Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't know what to do

(23 Posts)
fuckedupbigtime Wed 16-Nov-16 21:35:28

Have name changed for this... I never thought I would be writing this.

So having been suspicious for a while I finally got hold of my husbands phone tonight. He has become very secretive over it lately and always seems to be on it.

Although there is no evidence of any actual meetings taking place. There is plenty of flirtation and messages that are not appropriate.

The worst thing is one is an old girlfriend who does initiate the messages every time. The other is more difficult as its a mutual married friend.

I don 't know where to start. I feel maybe we should try marriage counselling, but I don 't know if I am more upset over the kids and the whole idea of divorce than I am over losing him.

Is going to relate the best thing to do?

HandyWoman Wed 16-Nov-16 21:42:38

How many women is he talking to? How is your relationship otherwise? This is a shock, even though you've had suspicions.

I would bide my time and process things. Work out what you want.

fuckedupbigtime Wed 16-Nov-16 21:43:54

just the two from what i can see.

If i am honest it is probably not great...everything is all about the kids. We have no family around at all so haven't had any time to ourselves in years.

SandyY2K Wed 16-Nov-16 22:10:39

A mutual married friend as well? That's awful.

Do you want to save the marriage and improve things?

Do you still love him?

Can you take photos of the messages for evidence?

I'd try and talk to him about the state of the marriage and suggest some marriage counselling, if you want the relationship back on track and not just for the kid's sake.

Would you consider telling the husband of your married friend? He can also keep an eye out and possibly get more evidence if you need it.

fuckedupbigtime Wed 16-Nov-16 22:19:45

i have screen shot all the messages and sent them to myself from his phone, which he knows about.

At first he was saying that he hadn't done anything wrong (as he has done nothing physical apparently) but i asked him how he would feel if the tables were turned and he admitted it was wrong.

i'm not sure about telling her husband yet, if our marriage is saveable it would be easier not to go down that route i feel. If it isn't then absofuckinglutely i will.

love him, yes
- in love, i don't know anymore. We've been together 17 years.

i am just so fucking angry,

ShinyBadger Wed 16-Nov-16 22:37:48

Sorry to hear this, it's hard as there are always so many mixed emotions to deal with. Take a few days to let the emotions calm down and think about what you want in the long term.
It's not very nice to think your OH is texting other women.

I recently also found messages from my DP best mates Mrs .... All very flirty and not appropriate at all. It hurts to think they can spend hours texting each other and DP can't even be bothered to reply to ourselves.

I haven't said anything yet as don't know what to say.... That's why I can't be much help to you...

I would watch and wait see if it continues or if it was a moment when he may of been feeling Lonely and just wanted to feel like he still "had it" - but whatever you do - do what you want to do for you and your children. Hope you can sort it all out.

ShinyBadger Wed 16-Nov-16 22:39:30

Sorry I didnt see your reply before my post!

fuckedupbigtime Wed 16-Nov-16 22:50:25

shiny - i'm sorry to hear that you may be in a similar situation too.

I don't know where to sleep tonight. I really don't want to share a bed with him, we are currently sat in different rooms, but i don't want the children to think something is wrong.

fuckedupbigtime Wed 16-Nov-16 22:52:10

i'm also regretting my descion to be a sahm

SandyY2K Wed 16-Nov-16 22:53:09

So having admitted it's wrong, what does he want to do now? Not just forget about it I hope.

I think reversing the situation is always good. I did that once and told my DH if he saw nothing wrong with his behaviour, I'd go and do the same. I meant it too and he knew I'd follow through.

I understand the anger. It turns to disbelief and sadness and the cycle repeats.

herwegoagain123 Wed 16-Nov-16 22:54:01

I would be sooooo angry it was a mutal friend. Has he completely lost his marbles. FFS

fuckedupbigtime Wed 16-Nov-16 22:58:40

i don't know what he wants, not to split up apparently.

He seems quite calm though, he did agree to marriage counselling but i'm guessing that's not free. i will look into relate tomorrow.

He is so crap at talking though (always has been) he just kept saying "what do you want me to say?"

