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Daughter won't stay with her dad

9 replies

Lilfroggi1 · 11/12/2016 13:25

Yesterday 23:26 Lilfroggi1

Hi just looking for a bit of advice really, myself and husband separated over a year ago we have a 9yr old daughter. The problem is that he would like her to stay with him but she doesn't want to, she had started to one night during the summer holidays and then he took her for a weeks holiday and she hasn't really been keen on staying since, she had a lovely time on the holiday as she does talk about it. I don't want to force her as I feel she has to be ready in her own time but I'm ex husband feels that she should be made to stay. I'm wondering if there is anyway I can help with getting her to stay with him? Or has anyone else been in this situation

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SandyY2K · 11/12/2016 13:31

Has she said why she doesn't want to stay?
It could be that she doesn't see it as home and is away from all her own things.

Is she generally happy to see her dad?

Does he have a bedroom for her at his house?

If so, maybe he can take her to buy furniture for it and choose her bedding, so she feels part of it.

Kids don't usually like sleeping on the sofa or in a spare room that doesn't feel like their own.

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SandyY2K · 11/12/2016 13:35

If you force her to stay, she could become upset. Try and dig into the 'why'.

Does she see him at fault for the split?
Do either of you have new partners? That can have an impact.

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Petalbird · 11/12/2016 13:46

You really need to find what the problem is. It will not be fair on her dad to keep her away from staying with him, maybe she needs to spend more time there in order to get settled?

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Lilfroggi1 · 11/12/2016 14:03

I've asked her why but her answer is I don't know and that she will miss me and our dog. She is happy to go for the day with him but just wants to come home I do think she does blame him for the split as it was his choice to leave and when he left he lied to her, by saying as his mum hadn't been well that he needed to stay with her for a while. She has her own room there and has picked bedding out. but when she has stayed there she hasn't slept in her own room. There are no new new partners on either side. But he has said twice that he wants to try again then we start to talk and sort things out and then he changes his mind after a month my daughter doesn't know that he has tried to do that though. But last night she did say she would like me to tell them in school again as she has a new teacher so that she can talk to them if she wants too.
I am not trying to keep her away from him at all I want them to have a good relationship.

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Ellisandra · 11/12/2016 14:14

Why did it take more than 6 months for her to start having overnights?
Hindsight is a great thing, but I expect that hasn't helped.
Agree with others that you need to get to the WHY.
But in general I would say it's something (her relationship with him) you should support and allowing it to be optional won't help.
Rule out serious concerns, then deal with it within a context of the regular visits.

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Ellisandra · 11/12/2016 14:19

Delay in my post loading - hadn't read your second post.
I don't think there'll be an "own time" about this.
What's wrong with her not sleeping in her own room when there?
I would think about shortening the day, so if it is a 9-5, go 2-next morning at first, so she's not away that long. Or bedtime until 5 next day so she's not worrying when she arrives about staying.
How about she arrives for dad cooking her favourite and a DVD, then bed.
As she's saying she wants to be able to speak to a teacher, maybe a proper counsellor would be better.

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Ellisandra · 11/12/2016 14:20

Any chance to take the dog with her?

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Ellisandra · 11/12/2016 14:26

Actually, the more I think about it the more I think a therapist could help.
It's not good if she is blaming her dad.
It doesn't matter whose fault it was - I think it's better for children to learn to understand and accept that some marriages end and it happens.
If a child witnesses something like DV then I think honestly that it wasn't allowed is OK. But otherwise - including affairs like my XH's - children should just be told (gently) that shit happens.
She needs to stop resenting her dad.

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Lilfroggi1 · 11/12/2016 14:47

Hi Ellisandra for the first couple of months he was living with his mum and his brother moved back home in a 2 bedroomed house he did want her to stay then but it wasn't practical then and also she wasn't happy with him then at all she was upset.
She had stayed a couple of times in the first six months but just really didn't want to. He has had the dog a couple of times but he always seems to want to do lots of fun things with her so he is not always keen but he blames me if something doesn't go his way. I have offered for him to have a quilt cover that she used to have at home when she had a single bed. I just worry that if we force her that she will dread going to see him.
she sees him in karate on a Monday and Thursday which the 3 of us do, she is also with him on a Wednesday after school and then every other weekend. Maybe he needs to spend more time at home when he has her but I'm not sure if I say that to him he will like it.
He seems to want to push for her to stay for a while then once she starts worrying he backs off for a few months and seems okay with the situation.
I also think that the part of the problem is that when he was living with us if I went out she used to come with me and stay with my mum that was his choice as he liked to go surfing and mountain biking most weekends, he I would say spends more quality time with her now. I am going to look into seeing if she can speak to a councillor that may help.