Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

how do i make myself mentally take a step back from my relationship?

16 replies

juicychops · 07/05/2007 15:17

me and dp have been together 16months now. i have a ds 2.4 from previous relationship and he has 3 boys aged between 8 and 13. his boys live with their mum as dp doesn't really live anywhere. He stays with me during the week and at his mum and dads at the weekends with his boys.
ive still not met his boys yet and it doesn't look like im going to any time soon. this does bother me a lot but they are his kids so his decisionand only he can decide when he thinks it is the right time.

i love him so so much and i know he loves me just as much. But because of our situation it just doesn't feel like a proper normal relationship. He has 2 lives... us , and him and his kids. At the weekends i hardly hear from him as he is busy with his boys. This weekend since friday afternoon when i last saw him he has text me about 15 times which is a fraction of what it is during the week or like it used to be. its like he forgets me at the weekends and its horrible.

i love him too much to leave him and to me that isn't an option. But i just want to mentally distance myself a bit as it feels like i think more of our relationship than he does. It took a long while for me to feel ok about bringing my barriers down after getting hurt in the past but i feel like they are slowly going up again

i dont know if what im asking actually makes sense or not

OP posts:

Report

moondog · 07/05/2007 15:18

You will always take second place to his relationship with his children.Which is exactly how it should be in my opinion.

juicychops · 07/05/2007 15:22

Yeah, i totally agree and understand that. i wouldn't want it any other way. Its just the way i feel so forgotten about during the weekends that is getting me down. i feel like i need to change the way i feel about our relationship as it feels like this is the way its now going to be for a long time

OP posts:

moondog · 07/05/2007 15:24

I'm sorry Juicy.Sounds really hard.Dating parents when you are also a parent yourself must be a bloody nightmare.

juicychops · 07/05/2007 15:32

yes it is, its been difficult from day one. We hardly ever go out together as i have ds 2.4(who has no contact with his dad so i have no break from him)and he is with his boys from fri to sunday every weekend.

Its so damn hard i just want a half normal relationship with the man i love. all this lack of quality time was ok to start with but not now, its getting me down. I keep thinking about our future lately but there are so many factors effecting just even being able to live together! i know that it will be years before we can just even do that.

i want a hobby or some way of taking my mind off us and filling my brain with something productive that will take up a lot of physical and mental time

OP posts:

Paddlechick666 · 07/05/2007 16:33

going to stick my head over the parapet a bit here and say i think it's time you met his kids.

16 months is a long term relationship and if you and he are expecting the relationship to continue then you should be involved with his kids and get to know them and spend time as a family together.

do they know about you? what are his reasons for your not having met them yet?

in this day and age families come in all shapes and sizes...........

ps: i speak as a step-child and a step-mother.

divastrop · 07/05/2007 16:40

have you asked him when you are going to meet his kids?have you met his parents?have you discussed your future together?

i could understand it if you'd only been together a couple of months,or if you'd agreed it was only going to be a casual relationship from the start,but it sounds like you see a future with this man,in which case i think you need to address the issues.

hoolagirl · 07/05/2007 17:34

Agree with divastrop.
I would imangine if all is going so well that you would be wanting to live together soon?
I would start making noises about you all spending some time together.

juicychops · 07/05/2007 19:09

i wrote him a long letter a couple of months ago telling him how i felt about not being introduced to his boys or being involved in any part of that side of his life. he basically said it doesn't matter what i think, only he knows what is best for his children so only he will make that decision when he thinks its the right time. it could be months or it could be years.

ive met his mum and dad lots and have even been round for dinner a couple of times just me and ds! i get on well with his mum.
ive also met his sister and her fiance and we have stayed there the night a few times and ive fed her cats when she's been on holiday.

its only his boys. they dont know about me or that he has a girlfriend.

i hate feeling like this. But it like im not allowed to plan my future with him because i dont know when our future will even start

OP posts:

LucyJones · 07/05/2007 19:13

What does his mum think about it? Do you know her well enough to ask her opinion?

juicychops · 07/05/2007 19:19

ive never thought about asking her opinion before! his mum and dad always talk about the boys non stop to me about what they like, dislike, their personalities, hobbies, fave tv programmes etc. I know loads about them. I might have a think about bringing it up with his mum. but then if he's made it clear he will decide when he is ready and at no other time then he miht be upset with us discussing it if he found out we had been

OP posts:

Ifonlyhewould · 07/05/2007 19:20

Hi

I think it's a case of something you can't have making you want it more. I agree with paddlechick that 16months is a long time so it does seem right that you meet his kids but, it seems he isn't ready for that stage yet. I think you are doing the right thing in wanting to distance yourself emotionally from this part of his life, too much focus on the fact he is not letting you meet them is going to end up spoiling all the good things you have going for you. Just try to chill for a while. Give it a time limit of say, 3 months? where perhapds you don't mention them at all apart from to ask how they are. Take the pressure off a bit and you never know, it might be him suggesting the time is now right to meet them

hayes · 07/05/2007 19:23

maybe he doesn't want to introduce you as it would upset the boys mum? He may have had a bad experience in the past.

I agree with others that as you are in a long term relationship you should be at least meeting the boys. Children are very hardy and I thing more damage may be done by their dad not being entirely honest about his life.

maybe have a chat with his mum and she might be able to spread some light on the situation with the boys mum.

juicychops · 07/05/2007 19:31

his mum also has a boyfriend as far as he is aware and the boys dont know about him either. I dont know if they both dont want to upset them or if they are waiting for the other one to break the news first!

ive stopped mentioning the boys now anyway since the letter. its just the being ignored for the whole lengths of time he is with them every weekend.

Ive just started working part time which will help take some focus off the situation, but i seriously need something to get stuck into to distance myself. It making me confused about why he isn't making steps forward and about what he actually sees of our future.

i wont break up with him, but yes, need to take huge step back i feel. maybe just concentrate on me and ds life and try and get back into the mode of when we was first just dating. Its so hard it feels like i want more than he does

OP posts:

juicychops · 07/05/2007 19:42

that was meant to be the boy's mum, dp's ex

OP posts:

juicychops · 07/05/2007 19:49

gotta go now dp will be here in a min (first time i will have seen him since fri afternoon and first time i spoke to him properly since then too) but please share if you have any useful advice il be back tomorrow evening after work

thanks everyone so far

OP posts:

divastrop · 07/05/2007 20:37

if i were you i would be wondering why he doesnt want his kids to know he has a gf.they are old enough to understand about relationships etc.

why is it ok for him to be a part of your son's life but you're not allowed to meet his sons?

i dont think its fair that you have to try and distance yourself from the relationship.its obviously not what you want,it seems you are just putting up with a situation you're not happy with rather than risk the relationship ending.thats not good grounds for a relationship IMO,if it carries on like that then it will always be that things have to be on his terms.

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.