Can't stand my husband after having a baby.

[Kattyscatty]

Hi everyone,

Need some advice and thanks for reading. Been married to my husband about a year and a half. Everything happened very fast and now we have a beautiful daughter. However, since having my baby I have not felt the same. Everything my husband does irritates me and I feel like he controls me. He blames this feeling I have on post natal depression but I am starting to just think that we just aren't compatable and I feel like I just tolerate him because I would have nowhere to go if I left him. My family are all scattered all over the country. I am not cold hearted. If I left him I wouldn't want to go far because he is a good dad and loves our daughter so much it would break my heart to see him so upset. Basically, my husband isn't a terrible person but he just seriously gets on my nerves, he is a baby and I feel he is too emotionally dependant on me to make him happy. He is very dependant on his mum who does everything for him. He exaggerates all the time for attention and he has very low self esteem. He has an eating disorder he has gained 4 stone in a year since we have been married. And also has OCD. He never admits he has low self esteem but I can tell because I have had problems in the past now I feel I am happy within myself and I don't need him to make me happy but he is stuck depending on me constantly and it feels like such a burdon. I feel like I am constantly nasty to him and I feel terrible for it but I feel so trapped because he won't let me do certain things like go away with my mum with our daughter. In fact he won't let me go anywhere for more than one night away with my daughter. If I am on my own its fine but whenever I mention taking my daughter with me to stay with a friend or my mum he starts kicking off and crying. I try to reassure him that everything will be fine but I always end up giving in because it makes me upset when I see him so hurt. I feel like he controls me emotionally. I also get really embarrassed by him when he tells people all these stories and lies it is so obvious. I have mentioned this to him but he continues to do it. We went away camping this weekend and we ended up having to leave after one night because he couldn't cope and he was telling this guy that we met how he had to go home while he was there with his kids that were 5/6 years old. I felt ashamed that they were able to cope with the hardiness more than my husband. The thing is I know that this is just the person he is and I can't change him but I know that I am making him equally if not more unhappy than he is me. I care about him a great deal and I know he doesn't deserve to have someone who is ashamed of him and disrespects him. I listened to my husband and I took anti Ds for a while but my feelings have no changed towards him.
I don't know how to move forward. We have tried Relate but they let us down by counsellor not turning up and letting us down last minute with an appointment. So I decided that I didn't want to go anymore. I don't know if I made a mistake there but I felt so sad at the time and it just made me feel more upset and fustrated.

[mumndad37]

How did you feel before the baby/pregnancy? Many women find that they re-evaluate their husbands after the birth of a child. Children are soooo demanding, and we expect the fathers to step up and be solid adults, able to take care of their own needs and to help with the children. Some men just never do it. It sounds as if you are more his Mum than a partner in an equal relationship. If this rings true to you, he will have to want to change or it doesn't get better, in my experience. [tea]

[Kattyscatty]

Hi Thanks for your post. I felt really "in love" with him. I was aware of his flaws but I was blind to them then because I was in the "Honeymoon phase" everything moved very quickly in our relationship marriage/baby. It has only been since having the baby I have felt this way. Yes I sometimes do feel like a parent to him more so because of how dependant on me he is. I always encourage him to get out and make new friends but he would rather stay in watch tv and play games. :( I sometimes think he imagined me to be a certain type of woman and I imagined him to be a certain type of guy if you know what I mean? But in reality we aren't compatable. Just feel I would rather be on my own although I know it isn't a walk in the park either

[TBHhadEnough]

Don't let him stop you from doing what you want (within reason of course). It sounds like he is very needy and a new baby will intensify any problems that the relationship has. He has to sort himself out, which ever way he can and you need to not give in to him. Sounds to me though, that you're ready to end the relationship, which might be for the best from what you say.

[SandyY2K]

Why don't you leave the baby with him and go to see your mum. I'm sure you could do with the break anyway.

You can try another marriage counsellor. Don't give up just because Relate let you down once.

The real issue here, seems to be that you've changed. He's still the same except 4 stones heavier, which is a real health concern. He needs help with that.

I'm sure it makes his self confidence low and he probably feels insecure in your marriage. As you said, it all happened really quickly and probably before you truly knew each other that well.

[Kattyscatty]

Hi. Thanks for your responses. I find it hard to see my mum because she lives 500 miles away and she hardly sees my daughter because my husband is uncomfortable with me taking her anywhere without him. He also works full time so I haven't really got a choice as I have no one to look after her. I have wondered whether I made a mistake with Relate as it helped a little bit so would consider another counsellor as I am a believer in trying to do everything to make it work before calling it a day. But yes I really need some space from him

[RRR0bin2016]

Camping - why did you have to leave after one night ?

I would set a date in your head and if things have not changed for the better I would make plans to seperate

I would ask for some things to change, if they dont, then you know what to do

Looking after your baby and yourself is your priority

[MrsDustyBusty]

I think, from chatting to friends after my first, this is a thing. Lots of women experience it. Your baby must still be very young so for the moment, see whether you can focus on the baby and get through the next while accepting the support he can give you and see how you feel in a few months.

You don't have to make major decisions right now.

[MySqueeHasBeenSeverelyHarshed]

Your husband sounds so much like an ex of mine that I went and checked his facebook to see if he had gotten married without me hearing about it. He is an ex for very much the same reason your husband is getting on your nerves. I think in your case having a child, someone who is genuinely completely dependant on you, has made you look at a man who should really be able to stand on his own two feet differently. In my case, because I work with children, I have always been adamant that I leave 'minding' at work where it belongs and I am not in the business of being an adult carer.

I think in my ex's case, he had built so much of his identity around his various quirks and foibles and didn't want to consider them a problem to overcome, he felt like they made him special rather than pathetic. Outside of his phobias and resentments and his constant explanations about his mental state preventing him from doing anything, there wasn't much of a person there. I broke it off with him very quickly, and he still corners me from time to time to talk about how I ruined his life, the sad bastard.

There are two ways to deal with your issue; you can break it off with him and move on, but you'll have to have him in your life as the father of your child and put up with any guilt-tripping/whining about not being able to cope without you, and you will have to learn to shrug it off.

The other is to demand that he makes changes to his coping strategies through counselling, cognitive behaviour therapy and let you concentrate on raising your child. That's a long hard road and he may not be willing, which may drag you back to square one.