When reality kicks in and I've lost my shit

[user1471514508]

Sorry for any bad grammar, I'm not native English speaker and I am really a mess.

So last Sunday my granny was taken to the hospital. I visited her on saturday and even when she didn't feel well she gave me some instructions what to bring her from my upcoming trip and wished me a nice trip. Saw her on Sunday as well when I was picking my mother up from hers.

Later that day my cousin informed me that she was taken to the hospital via ambulance. She visited her on Monday and I called her doctor on Tuesday. The hospital was 1,5 hours drive but me and my aunt visited her on Tuesday evening, I left work early. I did not expected her to be in such a bad condition, I managed first 10 minutes before I started to cry and was like that for the next 1.5 hours. Barely managed to make it back to home. Called my mom to return to my home country asap as she works away.

Next visit was on Thursday and I said goodbye to her since my family said I should go to the holiday since there wasn't anything I could do, all we got left was to wait. Honestly it was hard but I realised it was easier if she passed away fast so she wouldn't suffer anymore. Now we know she had a brain seizure on Tuesday and that's why she went such a bad condition in so little time. Also weak heart, cancer spreaded to liver and lungs (2 months earlier the doctor said that chemo was successful and she was free of any cancer cells).

So as you can imagine everything that has happened past week has been a shock. I wasn't able to do anything, trying to wrap things up at work and just try to survive this week, no time to do itinerary search or anything since time was an essent and didn't even knew if I was going to the holiday.

Today at 7 AM my cousin called and said she has passed away. Me and my DP (been together almost 10 years) decided to go to the trip because me and my family had decided that the funreal would be held on next Sunday. We would be back night before, so it's basically going there straight away.

After 6 hours flight we are on the other side of the continent. He has been snappy all day because it took me more time to pack than I expected (still on time, had even some to spare), he hates flying and places packed with people. He had no interest how I'm coping (hadn't cried yet) and by the end of the night fall asleep on our rental apartment's couch.

So when I managed to lock myself into the bathroom and realised that I might spend all night there because he's a hard sleeper and even if I can get out he still won't get up to sleep in the bed and I'm here all alone and my granny has died and she will be in a cold room for 4 extra days because I went to the holiday, I just lost my shit and haven't stopped crying since.

It took me back to the time when he was having an affair (2.5 years ago) and all the shit that's been going on since. We're not in a good place and I do know we have no future together but his absence hit me in time when I need him the most and I know that he's just pissed off because we haven't had sex for 1.5 weeks and he's frustrated. I know that the break off is inevitable some day but I can't lose my whole world at once..

[soulrebel]

Poor you, can you get a earlier flight home and be with your family?

[Desmondo2016]

Oh you poor thing (i hope you're out the bathroom) Grief and emotions are raw for you at the moment but I think you can take some strength that you have seen a direction in which you need to travel, i.e. separating from him. You may feel that coming back home and being with your family is the right thing to do, in which case do it. He's been a twat when you needed him the most, you owe him nothing. Alternatively trudge through the holiday getting enjoyment where you can, return home and go to the funeral and then in the days that follow you can focus on your future to give you strength and get your ducks in a row to leave him.

[user1468987371]

Feel bad for you. Hope you get your happy back. The good days will back.

[user1471514508]

Thank you for your replies.

Well, the ducks are in the row since we live in the rental place (on my name), no mortgage or kids and never will either since I don't think we would make a team in pareting.

I don't think it would be any better if I return to home. Me and my family will watch each others backs if there is a need but we aren't really close. Granny was the one that kept us together. I am a realist and know she had a long and good life and she's now free of any pain, so she's in a better place now. I manage to be like that for the most of the day but I'm only a person (or maybe had one glass of wine too much, who knows).

I do know the time will come when we split up but it's really hard when you have so much history together. We are childhood sweethearts and have been on and off since I was 14 years old. The relationship isn't bad, we rarely have an argument and we don't call names or raise our voice. It's the lack of support on my side (and sex for he's side if I will be honest) that makes it hard. I once decided that I can be in this relationship until there are more bad things than good ones, but I'm afraid that time will come sooner than I though.

[SexNamesRFab]

I'm sorry about your granny. If I've got my maths right you're only 24/25? At that age you shouldn't be stuck with an arse of a man who doesn't support you or cheats on you. Ditch him. You have your whole life ahead if you to make memories with someone who will have your back.