How to get over it

[KingFluff1981]

Hello ladies, I will try to keep this short, I wanted advice from others that have been in my situation and how they coped and dealt with the betrayal. I was with my OH since we were 16 ( now 35 ) I have moved out As I found he was texting other "women" behind my back, people he met in work, from uni, from going out drinking with mates, anywhere he was basically I think he found a new phone buddy. He didn't do this for attention or an ego boost as he has absolutely no reason to, we were good together, same sense humour, liked and disliked same things and a good sex life, he never had a reason to feel "unwanted or neglected" I can't get my head around the fact that now every memory I have is tainted because he was at this bullshit behind my back, I can't believe he wud be this pathetic and needy, and to choose to do this knowing he wud lose his family. I was loyal to him throughout, but he was getting his kicks on the side, I have no proof any thing physical happened, but the want was there. And now I feel I wasted 19 fucking Years of my life and now have to start over.
How do you start to come to terms with the lies and bullshit that was your life for so long?

[faffalotty]

Sorry to hear you've had this happen to you - it is shit. How long is it since you found out?

I don't think trying to understand why he did it is worth the effort - that is his problem. it will take time but just keep looking forward and keep going.

You're still very young, so just see this as the start of a new chapter of your life.

[KingFluff1981]

Thanks lotty,
Well it happened the first time a few years ago, I listened to him cry and beg not to go etc so stayed and thought we worked it out, then I found out again just before Christmas 2014 ( my daddy died suddenly Christmas morning 2014 ) so his bullshit was put on the back burner, so for the past year I was living in the same house hating him until I gathered up the strength to say " fuck it, life too short " and found somewhere to live, it's just hard knowing it was all lies, when you give your all and your repaid with nothing.

[talesofthevillage]

I know exactly what you are going through. I feel like my relationship was all smoke and mirrors and that is hard to get your head around. But someone told me it doesn't matter how your relationship ends, it shouldn't diminish the good times you had, which helped a bit.
I know

I think a lot of it is to do with ego. Certainly the word entitlement is used a lot, with explaining their motive. Plus the adrenalin they get from doing it. Read the Chump lady website, you may find it helpful.

[faffalotty]

Yep I know what you mean. Unfortunately dwelling on the past and ruminating is too easy to do (I do it, but it's getting less) and serves no useful purpose.

Sounds like you are struggling to move on? Do you have hobbies, work, children?

[KingFluff1981]

Thanks,

I will check that out
It seems to be so common now, everybody at it. Something I will never understand

[KingFluff1981]

Yeah we have a 17 year old, she keeps me busy and I work full time and just got back into the gym, I think it's my pride aswell and the fact there was no respect from him.

But I'm one of these ones that analyse everything and try to understand the "why"

[Mishaps]

Have you asked him why? It is hard to get your head round. I hope you are able to move on and create the life you really deserve. No good thinking about the 19 years - tempting I know but where does it get you? Turn your fafe to the future. Good luck.

[noego]

Start dating again. Nothing serious. Lunches, dinners, movies, coffee's etc.

[talesofthevillage]

I asked my ex why...he denied everything. I think he actually believes his own lies. The OW told me things though. (The OW I know about, there may be more.)

Hobbies are good to fill your time although I struggled with concentration for a long while. Don't rush into dating, give yourself time to heal.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Sometimes the only reason why is "because they can".

[KingFluff1981]

Thanks everyone, all so wise and worldly, I appreciate all replies, and talesofthevilage, same thing he denied a lot even after knowing I had seen the texts and pics etc..
It's just cowardly of them, I tried texting some of the OW but no luck, obv protecting him.
It's just hard having no solid answers

[talesofthevillage]

Having no solid truth is torturous. It makes you doubt yourself. In the end I had to go with ' What would any reasonable person believe with this evidence?' Time and no contact help with getting clarity.

I know how awful it is but we will recover. They are the ones who lied and cheated for kicks, they have to live with that.

[WorriedWife2016]

I have no answers, I asked why and he says he doesn't know 😩
20 yrs married 25 together I have to say I am struggling myself and have come here for advise
It's shite isn't it.
I am not a lot of help but I do know where you are coming from

[faffalotty]

They're selfish with no conscience. You'd probably have to be like that to fully understand.

I've had the denial in the face of irrefutable evidence. It's ridiculous. Reminds me of the Shaggy song, It Wasn't Me.