I've been stupid and partner has found out

[fakediet]

I have been living with my partner for around a year but we have known each other for years and have been together for about 3 years.

He's a lovely man, kind hearted, funny, loyal, he has lots of friends, he's a very intelligent man and alot of people respect him but he has a terrible temper which he has trouble controlling, he's violent and he suffers from bad mood swimgs (bi-polar) and he can spend weeks being a complete arsehole and then all of a sudden be the nicest person in the world again.

I have been feeling down lately, he is going through one of his bad patches, he grunts at me, fires dirty looks at me, gets at me for stupid things, spends ages on his own, we don't talk, he refuses to.

Anyway I ended up becomming quite close to a man at work, nothing has happened between us but we have talked, about more than we shouldve done and we have been texting each other, amongst these texts have been messages from him saying that my parner drags me down and I would be happier without him.

Anyway I came into work this morning, my phone is usually in my bag and when I got to work I realised it wasn't which means it must've been taken out. I didn't want to phone it incase it encouraged DP to look at it but I'm pretty sure he's the one that has taken it out meaning he wouldve looked at the messages.

I don't want to phone him or go home, I'm scared of how he will react. I know I'm in the wrong here but at the same time I'm not prepared to put myself in danger or recieve a kicking for it which is likely if he has read them, infact if he doesnt come into my work kicking off by the end of the day I would be suprised.

Any ideas of what I can do or should I just risk it and go home? phone him? stay away? I have so much on my mind right now I feel like just getting on a train and running away from everything

[LittleLupin]

Talking to a friend is not a crime.

I am concerned that you think alerting him to these texts could "put you in danger". Is he violent?

[obimomkanobi]

Shit, what a bad situation.

As far as I know it's not against the law to talk to or text people. And it's not unheard of for people to discuss their relationships...especially if their o/h is difficult to live with.

The messages on your phone, are they just of a friendly nature? Is there any lovey dovey stuff on there?

I'd be tempted to pull a sicky and go home early and get the situation sorted sooner rather than later.

If you think he might be violent is there anyone who can go home with you?

And really I think you need to get out of this relationship. Sitting at work and worrying that you might get a kicking when you go home is no way to live.

[snowleopard]

If he is violent, I think you need to get away from him anyway. Do you have kids and do they live with you too? It's dangerous having him around. Also you haven't really done anything wrong, your texts are your private property and you do not deserve a kicking and nor should you expect one. If he dares do anything of the sort he should be in a police cell.

[mylittlestar]

I bet you can't work with your head spinning like it must be.

Can you just say you're feeling really ill and take the rest of the day off. Go home, see if he has the phone or not, and take it from there...?

Although if there is a danger of him being violent perhaps take someone with you.

If you need to, could you stay with family or friends for a day or two to give him chance to calm down and to find some time to talk about why this has happened? Would he listen if you explained the reasons why you got close to this man and how hard you are finding things?

[TaylorsMummy]

oh god,you poor thing this isn't your fault.you don't deserve any of this.you needed someone to talk to,that's all.

i think i would want to know if he had seen them.i wouldn't phone your own phone.phone him at home or on his phone and see how he is with you.if he is normal,you can make out you are phoning for some normal reason,if he's read them,chances are he won't be able to hide it and you will know the minute you speak to him,cos you will be at work you will be safe and you can think about whether to go home or not (and if not,where you are gonna go)

you never know,the phone may have fallen out on the way to work or something.i hope so anyway.

i hope it all works out ok for you x

[LittleLupin]

Sorry, you actually said "he is violent" in your OP .

Is he violent towards you?

If he is bi-polar, has he sought any professional help?

[MadMumsy]

What a tricky situation but it could also bring things out into the open and help. I had a similar situation (although it was with the internet messaging - my hubby found me chatting to someone). All hell broke out but in the end it has improved our marriage. We actually started to talk to one another again and rekindled our relationship.

Be careful though, is he violent? If you went home now, would he be there, does he work from home?

I would also say that you met the other guy on the bus/train. At least that would keep your partner away from your work and from him bashing in his head!!!

Be thinking of you.

[macdoodle]

why oh why do people leave incriminating messages on their phones ?? How many people have discovered things this way

[snowleopard]

Um, because people need someone to talk to when their partner is difficult? And your phone is your private property.

[macdoodle]

But then delete it once read ??? Since finding horrid stuff on (D)H phone I now delete my messages and call logs regularly (not that I have anyhting to hide )...but I know he checks my phone and it drives him mad that it is always empty small pleasures

[fakediet]

He's never hit me but he's pushed, grabbed and pinned against walls etc and has threatened me.

I couldn't concentrate at work and so phoned home, no answer so phoned his mobile, he answered and was really sharp with me, said he was busy at work and said he would "see me" later.

So I came home to see if I could find my phone and it's not here so he must have it. I don't know whether to phone him again and try and explain or wait until he gets home

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"He's never hit me but he's pushed, grabbed and pinned against walls etc and has threatened me".

fakediet - so he has shown violence towards you previously?. This looks very bad for you on so many levels. Think the phone is the least of your worries to be honest with you. He'll kill you eventually.

Has he ever sought help for his mania?. Is he on medication or has he refused same?.

Why are you with him - you cannot rescue and or save him from his other demons of being controlling and violence. Maybe you think you can. You are wrong on all counts if you think this.

BTW such abusers as well are often perfectly plausible to those in the outside world. They don't see what goes on at home.

I would urge you to call Womens Aid - you need to get away from this man without delay.

[mylittlestar]

I don't think you should be alone at home when he gets in.

I know that you know him best and we know nothing at all, but from the little I've read here I know enough to believe that you could be in danger if he has taken what he has read very badly.

Can you get someone to be there with you when he comes home?

[obimomkanobi]

Oh fakediet, what a shite day for you.

Why don't you go to his place of work and ask him if he has seen your phone?

[obimomkanobi]

Bumping.

Hope all is ok fakediet.

[mylittlefreya]

I hope you are ok too. Having bipolar is horrible - but it's not an excuse for violence. This from someone who lives with it too. Don't let yourself believe it is ok because he has this mental illness. I hope you make the best decision you can, and are ok.

[ohsmellyjelly]

Fakediet are you ok? Really hope it all worked out..

[mylittlestar]

bump

[julezboo]

bump again I hope everything is ok..

[ohsmellyjelly]

bump again...

[NKF]

Push, grabbed, pinned against walls and threatened. I'd call that violence.

[elasticbandstand]

can;t understand people that check each other's phones!

[elasticbandstand]

from him saying that my parner drags me down and I would be happier without him.


can't you say the bloke likes you

[WigWamBam]

Have you posted before under another name? Is this the same violent guy who threw you out the other week because he's bipolar and refuses to be treated for it?

Why are you still there?

[mylittlestar]

.