Please help me work out my problem...

[lifesteeth]

I've posted many threads about my DP, it must be getting on peoples nerves now so this is my last one, I was hoping you lot could help me work out what the problem is. I've always been crap with relationships, If something isnt "perfect" I concentrate on the bad parts...this is what is happening with my DP I think.

I'll try and post a balanced view:

His good points - he's generous towards ANYONE whenever he "does" have money, he will pay for me and my kids wherever we go, always buys us presents etc..
He's funny, quite often has me laughing my head off with his one-liners
He's sociable, gets on well with my family and friends
He's quite good with the kids, taught me eldest dyspraxic son how to ride a 2 wheel bike, often plays football with them etc...

Bad points - Still lives with his mum and is quite heavily reliant on her
Sits at home hungry waiting for his mum to come home from work at 10 to cook him and his dad a meal
Spends money like its water, bought my 6 year old a £160 scalextric set for his birthday which I told him he was too young for (its been played with twice).
Got all his priorities wrong, for instance cant afford to pay his holiday payment but goes to buy another mobile phone instead.
Doesnt have much ambition, "wants" lots of things but seems quite content to keep on wanting.
He's in alot of debt but still buys himself xbox games every month etc

Last time I broke up with him he said "don't I get a say in this?" which made my blood boil for some reason.


There are loads more examples, good and bad but looking at this, is it me or is it him?

[Pixiefish]

Sounds to me like his problem is that he eneds to live in the real world. He is reliant on his mum and I wonder, do they bail him out financially

[Ifonlyhewould]

The problem is you don't love him, you don't have respect for him but for some reason you are unable to let him go and meet someone who will love and appreciate all his good qualities.

If you really feel so strongly just let him go and move on.

[lifesteeth]

They bail him out finantially all the time, he knows full well that if he spends all of his wages in the first week of the month his mum will help him out with the rest of the month. She pays one of his credit cards as a regular set-up and quite often when he is here he will phone her and tell her to transfer some money into his bank account .

He and his dad don't get on and I think this is why.

A while ago he was nagging his mum for broadband (he's 26 btw!) she said yes, his dad said no as it would have to be in his name so DP starts kicking off about it! being sarcastic I said to him "just tell them that all your friends have it" as a joke and he said "I've already tried that, he doesnt care.."

[StinkyPete]

sounds a bit like you're describing a teenager tbh

[RedLorryYellowLorry]

I think if you could change all the bad bits he'd be great. Problem is you can't. I think you've got to move on and leave him to grow up if that's what he wants to do.

[raspberryberet]

He hasn't grown up yet ... as StinkyPete says, you're not describing an adult, you're describing a teenager. It's hard to have respect for someone who doesn't pull their weight in a relationship and who you can't relate to on adult terms.

You need a man, not a little boy, and until he grows up and starts to take some responsibility, you'll never have a proper relationship with him.

[lifesteeth]

It is a shame because I think he is a good person deep down, whenever I've tried to finish it with him he asks for specific reasons and I can never think what to say...I mention his relationship with his mum and he denies that he sponges off her, on one occasion he even reffered to the fact that I sponge off the government! (not in as many words but he may as well have just said that).

I've tried saying "we're just totally different..." so he asks "what is it you want? you dont even know" so I tell him I want someone with a bit of motivation in them, someone with at least a few similar interests to me, someone who wants to travel and see the world and he just replies with "but I want to do all that too...", he just doesnt understand.

[Carmenere]

You are not in love with this man/child. Split up with him, it is the only fair thing for both of you.

[WanderingTrolley]

He has some great good points, but he is still a teenager.

You want to be with someone capable of fending for themselves (also known as 'an adult.') If they can't fend for themselves, how can they fend for you? His attitude towards money would have me downgrading him to shag buddy immediately.

He'd make a great nanny. At the moment you are a single parent with the added responsibility of a boyfriend. Not meant to be like that, is it? Just because you care about someone doesn't make you want to care for them - I think that's what's at the heart of it.

Accept he's feckless, but is good fun, and don't assume there's a big future for you anytime soon. Or ditch him, if you feel you need more self reliance from your partner. He may be crap now, he might not always be.

[raspberryberet]

It's not fair on either of you to continue the relationship when you clearly don't love the man, and I would have thought that would be a strong and specific enough reason to give for finishing with him.

[LucyLemon]

I think you should break up with him too. He's driving you nuts and you don't even live with him. Imagine if he did move in with you!
Have your holiday and then move on.
Honestly.

[MrsApron]

You know i skimmed this as i scrolled down to the inital post thinking OFGS just dump him then pmsl at "getting on peoples nerves now"

HE IS AN ARSE. YOU CAN DO BETTER. GIVE HIM THE HOOF.

[thefuturesbright]

is he good in bed?

[Anniegetyourgun]

LOL at

'Last time I broke up with him he said "don't I get a say in this?"'

He doesn't have to accept your reasons for wanting to break up with him. You don't have to come up with the killer justification which will make him go "oh, I understand now, of course we must split up". Just DO it! It's YOUR choice who you want to date.

If you do want to be with him though - well, enjoy the fun, but accept he can't give you more than fun because he just ain't a responsible person. You can't single-handedly force him to grow up.

I know, I know: "the kids will miss him terribly..." Well maybe they're missing out on someone better; there are a lot of fun guys in the world. (Not so many who are fun and responsible at the same time, though they do exist.)

[lifesteeth]

Well I told him last night that I don't think its working and I got "don't start this again" so I told him I was telling him how I feel and that the whole thing is just stressing me out so he replied "well I'm sorry I'm just not bloody good enough" I said "I told you months ago that this wouldn't work and you wouldn't listen" so he basically said we'd talk about it next time he comes down

I really don't know what to do, the holiday is in september, we've paid over £1k on it now not to mention the money and stress involved in getting our passports, the kids are looking foward to it so much...but I'm not sure I can stay with him until september, its all getting too much