Bored with each other

[CaitB]

I've been tempted to post this for a while, but keep thinking things will get better but they're not. This as much about trying to express this for my own clarification as to hear your comments.
My partner and I (I'll call him D) have been together for over 7 years and have 2 children, 2 and 4. Since our second child was born, we've been growing further and further apart. We seem to have nothing in common apart from the children and both feel that we wouldn't be together if we didn't have children. We both now wonder how we ever got together in the first place. We have very different personalities (I'm more gregarious than he is, he's more serious) but that was part of the initial attraction and I know isn't on its own a bad thing. We have completely different tastes in music, again, so do many happy couples that I know. We both enjoy books and films and are lucky with babysitters so we're not stuck for opportunities to go out, but when we do we have nothing to say to each other.
D says he feels mentally and emotionally unstimulated by our relationship. I feel the same. I don't work and am happy not doing so, he works at home so we see each other all the time. I have told him to get a life, meaning he needs to get out more and not feel disappointed by relying on me for company. He's enrolled on an evening class which I'm pleased about. He doesn't have many friends in this area and is happy staying at home reading or listening to music while I have a fairly active social life. We have tried doing more together in the evenings but end up running out of conversation. We are both intelligent people who obviously used to have a lot to say to each other and I don't know what's gone wrong. Sex is rarely on the agenda, I feel I don't fancy him any more but that may be part of the general lacklustre state of the relationship.
He is a fantastic father and has a great relationship with the children. I can't imagine separating, for taht raeson, but sometimes can't imagine either of us being happy leading increasingly separate lives over the next 15 years either.
Sometimes I feel it must be salvageable, that it's only been bad for 2 years and must be something to do with having children - it's like the children are enough for me and I don't feel the need to continue a relationship with their father. D was different from my previous boyfriends - he had a sensible well-paid job and I knew he could afford to provide for a family. Now I wonder if this attracted me 7 years ago but I didn't think what the relationship would be like afterwards.
This is rather rambling, just wanted to get something down on "paper". I just don't know why our relationship has suffered through having children rather than being enriched by it.

[Mopsy]

CaitB, you could have been describing my relationship with ex-dp word for word. I ended up feeling exactly as you are, and we continued on that basis for a year before I realised I was enormously attracted to someone I'd met professionally.

Until that happened I always felt we were just having a boring or 'low' blip in our relationship and had no desire to actually end it, but when I rediscovered feelings of intellectual stimulation and physical attraction I realised that I actually wanted out of the relationship and the chance to have others.

I have quite a strong sense of responsibility and conscience and ended things before anything had happened with anyone else, although it quickly did afterwards and I can honestly say that in every way I've not looked back for a moment. Ds and dd have been fine and have a great relationship with dad, while he and I are now really good friends.

That's not to say that your situation has to be like this, it's just that the similarities resonate with me. I think the crucial factor for me in deciding to leave was admitting that I did not want to make an effort to make things better, and that I actively wanted to have other relationships - and that fundamentally I'd rather be alone than be in an unfulfilling and boring one.

Hth, love Mopsy xx

[threeangels]

Hi CaitB, Maybe either you or partner should try to work outside the home. Is it possible that maybe you feel this way because you both are around each other so much. Im not saying all relationships are like this but some dont work well when their is not much space apart. I think when your together all the time you tend to notice and focus on so much of the negative. Like you get on each others nerves too much. My dh and I have many things that are different about us and it sure does drive me crazy but we get along somewhat good. I think him working outside the house helps us in that area. If we are around each other day after day and night too we tend to nit pick at each other. Ive noticed this when hes home on vacation time. Maybe if he went to work outside the home you would feel more excited to see him come home. Im sure many women feel this way. Not all husband/wife relationships do good when your always together. I think some may need time apart to just miss each others company. Try and take a couple days apart and see how you feel away from each other. I hope this helps.

[WideWebWitch]

CaitB, Do you think your basic personalities are so different as to make you completely incompatible? I ask because someone asked me this when I was considering leaving (now ex) DH. Their point being that I couldn't change his personality or who he is but if it was his behaviour then maybe we could do something about it. In my case I came to the conclusion that we were incompatible (intellectually, socially mainly) and that these were differences I couldn't live with.

