Is this emotional abuse?

[EmilyRosanne]

I am stuck in a rut with DP of 7 years. We have two children aged 4 and 4 months, he has always been 'difficult' and has ADD which seems to have a big affect on our relationship. However in the last year it has gone very downhill, during my pregnancy with the baby he was very stand off and less affectionate which I put down to it being a high risk difficult pregnancy. Since the baby has been born it has gotten worse, we haven't had sex in 3 months despite me trying, he often sleeps in spare room which he says is to not disturb us when he leaves very early which is partially true but still makes for a lonely night. He is very unsupportive and only 'helps' around the house if he is asked, for example the baby had a bad night last night so I spent most of the evening settling her and when I got up this morning he hadn't bothered to wash up, tidy his dinner plate or sort out our eldest's school lunch, because he wasn't 'asked' so now when he goes to work I will spend the morning tidying up after him. He seems constantly in a mood and never wants to do anything if I try to go out as a family, then when I react to it he involves our son saying that 'mummy is in a mood now'. I am thoroughly miserable most days and have started to dread him coming home, we had an argument the other day where I told him to go and stay at his mums as if he isn't interested in me anymore then no one is keeping him here, he shouted back that the children keep him here so now I have this statement going over in my head that he doesn't want to be with me but simply doesn't want to leave the children. He refuses to leave and says I just need to 'sort my attitude out' I have contemplated leaving myself Atleast for a few days but this is complicated by the baby having complex health problems and our eldest being at school so staying somewhere else would be really difficult. I desperately want to make things work and keep our family together but don't see how anything could improve and I can't live in a loveless, sexless relationship and to teach the children to accept this kind of relationship.

[Thisjustinno]

I think you're both unhappy and should have an honest conversation about your future.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I desperately want to make things work and keep our family together
but don't see how anything could improve and I can't live in a loveless, sexless relationship and to teach the children to accept this kind of relationship".

What do you get out of this relationship, what does he bring to this at all?.

I think you need to look far more closely at your own reasons for wanting to make this at all work. It takes two to make a relationship and he does not want to do anything to improve things. He should not also stay for the sake of the children; he does not seem to be present much in their lives in any case. He certainly does not want to do anything with you personally.

No you cannot keep living like this because its no existence at all really. As you rightly surmise its not on that these children should accept this sort of a relationship either for their own selves when adults. Its no legacy to leave them.

What is the situation re property and finances?. Such men as well more often than not refuse to leave; it seems to be a default setting with such people to try and exert more power and control over their victims.

You need a plan to leave and Womens Aid would be worth calling here on 0808 2000 247.

[pallasathena]

He's doing what some men do when there's a new baby in the home. He's opting out and blaming you to make himself feel better. If you accept this behaviour and adopt a passive, accepting attitude it will escalate.
You're tired, stressed, worried and appear without options but you do have options and you really need to assert those options.
Number one option is your right to live a happy life and bring up your children in a safe, secure and happy home.
You have the power to make changes with him or without him. Stand firm, get assertive, don't accept his behaviour or make excuses for it and plan for the future that YOU want.
Men like him are no great loss o/p.

[EmilyRosanne]

I'm currently on maternity leave so only earn a very small amount which goes towards the children/food and he pays the rest. We rent the home so I believe if I were to leave him I would get some help towards the cost but I have no savings to go towards a deposit of renting somewhere else and staying with a friend etc. for the time being isn't really an option with the baby having some extra needs.

On a good day when he seems in a happy mood he is bubbly, lively he brings everyone's spirits up and we have a lovely day but these seem less and less often and everyone's day seems affected by his mood swings. I asked him if he could be depressed but he denied it and makes no effort to try and correct it.

[Adora10]

Honestly, I'd give up OP and tell him you want to separate, it might just shock him into realising how unhappy you are and no wonder, he's treating you dreadfully. At a time where your partner should be supporting you and helping you, he's treating you like crap and making you feel like he's there under duress, I'd honestly tell him to fuck off and be a single parent, he's literally no use to you at all.

