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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Contact with Step children after divorce

21 replies

Userblahblahblahb · 05/12/2016 12:51

Does anyone have any experience of this? Clearly they have no legal rights but is contact usually maintained?

OP posts:

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DailyMailCrap · 05/12/2016 12:56

My dsd would def be upsef if dh and I separated because she's known me practically since 1 years old, and would need access. But would depend on the circumstances of the separation ie abuse etc.

Mistletoetastic · 05/12/2016 13:35

I think that the children need to lead on this, ask them if they want to have contact, maybe start with a no obligation invitation to something fun? depends on their ages too.

I was the child in a similar experience, my Dad and his long term partner broke up (not married) and I really liked her, she provided me some security though difficult times such as a very ill sibling, I lived with my Dad after my Mum left the family home and she was the only maternal figure in my life.

When they broke up I was 15, my Dad really behaved badly in that he said awful things about her to me, I was made to feel that I would be disloyal in staying in contact with her so I didn't, it was a small town so I saw her out and about sometimes, we always had a nice chat. Fast forward to now, she died last year and I wish that I had been a better "step" daughter to her. I should have shown that I cared.

Userblahblahblahb · 05/12/2016 13:53

I'm coming from the other side in that I've split with the DCs step dad. We have one child together.

He has abandoned them for all intents and purposes. When he left he made all kinds of promises to see them and stay in contact which he has broken. He's still regularly here to pick our DD up but he doesn't bother with them other than a quick hello.

My youngest doesn't remember a time when he didn't live with us. Although they have a dad who they are very close too they are very upset at the loss.

I didn't know if I was being U to expect him to still want to see them?

OP posts:

DailyMailCrap · 05/12/2016 14:03

You have your answer there. He doesn't want to. Presumably because he probably wasn't a v good father to them in the first place. Try to let it go and give your dd lots of love and affection yourself.

Userblahblahblahb · 05/12/2016 17:28

That's what is weird. He went above and beyond for the kids when he was here. They really were so fond of him and I though he was of them.

I know I shouldn't be surprised as kids actually fathers walk out and don't look back, but this has really bothered me.

OP posts:

Hermonie2016 · 05/12/2016 18:05

How long have you been separated? My stbex has been similar, hardly no contact with my DD who he knew for 15 years.I made sure I was in contact with his dd.I feel my stbex just doesn't have the emotional capacity to think of anyone but himself plus when he feels hurt he acts negatively without thinking of the long term consequences.Could it be similar for your ex? It would be best to discuss it with your ex, just to make him aware that his behaviour will have an impact.There isn't much more you can do after that except be there for your children and let them talk about it.

How old are the other children?

Userblahblahblahb · 05/12/2016 18:38

Separated for 6 months.

I've tried discussing it with him but his stock answer is "I don't know what you want from me, they aren't my kids". I would've thought at least he could stay in contact with DD who has a phone. I'm not expecting him to have them over for the night or anything. Just so disappointed.

OP posts:

SVJAA · 05/12/2016 18:42

DP is the only dad his DSDs have ever known and has formal access through social work for that reason, just as if he had parental rights. SS agreed that continuity and security was in their best interests.

Mistletoetastic · 05/12/2016 19:36

OP if he doesn't want contact then there isn't much you can do other than limit their interaction with them. Could you facilitate a handover of DD away from your older DC?

Also leave the invitation open for him to have access in future, if he is bitter/hurt from breakup it may be affecting his behaviour. (Not sticking up for his behaviour btw) Also your DD may ask him for her siblings to be included when she gets older?

Hermonie2016 · 05/12/2016 19:49

Oh that's harsh! I agree it's so easy to stay in touch when they have phones.
It's his issue and no doubt one he will regret later in life.Life is all about our relationships and connections with people so he's losing out on the joy of your children.

Liara · 05/12/2016 19:58

How old are the children?

I am still in touch with my step dad 30 years after he split with my mum. I am not in touch with any of my step mums, and never have been after their splits with my dad.

I think the main difference is that my mum and stepdad carried on being fairly sociable with each other, and there were many family occasions when we were all there (still are, now with stepdad's wife too!). He has never made a huge effort in terms of initiating contact (in terms of calling and so on), but has always been very supportive materially of all of us (he paid my uni fees!) and has always made us feel very welcome at his home (which was the family home when we all lived together, so is familiar and comforting and we tend to want to go there every so often).

I wish I had stayed in touch with my dad's third wife, she was lovely. But I was a bit young to initiate the contact, and my dad never facilitated it so it never happened. If I knew how to get in touch with her now I would.

Userblahblahblahb · 05/12/2016 20:50

Liara, that's so lovely. Far beyond what I would expect from ex. It's just very hurtful that after 4 years of raising them, nursing them, holidays, Christmases, carrying them to bed when they were sleeping that he can't even manage a text now and then.

They are 11, 9 and 6. 6 year old in particular is very hurt as she doesn't remember a time he wasn't here.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 05/12/2016 21:47

Awful for your children but I think him saying "They're not my kids" is the end of it. He doesn't want contact and it won't help to try to force it. He is probably worried you will hit him for child support.

NeeNahh · 06/12/2016 14:37

Step parents and new partners of exes are often criticised on here for trying to act like children's parents. Now they are being criticised for not doing so. Which is correct or are step parents always wrong by default?

wonderingsoul · 06/12/2016 18:23

Its hard..dp has a son with a wonan who has 3 children a dd then his son then another child after that... he will see all 3 when he vists different country due to work he still treats the dd as hes as he was there from when she waz a baby. He will still interact and wish the 3rd child though hr has no bond whats so ever.

Lelloteddy · 06/12/2016 19:25

Neenah here's some vinegar for that massive chip.

OP that's really harsh for your kids. Was the split particularly acrimonious? Is there any chance that when the dust settles, he'll realise how traumatic is is for a six year old to have someone so important cut her off?
Agree in the meantime that it might be easier all round if he picks up your little DD away from the house.

Liara · 07/12/2016 20:50

I think at that age it is very difficult for the children to initiate or maintain contact. If the split wasn't very acrimonious, would it be possible to do some things as a family? The occasional sunday lunch all of us together did wonders for that feeling that we were all part of the blended family, even after all the divorces.

I do understand that that might not be possible so soon after the breakup, but maybe one to bear in mind for the future when the dust has settled?

Userblahblahblahb · 07/12/2016 21:01

He isn't interested. He took the kids out once after we split.

It wasn't particularly acrimonious but is becoming more so. I'm really angry at how hurt the DC are. Separate from the split it's really surprised me how callous he's been. I wonder if he really cared about them at all!

OP posts:

Hermonie2016 · 07/12/2016 22:04

He has the ability to compartmentise.Who initiated the split? I did not blame you for feeling angry.You don't bring someone into your children's lives for them to just disappear.Its broken trust for you.

SandyY2K · 07/12/2016 23:45

Depends on how bad the split was and the reasons why, as well as who initiated it. I know some men and women who would love to maintain a relationship with their stepchildren, but the bio parent refuses to allow it.

anxiousnow · 07/12/2016 23:49

Sounds awful OP. As you said you cannot force him. I would as suggested just tell him that although you are aware they are not his kids he has had an important role in their life, and they all care about him and he welcome to continue the relationship with them with no strings attached. Then you've done your bit. Hope once hurt settles he steps up and show's them he still cares.

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