How do I stop mollycoddling my man?

[fedup1981]

We've been together two years, and personally I think it's more my behaviour than my man's that is at fault. I wasn't aware of how much I mollycoddle him until I sat down and thought about it, but I do, and what's more is, he hates it!

Today I am sposed to be going with him to the barbers because "he won't know what to ask for and they'll cut it too short"

I always cook because I assumed he couldn't, until one day he confessed that in one of his last relationships he did all the cooking and cleaning.

I just always fuss over him because I worry that if I neglect him he won't look after himself and he'll go hungry/get ill/be unhappy. Before we met I looked after my Mum for a couple of years who was terminally ill, and I think that since I can't get out of the "carer" mindset.

All my boyfriends end up this way because of me- lazy, dependant and resentful towards me.

I don't know how to stop this behaviour, because he seems to be getting very fed up with me fussing and "nagging" and "trying to be his Mum" (although he likes that he doesn't have to cook/clean/fill in his own forms/make his own telephone calls/has a masseuse and counsellor on tap)

We're forever rowing these days, and being 6 months pregnant, I know something will have to change. Right now he does nothing for me bar take me to the supermarket, take the bin out and put laundry in the washer.

My own feeling is that my behaviour is just "being nice and helpful" so I could do with a few pointers on how to change. How do I get him to take responsibility for himself without feeling like a selfish bitch?

And please don't suggest relate, it's a nice idea but he wouldn't go, and we're far too skint.

[PrettyCandles]

Unless I'm misunderstanging, it doesn't sound like you have to "get him to take responsibility for himself" - he would probably do so if you allowed him to. How about, before you say anything or do anything, you stop and say to yourself "I will not interfere. I will let X go ahead and do it, and I will not criticise if it is not done the way I would do it." And then you step back and let him get on with it. Bite your tongue and sit on your hands if you have to! When the baby is born you will want him to do all of those things and more. Retrain yourself - and let him get used to it - now!

[mumblechum]

Ok, why not work out how many hours per week each of you have outside work/other commitments and then do a list of tasks with a rough guide of how many hours per week each takes, then each take it in turn to pick one, eg you pick making 4 dinners plus Sunday brunch, he picks mowing the lawn, doing the weekly shop, plus Saturday brunch till all the tasks are taken?

You need to get this sorted before the baby comes or you'll end up a wreck.

[Ifonlyhewould]

No, NO, NO!! this has to stop!! In a few months time you will be on here complaining that your DH treats you like a doormat, that you do everything and he does nothing.
I'm soooooo glad you came on here NOW! While we can help you to nip this thing in the bud!

Think of it this way, do you think your DH would enjoy sleeping with his mother?
Blunt yes, but also true. You doing everything for him is seriously going to back fire on you. He doesn't need a mother, i presume he already has one of those. He needs a wife, a partner.

Now take a step back and just stop doing everything for him. Wean yourself off if you need to. But stop mollycoddling him. You are doing yourself no favours in the long term.

[FiveFingeredFiend]

Should a women who either
a) Has anal sex
b) Does it Doggie
c) gives BJ

reaaly go to the barbers to say "no thats just toooooo short"

are you his mother?

[fedup1981]

Thanks for the input so far, more advice very welcome!

Mumblechum I lost my job recently so I'm at home all day while he works. This is one of the reasons I think why he feels justified in doing nothing around the house, even at weekends.

I think I'm supposed to just get on with everything and not ask him for anything or comment on anything. I think if I could do that we'd have a mostly harmonious relationship, (although he'd still be angry I wasn't bringing any money in, but it's hard to find a job at almost 7 months pregnant)

Prettycandles, If I sat back and waited for him to do anything, he probably wouldn't do it at all. For example, if I say to him when he gets home "You don't need me to come with you to get your hair cut" he just won't go because he'll say he doesn't know what to ask for and how to get to the barbers.

Same goes for if I sit back and wait for him to cook. I have tried...we sat there til midnight. Eventually he went and got himself some biscuits and sat down again. Even if I'm ill he doesn't offer to cook, ever. He never willingly does anything off his own back, or anything just to be nice. He must always be asked. (And then I'm a nag)

[fedup1981]

lol fff! I don't know about the anal sex (anal housekeeping, sure) but yeah I get what you're saying.

His mother fussed over him long before I came on the scene, even to making his lunchbox and breakfast before he went to work when he lived with her after his first relationship broke down (in his late twenties) so he's used to women fussing over him. Incidentally, he never calls her.

It's like it's expected, but not respected.

[PrettyCandles]

Clearly I have misundertsood!

It seems that he has learned thsat he doesn't need to do anything because you will do it for him.

[Ifonlyhewould]

This thread seems to have taken a turn. It started out that you mollycoddled him willingly and he hated it. Now you are saying that he expects it and if you don't do it it won't get done.

I'm a bit confused (hmm)

[FiveFingeredFiend]

I like you fedup, simply because you got it.

[FiveFingeredFiend]

You must stop referring to him as "my man" its so Ricki Lake

[fedup1981]

I know, this is my dilemma. See, he does hate it, as in he's always saying I'm in his face, I should stop asking if he's ok, that I'm fussing and nagging and "trying to be his mum" but then again he doesn't ever try to be independent. He prefers me to carry on doing everything, but also moans too.

So if I was to suddenly withdraw all the nice things I do for him, he wouldn't think "oh, I'll just do it myself" he'll see it as me declaring war. Oh, and I'll be classed as lazy, too.

It is confusing, isn't it!

[gothicmama]

I think little steps is needed here start to drop one or two things at a time adn let him pick up on doing them thenwhen it becomes routine drop some more that way not too much of a shock

[fedup1981]

Heh, it IS a bit ricki lake, but having a "boyfriend" at 25 when you're this pregnant sounds silly!

[Ifonlyhewould]

To be honest I wouldn't care what he thought of me. i would just do it, stop doing everything for him. There are a lot of us on here paying a dear price for 'buying' our partners approval by doing things for them in the belief that they will love us and be happy with us, blah, blah, blah. It does not work!! If you continue to do all you do he is going to continue taking advantage of it. If he wants to sulk because you refuse to be his mother then thats his problem. Leave him to sulk!

You seem to know all this anyway. Its just a matter of putting it into practice.

[thegardener]

next time he says 'stop acting like my mother' i would take the bull by the horns and say right well i'm fed up of you treating me like your mum - i need you to be more helpful in the house. when he asks what you would like him to do make sure you say everything that would be a help not just a snippet, let him have some control over certain things i.e make a shopping list together, ask him what things he can cook etc.

[EachPeachPearPlum]

Could you stand to just let his hair grow until he goes to the barbers himself? It shouldn't really be your responsibility and it sounds like you have enough on your plate at the moment. In fact if he sees it as your responsibility to clean and cook and do all those things for him then maybe you need to have a bit of a talk.

I do nearly all the cooking in our house, but that's mainly because I enjoy it. DH mows the lawn and does things like his own ironing if I don't. Other things tend to be shared a bit more although tbh housework can still be a bit of an issue for us.