HELP am I being ultra nervous/sensitive or expecting too much!!

[Riss70]

H had a one night stand about 3 months ago now and he has just called to say he is staying after work for a couple of drinks....

I get tied in knots when he doesn't get home shortly after work and now I will be on edge until he gets home....whcih god help me if it isn't within the hour I'm bound to have a go at him even if I try not too cause he actually rang this time...last time he didn't call and got home an hour after work (we live 15 minutes from his work) and I told him that he should ahve at least rang and that because of teh situation he ahs created that I was very tense about his abscence......needless to say we had a fight and didn't talk all weekend


Am I being overly sensitive here or am I justified in my concerns (he works at a club by the way and when he ahd the one night stand he was working at a pub and staying for drinks after work into the wee hours - oike 4-5am though and it is only 10:30pm right now)

[wildwoman]

I think you have every right to feel worried and he should try and be a bit more understanding, having said that if you have decided to try and rebuild the trust between you, you may have to learnto relax a bit when he stays out.(easier said than done I know)

[Riss70]

I am trying (having a nice red wine now to try and help the matter) and as for trying to rebuild the trust I want too I think (we are seeing a counsellor but it has been a LONG time between visits as the cousnellor is soo busy) it is just hard as he has only just started to stay back after work again BUT this time it has only been for 1 hour tops not 4-5 hours like previously......I guess it is just sooo hard and I said to him that had he have dealth with the situaion last time with a little more empathy (reassuring me etc and calling in the first place) then I would have probably not been as pis*ed off

[NotQuiteCockney]

Was he/is he genuinely sorry for what he did? Did you have couples counselling or anything of the sort?

This is going to keep causing problems, unless you get some sort of agreement about all this. Do you ever get to go out?

[Riss70]

NO I NEVER get to go out NEVER.....he works nights (I am in Australia) and I work days so I don't get the chance and he has historically just stayed out after work

and yes we are trying counselling but it has been a long time since we last went

[Riss70]

Oh yeah and as for genuinely sorry - I am not sure he is one of those silent types who does not show a lot of emotion.....he says he was and quit working at the pub on the Tuesday when the one night stand happened on the Saturday. He has made a lot of changes lately and he says that this is his way of showing me that he regrets it even if he can't verbalise it regulalry...he is attending the cousnelling without complaint and has adjusted his focus to family....before it happened he was a realt Lad always more interested in doing things with the boys than his family which always caused problems seeing as though it meant any time he had off was HIS to sepnd with the Lads drinkgin or fishing etc

[NotQuiteCockney]

Did he tell you about it? Or did you find out?

It does sound like he's sorry, but maybe not really seeing your point of view.

Do you want to go out? Does he work every night? Can you go out after he gets back?

[Riss70]

I found out and confronted him.... initally he did not admit it but before aout mid way through the conversation (which was relatively calm)he had. I asked him to leave and he refused. And no I don't beleive he is seeing my point of veiw very well at all but sometimes I think he is trying.

Both his parents are very 'head in the sand' people you know ignore it and it will disappear or did not even happen types....both very much so that at times it absolutley stuns me that they can pretend they have not done certain things or had them happen to them.

By the way last night he was home within 40mins after he called so that was a nice surprise!

And as for work he works every Friday, Saturday and most Sundays making it difficult if I were to want to go out for a night on the town with some girlfriends and get drunk and dance etc etc . I am thinking about trying to find a babysitter next weekend as there will be some people I studied with in the area and we were talking about catching up and going out ont he town. Weeknights are hard as I start work very early (7am) to enable him to be start at 3:30pm some weeknights.

Anyhow here we go again cause he started work 1 hour earlier than he was roster today and I think he will proably stay back again after work tonight. You know he does things now that I have always wished he would but then when he has outdone himself he always does something to make me beleive he did so with an alterior motive (ie he did all the washing for me today there fore I beleive he is likely to stay out late tonight and not call OR call and stay out really late anyway)

Of well lets wait an see maybe it's a pleasant surprise coming who knows

[Riss70]

.

[NotQuiteCockney]

It sounds like his actions are, for the moment, fine. Three months ago is not very long ago - you are still really upset and pissed off. Understandably.

[Riss70]

I am still fairly raw and have not told any of our 3d land family and friends - I feel ashamed about it for some reason and I know that some of my friends would never understand me trying to work through it nor would they ever be the same towards him again...they would not be horrid or rude but certainly not as friendly as they have until now. As for family I can not ring myself to tell them and have told him that if he wants to work on it then he must not tell any of our family or friends eitherI guess that every niow and again the evil insecurities come out and won't go away until he gets back to our home. I think at the moment things are a little rough as his focus has been on family which is great but he has lost a little of the focus on US as a couple