I have realised this and have begun dealing with it. I have stepped outside the role that was assigned to me and shook everyone to the core. My DH is delighted that I have finally opened my eyes (he is in the process of dealing with his own issues about his parents).
I have had no contact with my mother for a couple of months and the flying monkeys were used but didn't work thanks to many hours reading MN. Thank you all. You help so many people who never even post.
My family are toxic except DB and he and I get on great. He is the golden child now as the rest of the family are NC with our mother.
My sister (2) was the original golden child but there was an argument with our mother years back. So that started the rift in the family, sister was angry with those who wouldn't take sides etc. Half the family speak to one side, half the family speak to the other and I speak to my DB and only him as I realise the rest are toxic.
DB ended in golden child status by default. There was a pecking order and we all knew our place. I was second last and DSis (1) was last. DSis (1) died a year ago by suicide which of course has caused the whole family devastating pain and made me realise how toxic the family is. Even our grief couldn't unite us. Everyone knew DSis had mental health problems so she was not the scapegoat. I wouldn't toe the line and do what I was told by a sister who was 3 years older than me so I was the bad one. The rest of them idolised her and I could see through her and so we never got on. Now I know the our mother put sister (2) into this position as she didn't want to parent us.
Our father sexually abused me at 13. He beat us regularly, he was a nasty horrible bully. He died this year but none of us had seen him for years. Our mother is so proud that she can say he never hit her but she let him beat the shit out of us to save herself. We were poor or so I thought, we never had nice things, were force fed food we didn't like as that's all we could afford but our mother had approximately 40 pairs of shoes at any given time and went to bingo 3 nights a week and my father was in the pub the same amount if not more.
I remember being in town with her and not being allowed a treat but her buying yet another pair of shoes and being told to not tell your father. But the next day I was force fed porridge until I threw up because there was nothing else.
I don't even know why I am writing this, I think I just want a record for myself that I can read over and add to.
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Relationships
I am the scapegoat
mawi · 14/11/2016 11:30
I am a decent person with a big heart full of love that my wonderful family and friends can see and appreciate me for who I am. I refuse to be the bad guy anymore. I have learnt that no matter what I do or say it will never be enough as my mother got what she needed from me by being mean and making me work for her love. I am better than that. I deserve love just for being me, I am loved just for being me and I would not put up with this from my DH so I will not put up with it from her because she gave birth to me
^^
This. You believe in yourself and that's half the battle won. That. whole. paragraph. Inspirational 
Understandable, but seriously, write yourself a letter if you have to to remind yourself of your committee that to go.
I'm so glad I stuck things out and had that warning. You can do this, it's worth it to ultimately feel better
I have being exhausted all afternoon. Feel deflated
That's common and in many ways a good sign, because what counselling does is drag the messy painful stuff up and help you PROPERLY deal with it, not just cover it up.
Stick with it, but make sure you do something nice and loving for yourself after each session - long bath, peaceful walk, coffee with a friend, whatever nurtures you.
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