He booked a jolly without telling me

[Oldtimeuser]

I feel like I'm going insane. We both work, him FT shifts, I have a basically full time job but try and cram it into PT hours around his shifts. I'm paid by the hour as am a self employed consultant but there's not enough hours in the week. I therefore often have to work at weekends or work very late at night to make work up esp with certain things going on at work. Jan is mad for work this year for me. Really busy. Plus as am self employed and we jointly rent out property I have to do the tax return (his and mine). It's a ton of paperwork to sort and took me two full days last year. Has to be done on weekends or at night due to work in week. DH normally goes away for a few days in Jan skiing. Fine. This year however Jan is particularly bad due to my big work commitment.
He went on a four day stag do at end of Nov which involved obviously me looking after the kids and it being difficult to fit work around them. Fine no problem he deserved a break.

He just announced he has booked flights for four nights away with his brother in Jan. Didn't ring me first to check dates. I went ballistic as the dates are right in the middle of worst time at work. Suggested other dates between now and end Feb. He wouldn't change them. Eventually after me losing my shit and crying at work etc he cancelled with very bad grace and said I have to explain to his brother why he can't go (erm no childcare dickhead as I'm not available and you have kids?)
He's now made this into "you have made it so I can't see my brother for a year"
His brother lives abroad. About 2 hrs flight. Has older teenage kids, we have three under 10. Brother came over in summer however unfortunately we were away visiting my only family who live 8 hours flight away and who I hadn't seen for four years. We knew dates would clash with brother's annual visit but I had a really important (to me) family event to make and as my family abroad are spread out all over the foreign country I wanted to go when they were all together for this event so I could see everyone in one place. I should say I have no family at all in this country DH has four other siblings and one parent still living. He now says as we missed out on seeing his brother in the summer due to seeing my family I have to make sure he sees his brother in January

I'm so cross and upset that DH just assumed I would care for kids and booked flights. No respect to check dates with me. A 2 min convo would have produced other dates and explained the issue with those dates. He alleges I said he couldn't go so he booked anyway (wrong in itself) but I remember a v fleeting mention when I said ugh Jan really really busy not great this year tax return etc. No dates mentioned. I now have suggested alternatives to him but he appears just to be sulking. I feel like he's totally tried to screw me over when I thought we were a partnership in trying to look after kids and keep our respective careers going. Inevitably mine has suffered more over the years and I'm now doing a job I'm not happy with to stay more local. Still v pressured though. I do all the drop offs in the mornings even when DH isn't in til 10am because he never gets up. Plus nearly 10 years of getting up in the night and early mornings of baby / toddler. BIG source of resentment as he has never got up and I have to beg and beg for a lie in when short of sleep and he takes so long to get up or shouts at 3 yr old at her usual waking time to go away and go back to bed that I end up getting up anyway.
This morning he was starting at 10am I thought and he didn't have a late finish yesterday was home by 6 and I had been awake in the night a lot (if it's not the kids it's insomnia probably because my body clock is fucked). Heard him get up at 7 and thought oh thank god he'll sort kids for once (this must be my first lie in for maybe three months) and I can go back to sleep. Woke up at 8 and realised kids weren't dressed or anything just playing and he was about to walk about the door suited and booted. He had an early meeting I'd forgotten about but hadn't bothered to get kids dressed or wake me to get them dressed. We normally leave the house at ten to eight not that he really knows that as he's never up unless gone to an early shift. Also he could have dropped them off himself and still made meeting although it would have been a rush - but same rush I do every morning!

Am sorry for the rant I know this is so minor compared to some shit I see on here am just so disappointed as I thought after a lot of hard work he now thought about arrangements and kids and we were a team. I don't even know how to start raising how let down I feel.

[Helbelle75]

He sounds like a selfish idiot, and I suspect that this isn't about him booking a holiday without asking about dates, but actually the straw that broke the camel's back.
Does he contribute anything practically to the household, or is it you doing it all? I don't think YABU at all, but I do think it's time to have a chat with him about pulling his weight and if he gets all sulky and defensive, think about if you really want to be with him.

[MrsDustyBusty]

Has he told you what he's doing to organise child care?

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

To be honest, from what you've said, I've no idea why you expect him to check dates with you or try and make your life easier at all. He seems to be completely selfish and checked out of family life... he stays in bed so you can do all the drop offs? Charming. He doesn't seem take responsibility for his kids at all.

Is life actually easier with him around? Between rating his family and happiness higher than yours and being useless so you do all the childcare; it doesn't feel like it would be. He doesn't seem to respect or value you at all. How and why have you put up with this for ten years?!

[SixthSenseless]

V quickly:
He is being really inconsiderate and unfair,
To sort it, you both need to work on teamwork and mutual communication. First casualty in a busy stressesd household!
He needs to know what the routine is, you not to assume he does.
You both sound locked in 'I'm so busy? I'm more hard fine by' on work and family.
Hard because it is HIS selfishness that has just upped the ante.

Start from ground up with a 'we can't carry on communicating like this ' conversation.

[Happybunny19]

Yanbu at all, rant away. He's being tremendously selfish about the holiday, leaving you to sort the tax returns (why isn't he doing his?) and his attitude towards childcare absolutely stinks.

Stand your ground on this, he's being a cock.

[Helbelle75]

Sorry, mine should say YANBU at all!

[AgentProvocateur]

Why are you doing everything? He doesn't seem like an active participant in family life, or a particularly good father or husband. What does he bring to the table?

[mylifeisamystery]

This is exactly what my exh used to do - arrange weekends away/lads holidays without even asking if it was ok or if I minded. He brought nothing to the family, it was so much easier when we split.
My new partner actually helps in the house its such a breath of fresh air, I'm less stressed, happier and can actually enjoy the kids.

[Adora10]

Does not sound minor at all, he has zero respect for you and is taking the absolute piss both at home and outside, can't see for a second what you get out of being with him.

[Adora10]

You don't sound like a team at all.

[Chillyegg]

Reading posts like this make me happy im a single parent. He sounds like a dickhead sorry but would your life be easier without this knobhead?

[ageingrunner]

He sounds like an arsehole tbh. Ask yourself WHY your career has suffered more than his if you're meant to be a team. I'd LOVE a partner who basically did everything while I swanned about not giving a shit about anything. Lucky him he's really struck lucky with you. You, not so much

[Cricrichan]

Bloody hell. Sit down with him and come up with a fair schedule for both of you. Let him do 50% of childcare and housework and rental admin!