Also, do you think these problems were there in the 3 years before you had children? Was it good enough then or did you choose him because of the good provider thing IYKWIM? Apart from the children do you have any shared interests? Could the problem be resolved if you both had more going on in your lives and therefore more to talk about or will he never interest you?

Just my thoughts, don't know if they're any help but good luck.

[Tinker]

CaitB - I can only echo Mopsy here, completely. One of my exes sounds just like your partner but it took me 2 years to decide to end it. Like you, I used to think it would get better somehow, all couples have phases where they are bored by each other etc. I used to tell myself that, on paper, he was a good man and we were compatible, but we weren't - we had no conversation. It wasn't until he had the chance to move to London or to my town and I found I wanted him to go to London that I knew it had to end.

This was all without kids so I know it is more difficult in your situation. But I wouldn't ignore the alarm bells.

[Tedium]

I wonder if anyone could advise me please? My husband and I are also going through a rough patch, though he doesn't know about it. We have known each other for a very long time and he was my 1st. We were due to go touring around Australia and Asia but then I fell pregnant and her was over the moon, I didn't want the baby at first, it sounds selfish but I wanted to do everything we had planned, all of a sudden it was mortgages and settling down and I was not ready. But when he came he was gorgeus and I loved him very much. But now we are stuck here, he in a dead end job and me as a full time mother. He is very happy with things the way they are but I am not. Sex was never that good, but now it hardly happens at all. Once a fortnight, usually when he is drunk. Other times he is so tired he is asleep at 10pm. I always have to make the advances and I have done, dressing n sexy underwear, suggesting new things. I have spoken to him about this and things will get better for a week or two and then they will go back to how they were.

I find I am becoming tempted by other men. I yearn to find out what it is like to have sex with someone else, I want to escape from this relationship for jsut a moment. We hardly ever go out together becausee we have no babysitters, so I sometimes go out with friends and i get chatted up quite often, usually by men who are veyr good looking (mine is ok looking but not perfect). I love him and care for him, but i feel so trapped and bored. We were given the opportunity to move not long ago, I was offered a job on a much higher salary than his, but he did not want to look after our son full-time, and though he didn't say no to me, he indicated it and made me feel quilty for even thinking about it.

I just don't know what to do. I find it impossible to talk tohim sometimes. I am very depressed and have turned to drinking a bit as an escape. I am also getting impatient and annoyed with our son. Thing is he wouldn't see any of this unless I told him. This is never the way I thought my life would turn out and I am so unhappy with things the way they are. I know if I do have another relationship then we are finished as he wouldn't put up with it, yet sometimes i want out so much that I am tempted to try it, to shock him into action. Some of you have said that having children has changed your relationships for th worst and that's how I think. I love my son veyr much, but he has trapped me and pinned me down. It needn;t be like this I know, but my husband is so happy the way things are, he is blind to anythig else and doesn't want to hear anything else. what can I do?

[WideWebWitch]

Tedium, an affair doesn't sound like the answer. I know that feeling of wanting to sleep with other men (well, I did in my marriage but not now with dp) but I don't think it'll solve anything, far from it. You don't say how old your child is but if it's under 2 then I'm not suprised you're feeling trapped if your plans were very different before child/ren.

Could you talk to your DH and explain how you feel (maybe leave out the bit about being tempted to stray!)? I know the culture shock of child/loss of job and self/the change to your relationship etc. you describe. But it does get easier the older they get - kids, not DHs!

Re babysitters, could you set up a babysitting circle with other mums near you? I'll try to find you a site about how to do it. If you don't know other mums, could you try meeting some, it makes all the difference to being a SAHM IME. You lose yourself less if you have other SAHMs to talk to I think.

If you and DH went out together and had a few getting to know each other again evenings might the sex and desire bit come back again do you think? It does sound like you make a good effort on this front, but he needs to make one too.

