Grumpy husbands/partners

[GreensAreGoodForYou]

So I know a lot of women deal with grumpy partners (from speaking to friends/family) but I just don't know whether to call it quits or to keep trying to change him/myself so it works better. Have any of you managed to overcome a grumpy husband issue without leaving him?!

Some recent examples of grumpiness: we were carrying a mattress and I was at the front, I started walking and suddenly he drops it, barking at me that I'm going too fast and don't I realise he can't go as fast. I laugh trying to make light of the situation. He picks mattress up and then charges really fast to 'show me what it's like' so that I nearly get rammed into the area outside our kitchen. Again, I laugh trying not to make it an issue, and he barks at me again. (Maybe I should cry instead of laugh next time?!)

He comes home with the kids after school. I've put out two plates of food in the kitchen (one for me, one for him as the kids have eaten). I am elsewhere. When I see him he is eating a sandwich. I tell him there's food in the kitchen for him and he grumbles, How am I supposed to know it's for me when you're always having a go at me for eating food I'm not supposed to? (This is based on stuff like him eating a lollipop, clearly for the kids, or the last biscuit, or the last slice of cake, or even the last of the chocolate spread –and then putting it back on the shelf!)

I am a fairly content person and I feel like I'm constantly trying to up the mood in our house. The older kid says she doesn't want to be alone with him (as in without me) because he's so grumpy/moody. He definitely gets worse when he hasn't had enough sleep or is stressed with work. I work from home (journalist and I also sell paintings) and earn nearly the same as him, but I do 90% of the cleaning and the childcare. This is also a cause for much strife because I think he should do more of the cleaning/childcare.

At what point do you say enough is enough and actually I'm better off without this person in my life? Any thoughts/advice appreciated!

[MooPointCowsOpinion]

If he can't have a conversation with you about how unhappy you are with his attitude where he listens to you, if he doesn't show any concern about you telling him you're unhappy, if he won't try to change... It's over. That shows he doesn't care about your happiness, and he's not a partner anymore.

[GreensAreGoodForYou]

I feared that might be the answer. I have tried so many times to talk to him. Sometimes he gets annoyed and says I'm always criticising. Other times, I try to show him how sad it makes me, then he says it makes him sad too, that he loves me so much, everything he does for us etc. I see that in his own mind he does love us, it's just he doesn't understand/realise how hurtful he can be and how he brings the mood down. His parents were crap and so I'm sure that's part of it. I feel he has a good heart but is just really bad at seeing things from other people's point of view and recognising the effects his behaviour has. Uff, it's so hard.

[MoreBushThanMoss]

Examples of things that make my DP grumpy (not exhaustive):

• reality tv shows being on a channel he clicks on when he doesn't expect it
  
• waitrose being busy
  
• anywhere being busy
  
• getting lost/ walking without clear destination
  
• dinner being late
  
• being tired
  
• the washing machine program running longer than anticipated
  
• people with bigger dogs than ours, letting their dogs dominate our dog
  
• people with smaller dogs getting upset when our dog is too giddy for them
  
• people who don't like dogs
  
• the way I stack dishes
  
• throwing out old food
  

Etc etc. He's 20 years older than me, and like you i try to call him a tit and laugh it off- but some days it is WEARING .

It's getting better though. He's starting to laugh at himself and even calls cariacatures himself as "daddy stomp" to make our baby laugh.

Do you think lots of it is just ... Getting older? That's what I put it down to with dp. That and mild Aspergers (not that I've told him I think he's aspie ....)

Sympathies though- it's tough

[Fishcakey]

I wouldn't leave someone for being a miserable bastard. If you have totally gone off him then fine but most bloody men are miserable bastards. 85% of Mumsnet readers will tell you to leave someone for any question you ask on here!

[OohhThatsMe]

But if someone sucks the joy out of life, surely that's different, Fishcakey?