I never imagined us getting divorced, but what sort of mug stays with a twat that would do this?

fuckedupbigtime Wed 16-Nov-16 22:59:21

sorry for my language just venting on here

herwegoagain123 Wed 16-Nov-16 22:59:22

Similar happened to me and my whole group of friends was destroyed as I refused to go anywhere near her again. Not forgetting its his fault of course.
I'm bloody angry for you.
What are you going to do?
He has to fix this not you.

fuckedupbigtime Wed 16-Nov-16 23:01:10

i don't know.

what do i do?

i will phone about counselling tomorrow, but i'm guessing that its not immeadiate? and we would need to find (and pay for!) a babysitter too.

how can he fix it?

SandyY2K Thu 17-Nov-16 00:52:19

He's calm because he doesn't think it's a big deal or that you'll leave him over it.

The question I would ask him when he says what can I say or what can I do, is "If I was exchanging such messages with an OM and Susan's husband, what could I say or do to make amends?

Would you still want this marriage? Would you be be able to forgive me?

Because one of the things that gets me, is when a cheater has said, if it was their spouse who cheated, they'd be gone.

The other thing is that if he can't say why he did this, then how can you know it won't happen again?

You need complete transparency.
No more hiding his phone or secrecy.

You need to give him conditions to remain in the marriage.

I'd also be talking to that so called friend about it and telling her if she knows what's good for her, she had better stay out of your marriage. It would do her good to know that you know.

I'll PM you regarding MC.

garlicandsapphire Thu 17-Nov-16 06:00:51

So sorry OP. Thats awful. Are you sure thats all it is and there's been nothing else? Hopefully, if you believe him and thats the case, it has been nipped in the bud before he has gone too far... But make sure you are really satisfied you have got the whole truth. He sound complacent at best, in denial too, which isn'r a good sign.

I would definitely go to counselling - he can pay - and make sure that when you are there you ask for full disclosure of everything and what efforts he is planning to take to re-build trust, communicate better and demonstrate his love for you. He will also need to think about what kind of future he wants for your relationship - how will an open, caring and trusting relationship work? He needs to know that there is a risk that you cant forgive him and the marriage could break down - so that he understands the seriousness of the hurt and pain caused and works hard to repair it.

In the process though of going to counselling don't see it as the means to repair the marriage. See it as the means to see what you want, and whether the relationship is worth saving. Put yourself first and measure whether its worth it by how he responds and how hard he works at counselling. You have a choice.

I'm wondering though how you deal with the so called friend. Maybe, get him to send an email - copied in to you telling her you know about the messaging, are deeply hurt and feel betrayed and expect a sincere apology. and get him to say that he knows now that it was wrong of them both to do it and that they must not have any further private contact.

I hope you didnt try and sleep next to him in bed. Big hugs. Get some RL support too.

ShinyBadger Thu 17-Nov-16 12:47:52

Hope you are ok this morning, how are you feeling? It's hard to know what to do isn't it.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 17-Nov-16 13:27:56

Has he explained why he did it?
I know it's only natural as you want to try but why are you researching counselling?
That should be something he wants to do to help to rebuild the relationship as it's him that has done wrong here. Not you.
This is hard because although he's been a monumental twat, so far nothing physical has happened.
It's hard to shout 'cheat' when it's not so black and white.
If you want to try to save your marriage it does NOT make you a twat.
It makes you human.
Get him to take responsibility for the counselling sessions and then take it from there.
1 day at a time.

fuckedupbigtime Thu 17-Nov-16 13:42:07

Everything seems much worse today, I got very little sleep.

He has explained his reasons but they are not acceptable I didn't do it.

But it has made me realise just how unhappy I am, and maybe we both have been.

TheNaze73 Thu 17-Nov-16 15:24:11

It sounds like this is the volcano that has been simmering gentle below the surface.
Bottom line is, he's unhappy as he wouldn't be doing that if he was content in the relationship, you're unhappy as he's been emotionally cheating & this will take a lot of dialogue & some potentially hurtful discussion to bottom it out.
Hope it can be resolved & good luck

hellsbellsmelons Thu 17-Nov-16 15:35:55

Sleep deprivation does not help in this situation but it's inevitable.
So you need to manage it.
Are you eating?
Drinking lots of fluids?
If your sugar levels drop then it will really will impact your mood.

AnyFucker Thu 17-Nov-16 18:21:54

Why isn't he the one investigating counselling ?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now