Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I need a hand hold- this will go one way or another(13 Posts)
I have posted before about getting out of a 12 year marriage to an emotionally and physically abusive man. We have three DCs.
I decided in August that enough was enough. He left the house and went to live in the flat above the coffee shop we ran. I have been adamant from the start that it's over, but until this past week he has tried anything and everything to get me to forgive me. For me, it's too little too late. I cannot continue in an unhappy marriage with a man I don't love.
I called the police out two weeks ago because he was being verbally abusive and threatening towards me. It has torn the kids apart but I had to do it to protect us because I couldn't put up with his bullying ways anymore. I told the police he had hit me in the past and they wanted me to press charges against him for an incident in June where he pinned me on the bed and hit me. At the time, I told them I couldn't because I felt it was my word against his and I didn't want to cause more hurt to the children
It has been constant games with him- telling me that he will do this and that (threats basically), then the next day turning into Mr.Nice Guy, saying that all he said was in anger.
He thought I had been cheating on him because I saved some random quotes to my phone (his Mac Book also has an account for me and of course my photo stream automatically updated). Said quotes were about wanting true love, jokes about the opposite sex etc which he took as me flirting with someone
Friends had been telling him to leave me alone and give me headspace, but last night when I collected the kids clothes from his house, it turned into a huge row, where he swore at the kids because they were crying. It's not the first time he's done it. He has raised his hands to them in the past and because I was a shit mum I didn't walk out on him there and then when I should have
I headed out today with the children and he had a parcel delivered here yesterday which I gave to the children to give him whilst I waited in the car. The next thing I know, he's in the car sitting next to me, telling me that he phoned 101 last night and he told them that I keep threatening to report him to the police for harassment. They've told him that they won't get involved unless I have an order against him. He is now refusing point blank to admit he has hit me in the past despite me needing a MRI scan two years ago. He told me I fell down the stairs
It erupted in a slanging match where I told him that not only has he finished me financially and emotionally, now he has finished me mentally. I turned and asked the kids if daddy had ever hit me. They know he has but won't admit it because they're scared of him. I asked DS if Daddy had ever hit him and he looked at his Dad, who then winked and DS replied 'no'. I asked DD the same and she said 'I don't know'. She later admitted it was because she was scared of him that she said that.
I have since had to block his number because I have him telling me 'I need treatment'. I asked him three times which days he wanted to see the children this week, but rather than answer I got a barrage of abuse calling me a crazy woman, again denying he ever hit me, and telling me to go to my fancy man.
I have no surviving family. I am raising these children with no other help. His family are in Turkey. Me and him are all the kids have. My head is up in my arse. I need a solicitor but don't have a penny to my name. He is a vile excuse for a human being. I do not want to mentally scar my children anymore, but he is letting me believe I don't have a leg to stand on. What the hell do I do? I need to be strong. My children need me, but he is already turning DS against me by bad mouthing me to him. DS blames me for all that has happened, yet when we're alone, cries because he remembers how bad his dad hit him
I have come this far in leaving the marriage but I don't know if I have the strength or courage to fight anymore
Call Women's Aid love - they will help you. Block him in every way you can and report his texts to the police. He is doing a number on you to stop you reporting him. And I would keep him away from the DC too tbh.
DS is with him at the moment because they had already had plans for a bit of Dad/son time which I didn't want to cancel because not only so I want them to be able to see us both, but I needed a bit of head space to be honest.
First thing Monday morning I will be contacting a solicitor (something I should have done from the start).
A friend said that 101 wouldn't have told him anything along those lines about me not being taken seriously. He showed me a screen shot of a call to 101 but wouldn't show me the screen showing the duration of the call Friend said he is calling my bluff.
I am sure he is lying about 101. Will you call Women's Aid?
Please don't ask your kids to be witnesses for you in front of their father. It's not fair to put them in the middle. That's really damaging.
I'm 99.9% sure he is lying about 101 OP. They are surely not able to give that kind of information out over the phone
I regret asking the kids what I did. I shouldn't have put them in the middle and I feel awful for doing so. I am just so sick of being manipulated by him- blatantly lying about hitting me, telling me I fell down the stairs he makes me question myself at times and I hate him for it.
I will be giving Women's Aid a call, but I imagine they have more important cases than mine.
I am starting to see through his lies and don't believe him about 101. Just the constant mind games are completely draining every inch of life from me
i remember you fivetosix. Mind-games are utterly draining and exhausting. Despite this I think you have to summon up some goddess energy and start to make a stand to end this. Your H is the one who drains money away, channeling it into inaccessible places, right? Please get advice from WA and any solicitor you can afford or make a payment plan with. I think you know this is the end of you and I totally understand that you feel you've got nothing left to fight with. Yet still your survival instinct is trying to drive you on and out of this utter hell.
Your case is not less important than others at all. You're equally deserving of a fulfilled happy and free life as anyone else. Believe it. The fight never comes at a "good time" - no-one is ever really ready for the fight but here it is. Find your courage to get out of this. What else is there to do given how awful this situation is. Only change will change it and you are the one to do it for yourself and dc.
Yes tipsytrifle- that's me! Thank you for remembering
I need (hopefully) a good nights sleep, and then to put into action some steps regarding legal advice, WA etc.
I think the kids are more mentally worn down than I am. They need a strong mum in their lives at the moment, and I just hope that they see I am doing my best. There has been changes in their behaviour lately- more aggression, bickering etc and I know that is a reflection of what they have seen. Despite sometimes being unable to string a sentence together because I am that drained, I just need to keep reminding myself that I am doing this alone and am only human
OP cases like yours are the reason Women's Aid/Refuge exist. Call them, they will help. And maybe see your GP too. Start getting things logged and recorded with different agencies/authorities. It could help you further down the line. Agree with PP, not sure your children should have unsupervised time with him at the moment. Good luck 💐
I'm willing you on fivetosix, I really am. You'll find when you access some RL help that some energy expended in the first few steps will generate new energy, possibly in the form of pure hope that becomes determination. You need to give yourself a glimpse of light and someone in WA and the legal system will be the source. Then you won't feel quite so alone. Plus you have us in all our vociferous glory to support you online. You can do this, you really can. Sleep as well as you can and dream of the light you're reaching for
I'm trying to say that the energy you need for this battle will come from reaching beyond the situation, not from inside it. Love and Light be yours.
I remember your previous thread. You need some support my love, please call WA in the morning. And I don't believe for one minute that he called 101.
You ARE able for this and you CAN do it, for you and the DCs. But you need some help from WA or similar.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.