[MoreBushThanMoss]

fishcakey

Ha!!! Yes!!! More like 90%?!
I think it's because nobody on mumsnet drinks looks around with an arched eyebrow ... They just aren't numbing the pain of being in a ltr properly

[GreensAreGoodForYou]

I haven't totally gone off him and he doesn't completely suck the joy out of life - but I think that's partly because I am pretty good at putting a happy spin on things. I've learned to be grumped at, but then to look outside at the trees/clouds or the kids playing, and feel lucky about one of those other aspects of my life. As MoreBushThanMoss says, it is wearing but sometimes I think I'm making progress, other days it feels like it's a lost cause - especially if he's set to get WORSE as he gets older!! What a terrible thought...

[MoreBushThanMoss]

greens

In my case, DP is getting better. Our relationship is relatively new (had DS v quickly) - and he's learning to let go. His ExW let him grump. I refuse to be beaten!!! So it's a regime of piss taking, ignoring the really ridiculous grumps and patient explanations - I hope one day to go to waitrose on a Saturday and NOT have a blazing row

[GreensAreGoodForYou]

HughLauriesStubble, you're spot on. Next week we are going away for a couple of nights (with the kids, but still, it should be relaxing) and I will try talking to him, I think. Maybe he'll be more open to listening if we're not at home. And I will try to help him see how his behaviour/mood has a knock-on effect. If he dismisses it (he has accused me of putting words in their mouths before, other times, he has responded sadly and made an effort), I can at least feel like I've tried.

Thanks, all!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your DH acts like this because it works for him and he also saw poor parental examples. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. I would think that either one or both his parents are moody souls.

Its hard enough to even change one aspect of their own behaviour; trying to manage someone else to change theirs is really an exercise in futility. You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in any relationship.

What do you yourself get out of this relationship, what needs of yours does he meet?. Yes, your needs, have you ever considered those in this relationship?.

Re your comment:-
"I haven't totally gone off him and he doesn't completely suck the joy out of life - but I think that's partly because I am pretty good at putting a happy spin on things. I've learned to be grumped at"

These last two points i.e. you putting a happy spin on things along with now having learnt to be grumped at are really quite sad. This is not how things should be.

You are not responsible for your man's mood. That is all his responsibility and his alone.

You have children; would you want them to have a relationship like this with their partner?. Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships, that the woman's role here is to keep her man happy at all costs and chivvy him along to her overall detriment?.

Its not your job and it has never been your job to do that. He is responsible for his own self and actions. It is not your fault he is like this, you did not make him that way.

[Arcadia]

I have a bit of a moody DP but now I directly challenge him and it seems to work although unfortunately my Dd aged 7 seems to be copying him and gets grumpy easily too!

[GreensAreGoodForYou]

"You have children; would you want them to have a relationship like this with their partner?. Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships, that the woman's role here is to keep her man happy at all costs and chivvy him along to her overall detriment?"

No, no, and no. I don't keep him happy at all costs, though (only myself!) - the kids see me standing up for myself as well as pointing out when he's being unreasonable, they also see me give him a hug and ask him what's wrong, so they see me trying to help and they also see me saying enough is enough... but it's mainly talk, as the 'enough is enough' stuff doesn't really lead anywhere. I totally agree with what you've said and may even scribble it down on a piece of paper to remind myself when I get to talking to him.

[Joysmum]

Have you told him what your daughter thinks and warned him that it's affecting how you feel about him to the extent that he's in danger of permanently damaging his relationship with you and her?

I say this as I had to have the same conversation with my DH when he wasn't recovering after losing his dad.

Just to warn you, if you do have this conversation you need to temper it a lot with 'I love you so much but' and have a few plans of action to suggest on how to do things differently so it doesn't just look like you're sticking the boot in.

[GreensAreGoodForYou]

Joysmum, I've tried. He seems to believe me but I think he also thinks that it's my influence that my daughter feels like that - she sees me asking him not to be grumpy or so angry in the way he talks (he doesn't shout, but he raises his voice and does it with a very angry look on his face and in his tone) and then decides that she feels the same. So even though she has even told him he's grumpy, I think he still puts it to one side as being from me, not necessarily her. One time I also told him that if he didn't believe that he came across as bad-tempered/grumpy, he could ask others who've been around us. He was shocked at that because I think he suddenly realised that it wasn't just me who could see this behaviour. But long-term it's made no difference.