And alcohol is a depressant, so it makes you feel better temporarily but then...maybe if you sort the rest out you won't want to escape in this way? Sorry if I sound like a trite womens mag agony columnist! HTH.

[WideWebWitch]

Tedium, can't find a web guide to setting up a babysitting circle, but here's how we did it:

• Meet some mums, get to know each other (mother and toddler groups?) and each others' children.
  
• Type names and addresses of each member who wants to join the circle. Hand out to each member.
  
• Make tokens for 1 hour and half hours (started off with 5 each as a float)
  
• Hand them out.
  
• Go out! Pay with tokens, earn more tokens by babysitting for other people. We did it that you get 10 minutes grace if you're late back but after that it's a whole half hour token.
  Sorry if I'm stating the obvious!

[Tetley]

WWW / Tedium - Look here for the Babysitting Circle website. We used their rules which are on here - very similar to yours, WWW, to set up our own, without paying to join their system. Otherwise you can join a local circle if you want to through here.
HTH

[aloha]

You sound like you need a job. Not necessarily a full-time one, but some kind of work that takes you out of the home. Your partner doesn't have to look after your son full-time - my dh would hate that too - you can have a nannyshare or a childminder. My ds goes to one while I work 3 days a week and he's a very happy chap. You're obviously in demand for your skills, and I think you should use them. No offence to SAHMS but it doesn't suit everyone and it sounds like it definitely doesn't suit you.

[aloha]

Oh, and find a babysitter. Ask your neighbours who they use, ask your local NCT to put you in touch with other women who might have a babysitter, put an ad in a shop window. There are loads of nice students on holiday right now who would love to earn a few pounds. I think you need to start thinking of solutions, not just looking for more problems (if that doesn't sound too harsh). You seem to be putting all the blame for your situation on your dh and even your ds, whom you obviously love, but they can't be responsible for your happiness. That has to come from you. Don't just have an affair - it's not fair on any of you. You say you love and care for your dh, so I think you need to start talking to him about how you feel and to think of solutions. Good luck.

[Bozza]

Aloha thats exactly what I was thinking. A job even if its evenings or weekends would probably help you CaitB. Who made the decision for you to be a SAHM? If its something you feel strongly about go the evenings/weekends route. Otherwise try part/full time with child care. I work 3 days and DS goes to nursery but DH's job is based from home (like your DH's) which makes him more flexible during childcare emergencies. Maybe this would work for you. And like Threeangels says it would mean you spend time apart.

[Rhubarb]

Sounds like sex is a big issue here. My best friend once told me that if you having problems getting your partner into it, you should wait until your period starts and then wear very tight sexy clothing, flirt with him and generally tease him, but you can't have sex because you're on your period, once you come off your period he'll be so desperate he'll be leaping on you! My dh used to ask me each day, "Are you still on then?" with this attitude that he cared about my wellbeing when all he was thinking about was nighttime!!

Sounds like maybe you and your dh are sexually incompatible, was this a problem before you have kids? I really don't know what other advice I can give, can you go through with any of the other suggestions here?

[Rhubarb]

Sorry, that was for Tedium, I should have said!

[SimonHoward]

Rhubarb

Good advice about the way to tease and flirt with a guy. I think I'll print it out and leave it for DW to read.

[Tortington]

my solution is move.... yes sounds drastic, but works for me.. takes a whole year of your life sorting things out and then they are never really are they!?, tis true though, just move all of you.
if this is totally out of the question the only other statement i can say is over many many many (rolls eyes!) years of marriage i dont go out with my hubby i have learned that all we talk about is work and kids and i need more stimulation than that, so we never ever go out together ( unless wedding or funeral ... one inevitalby leads to the other LOL)
children and enriched in the same sentence too! wow well done you , sorry mine are older now but when they were young things were so hard i dont know how i did it without downing a bottle of asprin, ... yes you might thing this is unhelpful ( and i can see you nodding!) but its just to say been there done that and for me at least , i got an education, got a job, always had other interests and a future to aim for.... good luck..... just think of jennifer anniston and the loreal advert everytime he pisses on the back of the toilet..... "hes worth it!" even if you dont think he is .... it may do a hypnotic thing... you know chanting it over and over again until you actually believe it..... thats wot i do when he buys himself beer from the supermarket and not me the b*stard!!

