and he got up and went to bed.

He gets up with the kids and cooks the meals, not so good on the tidying up but neither am I. He doesn't take any responsibilty in the relationship, it's up to me to sort out money/bills suggest things. I seem to go between thinking that he doesn't give a shit to he's lazy etc.

I would feel awful leaving him for the fact that I'm not happy, it would be bad for the kids and I'm not sure I could cope.

Is a shell of a relationship where there is no real closeness better than none at all, we have been together 6 years and I still don't feel like I know him.

Or am I just a whinging bint who should shut up?

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

No you aren't a whinging bint who should shut up, we all want to feel understood and verified. It's not asking too much to have a proper deep and meaningful now and thenw ith our other half. I'm not sure where he;s coming from but it sounds like he might be having a mini crisis of his own. Has he always been this way or is it a recent development since you've been at home all the time or since your kids were born?

Your best bet would be to get someone to mind your kids and go for a long walk somewhere where you can talk. Ask him if he's happy with things as they are and how he feels about your relationship and your life. Tell him you feel as though he's shutting you out.

Dp does this when I want to talk about the deep stuff, such as his feelings for our baby (I know he loves him but I want him to say the words) he just kinda closes down and puts this face on like he's being pestered. On that level I think it's a bit of a man thing.

You sound really down about it. I'm going to bed now but I hope you're ok and you get some support off MN. x

[pukkapatch]

complain certainly.
but leave him over this? no. you have to much of a family together to break over this.
take action certainly. but not leaving.

you are not a whinging bint. NOT

[genlay]

Hi havalina, feeling very for you. You are NOT a whinger, this kid business is hard work!
Have you tried counseling? From what you write it does seem as though your dp cares for you but is very insensitive to your needs. The PND situation is just unacceptable! Unfortunately there is still a feeling in the community that you should just get over PND.
Perhaps if you could try to be extremely sensitive to his needs for a while whilst communicating very clearly the things that you need from him it might open the relationship up a bit.
Dh and i went through a rough phase (as most people do) when DS was young. I found that lack of sleep was the main factor. It made me so irratable, so once we got that sorted out we both said we would try really hard this week to put the other one first and once you see your partner making the effort you feel even more motivated.
I would really consider some outside help also if i was you. PND is not to be taken lightly and your partner needs to know this (((((hugs))))) and good luck

[genlay]

sorry shocking spelling

[havalina]

I know pukka I'm not really gonna leave him, he just pisses me off so much! Will try to have a talk, not holding out much hope as the only time this has ever happened is when I have had a few, which he then dissmisses (unfairly) as me being drunk and over emotional.