I think I need to have a long talk with him and possibly suggest couples therapy. Maybe even the suggestion of couples therapy will help him realise how serious this is. Thanks!

[Boolahoop]

Hi there Greens, I'm in avery similar boat and I'm worn ot from it. Considering leaving him. How did it work out for you in the end?

[hobbyhobby]

I think you need to write down what you’re getting out of this relationship. Do you really want to live with a grump? What does he do to improve your day? The mattress thing was very immature and a bit nasty really. He’s treating you like crap.

[PinkMonkeyBird]

My ex was a grumpy arsehole, but that wasn't the main reason why we split. It was like dealing with a man-child, I would call him Victor Meldrew. Holidays were painful and it made me anxious all the time. Whenever I would try to talk fairly to him about it, he became defensive and it was just a viscous circle. Anyway, he went and traded me in for a younger OW so I hope she's learning to deal with him now (she did me a favour!). Not my problem anymore!

Being grumpy about external factors is fair enough, but when they start being stroppy about things you have done on a constant basis, it gets wearing and borderline abusive. I don't mind people having the odd grump, my DP gets a grump about external stuff, but never AT me. There's a difference!

[LilyLongJohn]

I had one of these and it just sucked the life out of every day. I'm a very 'glass half full' kind of person but I remember we went out on my birthday and I didn't bother making an effort to cheer the day along and it was like purgatory.

My mates used to call him a 'fun sponge'. He even had a hobby that was v expensive and he said he enjoyed, we'd sometimes go to watch him and you'd think someone had made him go, had a face like a slapped arse all weekend. I couldn't believe we spent so much money and spent family money on something for him to do that didn't seem to give him any joy.

It was a very large reason towards me leaving him. He's better with the kids now, but he'll still stand and moan at me sometimes at drop off about something ridiculous

[Flogie]

Struck a chord, please let us know what resolution you came to? X

[GreensAreGoodForYou]

@Flogie @Boolahoop

Oooh 6 years ago! And here I am now, smack back in the middle of a divorce.

It didn't get better, and I tried EVERYTHING. I tried love-bombing, I tried standing up for myself (and the kids), I tried being sad, devastated, I tried explaining that I was unhappy in so many ways, I even dragged him to marriage therapy. In fact, it was the therapy that made me realise there was no hope. It was crystal clear after that that he just lives for himself and him alone (narcissist). During the therapy, I said how if he could just do little things to help around the house I would feel more appreciated and loved too, and that I thought it would help. I suggested, with the advice of the therapist, that he make the bed each morning. We have a duvet and pillows, that's it. So he literally would have to shake out the duvet! He agreed. HE DID NOT DO IT ONCE. Not even once. That was my sign.

I told him I wanted us to separate in 2019. He told me I'd wreck the family. He didn't tell me he loved me, that we could make it work, that he wanted to make it work, just that by leaving I'd wreck the family. Which made it easier to leave him, obviously.

Since then we've shared care of the kids, but more recently they've both decided to stay with me full-time because they can't handle his morose often aggressively annoyed moods. I've started therapy and my therapist, along with every single person I've told about his past (and current) behaviour has said it's emotional abuse. Even recognisable under law! So I've had to do a lot of owning up to stuff, admitting that I didn't really want to admit to myself that he's made me unhappy, that his behaviour is abusive etc, let alone admit that to others. Shame, I guess. Embarrassed that I picked him? Stayed with him? Put up with so much? Dunno, working on it!

Hope that's helpful to someone! I actually think being a generally content half glass full person was detrimental in this case... because it meant I stuck it out far longer than any person should do. Hugs to you all!

[GreensAreGoodForYou]

*Smack bang

[EarthSight]

I'm glad to hear that you're free of that now.

Grumpyness is often just low-level aggression, anger issues and disrespect. Some of your post chimed with me, and like you I left him. I didn't want to live the rest of my life living with a grey cloud, a man who had to make an effort to treat me respectfully.

[QueefQueen80s]

Just because many men are grumpy bastards.. doesn't mean you have to live with it
Life is so much happier without dealing with someone elses moods.

[QueefQueen80s]

Ooh good update OP!