If he aint got your back now he's never going to, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone so cruel?

[Hermonie2016]

It there something else going on? Has anyone else noticed his behaviour change or is it just directed at you?

Can you speak to him when he is in an up mood. Explain that you can't cope with the change on his moods.
I feel it's an awful situation for you as you are vulnerable after having a new baby.

[EmilyRosanne]

He had recently changed jobs and this is very much more stressful and more target based, alongside the new baby arrival and the health difficulties it has been an awful 6 months but this should be a time when we come together and support each other but I feel very much alone.

I took our eldest to school this morning and stayed out for the morning with a friend (it's his day off) just went home to find him sat on the sofa all the curtains pulled, messy house etc. and just feel flat. I do feel things would be easier on my own, one less person to tidy after, happier home etc. just don't know where to turn and don't want to uproot the children especially with a few weeks until Christmas.

[EmilyRosanne]

From what I can tell he seems to be on an 'up' mood all the time with his friends, constantly laughing at messages from them etc. we don't see a lot of his family so no changes there. He seems more intolerant of DS being a normal 4yo.

[whatminniedidnext]

He sounds unsupportive at the very least.

Do you feel you are walking on eggshells when he is around?

Have you changed your behaviour to try to prevent him "kicking off" about something?

Are you afraid of his reaction if you were to tell him you wanted to end the relationship?

[Bluntness100]

I don't think it's emotional abuse, no, but I do think it's a symptom of two unhappy people. It could be he is depressed, or stressed, or even disengaging, and having such young children is tough. He's probably being deliberately up with his mates but letting the mask slip at home.

I'd maybe try and sit him down and try to have a non accusatory discussion about what you both need and how you both feel. Can you get a baby sitter and go out for the evening? Neutral territory, a glass of wine, maybe something to eat?

[EmilyRosanne]

Yes I do feel like I'm treading on egg shells, I wake up in the morning and wonder what kind of a mood he is in.

I used to pick him up on things he does, like leaving dinner plates/clothes lying around but I now just end up doing it myself to avoid a row then resent myself later at picking up after him.

I am not scared of how he will react necessarily but I am quite scared of all the consequences of splitting. For example sharing Christmases, birthdays, and telling my DS who would be heartbroken as he adores his dad.

[EmilyRosanne]

I am breastfeeding and often she cluster feeds in an evening so getting a babysitter isn't an option
I have tried to home to talk about his feelings but he is convinced that it is all my fault and nothing he has done

[Adora10]

From what you say he's checked out anyway and you are left living with a nasty bad tempered git, I'd be making plans to split after Xmas, your son will be fine, you will have to co parent but at least you will be able to live in a home that is not a living hell and you will probably have more help when he has to be a parent on his own.

[whatminniedidnext]

It sounds like he is abusive, I wouldn't say severely to be honest (if you're not scared of his reaction if you try to leave) but enough to make you unhappy. The key thing is really whether he will make the changes he needs to make in order for you to feel happy and supported in this relationship. I would spell it out to him and tell him you're not happy and that things need to change. If he turns it around and denies any wrongdoing, or makes it out to be your fault, doesn't listen and doesn't change then I think you would be happier out of this relationship.

Do you still love him? What are his good points? (It was this second question that really prompted me to leave my ex as I couldn't think of a single sodding thing )

[EmilyRosanne]

I do still love him, he does have good points. He is a good father, does a lot of the cooking, hard worker I just feel I need more, we are rarely intimate (partially the baby) because we seem forever bickering and I tend to go to bed early with the baby and he stays up later so we are like passing ships.
If I mention this or ask if he's coming to bed when I do he says he is tired etc.

I asked him yesterday to stay somewhere else for a while to give me some space, he said that is pointless and we need to talk about it but I feel I've said everything I needed to say in the past but nothing changes so I went out with the children for the day and asked him to not be there when I get back. Got home and he is still sat on the sofa, I want to leave myself and get some distance but would be much harder with the baby and all her medication/equipment. I think he knows this and that is why he hasn't left.