Will I be alone forever?

[GrandDesespoir]

I feel like my emotional life is a mess, and am losing hope of ever finding a relationship that works. All my friends are partnered up, and, while I sometimes enjoy my own company, I spend a lot of time on my own, feeling lonely.

I have tried internet dating (every site you can think of), speed dating, singles events, meet-up groups, taking up new hobbies, asking friends for introductions, evening classes of all types, residential courses, doing a post-grad degree, changing job, consciously not looking... Nothing has worked.

I've had some really bad experiences with men over the last decade or so - no relationship has lasted longer than about three months, and have been subject to lying, cheating, commitment phobia, emotional abuse and low-level sexual assault.

I take reasonable care of myself, am in good shape, can hold an intelligent conversation, have a wide enough range of interests, and, while I'm fairly introverted, I'm not socially phobic.

I have had two affairs within the last year. I didn't go looking for either or them, I don't want to be an OW, and I feel bad about it, but I did not have the strength to resist when I was craving affection, physical closeness, and sex. If that makes me a terrible person so be it - my self-esteem is pretty much rock-bottom anyway.

I have a few issues around sex and relationships, but have had long-term therapy to try to deal with them. It doesn't seem to have made any difference.

For context, I'm in my 40s and have no children, not through choice. Other areas of my life are in order. It feels like this is it. Nothing is going to change in my life; I'm just going to get older, lonelier, and then die.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain from starting this thread. I don't really want to hear stories of people meeting their partner later in life as I don't believe that will happen to me. Perhaps either ways of dealing with the situation I find myself in, or something I could be doing that I haven't thought of.

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

what sort of men attract you, OP? Sounds like the tend to be twats from your description of your flings and married men. With some women, it's all down to that - maybe you just blank potentially realistic choices?
How to change that - well, I hope someone wiser can respond.

[ravenmum]

I don't really want to hear stories of people meeting their partner later in life as I don't believe that will happen to me.

In that case it isn't worth it suggesting anything new, right? So we can just commiserate.

How to deal with the situation? Do something worthwhile with your life? Help the refugees, perhaps? Meet some people who don't have the chance to get older before they die?

[Newtoday]

I used to feel the same! A subscription based OLD site (not a free one) makes a big difference.

And this helped sort out my feelings and blockages: www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B000XUBE52/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?ie=UTF8&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[donajimena]

You 'tried' internet dating? Past tense?
I have never understood this mentality. I guess if you don't like the whole set up then it might be difficult to continue but if you gave up because it didn't work then that's a bit silly. Because there isn't a finite amount of people on there! People leave and join sites all the time.
I'd offer ideas but you don't seem to want any and I won't commiserate with you because you have written yourself off.
I know my post may come across as unkind but its not meant that way

[jeaux90]

Hey OP. I'm 45 single parent. The last 6 years single. I understand a lot of what you wrote about your situation. I spent a lot of time feeling lonely but I persevered with the OLD another poster said about a paid site and I agree it does make a bit of a difference. (Pof and match are a bit of a meet market but there is a lot of people on them) I met a couple of good people who are now friends because I did put down that I was interested in local friendships too. (I had just moved to new area) I joined a health club and started just dropping into a local pub for a pint and generally trying to meet new people. Volunteering is a good idea. Do you socialise at work much?

Please don't feel hopeless. It sounds like you are a strong independant person, you can decide to give in or crack on!! Big hug xxx

[jeaux90]

Just putting this out there as it's something I am considering as my dd gets older. If you really feel like you missed out on having a child and it's something you wanted would you consider going it alone? Fostering or adoption or donor? Being a single parent is pretty awesome if I'm honest, hard at times yes but I love it xxx

[GrandDesespoir]

Thank you for all the responses.

PGtips - yes, clearly I am attracted to twats! However they tend to be quite intelligent twats who hide their twatishness at the beginning. And yes, I probably dismiss better options. This was something the therapy was meant to help with...

donajimena - I gave up, because I have been on dozens upon dozens of dates through OLD (including several paid sites) and have generally met - well, twats, frankly. Guys who were just after a ONS, or who would ghost me or stand me up, who weren't looking for a relationship or simply where there was no chemistry. Believe me, I gave it a jolly good shot over the course of more than a decade and I just can't do it any more. It's soul-destroying.

jeaux - I have thought about it, but I don't want to adopt on my own. A sperm donor wouldn't help as I can't have my own biological children. I do socialise at work, but there are far more women than men in the field I work in, and the few I have been interested in over the years haven't reciprocated.

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

Try a dating coach? I know it's a bit unappealing but in the US ot's popular. Thya can see what's wrong with your approach maybe even manner - or choices and cab give you honest advice unlike men or even diplomatic friends. t does sound like you are doing something wrong - not meant unkindly but if you meet a lot of men and none click with you or rspect you, you need pointers, impossible on here without seeing or hearing what you are doing. If you dismiss nice men, why not experiment and date them even of not your type?

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

if not your type

[Overthinker2016]

I think you need to stop thinking of being single = being alone.

Concentrate on having a rich, fulfilled, full life even if you don't have a partner. Fill your life with friends and family. If your friends are coupled up and not interested in doing stuff try to make some new friends.

I think you sound ground down by dating. It's ok to take a break.