[CaitB]

Thanks for everyone's comments. Mopsy, WWW and Tinker, I read your references to your exes with sad recognition of my own feelings at the moment. Yes it might go that way, but I do feel I haven't tried hard enough to make it work. But more and more I think I haven't the will to make it work.
Yes it was my decision to be a SAHM and I wouldn't be happy letting anyone else care for my children. A part-time job might help, I have thought about it. It isn't feasible for D to work outside the home - office rents are so high, and we get so much flexibility as a family from him working for himself at home. In the end I don't know if it would really make a difference to my feelings. I think we will just have to carry on until the children are a bit older and at school and see how things are then.
I have had a relationship history of overlapping partners, waiting for someone "better" to come along then leaving existing boyfriend. Sometimes I think because I can't do that now I feel stuck and don't know how to work at the relationship.
Custardo, err...say that again?!

[Mopsy]

Hi CaitB, have you considered going away for say a week (with or without the children)?

I always find that a change of scenery and routine works wonders for enabling me to see things more clearly - it could help you to get more in tune with your own instinct about this situation, and you might well find that you miss your husband and look forward to returning home to be with him. Perhaps you could stay with a friend or family member if you can't afford accommodation.

Good luck and I hope whatever you decide that you find greater happiness. It could well be just a dull patch - happens in every relationship - or you may be beginning to drift apart irreparably.

I admire your willing to stick with things for the time being and not make any hasty decisions - if there was one thing about my experience I could feel OK about however was knowing that I'd tried, tried and tried again. And although life has by no means been a bed of roses since I left ex-dp, I've never regretted it for a moment.

[Tortington]

erm.... better not repeat myself eh! suffice to say hope all works out ok xx

[CaitB]

Just wanted to update my previous posting with some good news. D was due to go on holiday for a week yesterday and I thought I'd better attempt a serious discussion before he went. Things had got so bad that we weren't even communicating enough to argue, just going through the motions. He had got so depressed and withdrawn that it made me even worse - more impatient with him and more convinced that while he was away I had to either make a leap of faith and try and get our relationship back on track or make an appointment with Relate.
So we had a long talk at the weekend and things are much better. We'd got into a vicious circle where I felt constantly irritated or bored by him and so was even less likely to be affectionate/light-hearted/fun-loving (all the things he justifiably complained I was no longer capable of being with him, just with everyone else) and that was making us both miserable. Basically we talked long enough for us to both get very upset and be open and emotional with each other again. He said that the children and me were everything to him and he didn't want to lose me - hearing that made me feel that it really was worth trying again. He asked if I was unhappy about anything else, and I realised that I'm not entirely satisfied being at home with the children all the time. So we're going to talk about him maybe working a day or so less some weeks (luckily he works for himself) and looking after the children while I do something - I want to finish a correspondence course I've been doing for one thing.
So I no longer feel so negative and can now remember what we liked about each other 7 years ago. He's bogged off to the Med for a week in the sun (with my blessing!) and I'm going to book a romantic meal somewhere for when he gets back. In the meantime I can spend loads of time on here (under my other name!) without feeling I should be spending quality time with D!
Just wanted to thank Mopsy, Threeangels, WWW, Custardo, Tinker and Bozza for your comments - it did really help to be able to talk on here. OK, speech over!

[threeangels]

CaitB, I'm glad to be able to help.

[threeangels]

CaitB, It sounds like you guys are on the right path to try and restore everything. Im very happy for you. I really feel no matter how bad a relationship gets or how bad you feel sometimes just trying to talk to each other about how you feel can help so much. Sometimes a good break can help start the process and it sounds like you are trying this. You sound like you really do love each other and are wanting to work everything out. That is wonderful and I wish you the best.

[WideWebWitch]

Oh that is brilliant CaitB, you sound so much lighter in your post! Glad it helped talking to us all