Meeting men...

[LIttleTripToHeaven]

I know that these threads crop up now and again and I know I'm not going to hear anything new, I think I'm just looking for some positive vibes really!

I've been single for 4 years. I've tried online dating but it's not for me and, although I keep an occasional eye out on sites I have old, hidden profiles on, but I don't really feel I'm missing out on anything there.

I work in a female dominated profession, but I work in different places locally, so I meet lots of people, some of them are men, but they are all much older than me, much younger than me, married or just not attractive to me.

I have hobbies that bring me into contact with men directly and indirectly. Again they are too old, too young, married or we are just not interested in each other in a romantic/sexual sense.

I don't have the time, capacity, finances to take on any more hobbies.

I go to small, local festivals etc on my own when I can.

I kind of hope I'll just get chatting to someone somewhere and there'll be a mutual interest, but it literally never happens.

Since I separated, I've had a couple of short relationships, but nothing more. I occasionally notice men 'looking' at me, but then I see that they're wearing a wedding ring, or they're not my 'type', so that's obviously a no-go, but I hope it means that I'm attractive enough to be 'noticed'.

I'm just not meeting any single men, tbh.

My ex is still with the OW and he is an overweight manchild with poor dental health and a terrible attitude towards finances who lives back at home with his parents. If he can find someone who loves him...

If you're over 40 and you met someone, how/where did you do it?

[LIttleTripToHeaven]

I'm not being cruel about exH, he is quite flattered to be called a manchild and hasn't been to the dentist in over 10 years... seriously.

[JoJoSM2]

Are you sure you're committed to meeting someone? Doesn't sound like you're that fussed... What's wrong with online dating? How old and how young is too old/young? Perhaps you're being very fussy because you aren't actually ready for a relationship?

[Myusernameismyusername]

I think maybe a new approach to online dating might help. There are currently a few threads on page 1 about it which might be of use? ?

[Flatbellyfella]

I think age is irrelevant , if you find a good person to connect with.

[LIttleTripToHeaven]

JoJo I suppose my position is that I would like to meet someone who is 'right' for me, but I'm happy to be single until that happens. I'd like to meet someone I 'click' with, but obviously that's not going to happen unless I actually meet men.

I'm 41. My preferred age range would be 40 - 45, but the last man I liked was 50, so I am willing to consider someone older, if they are right for me. I wouldn't really want to consider anyone much younger. What I mean about the men I meet being too young/too old is that they are around 30 or over 60.

I don't think I'm overly fussy, but I'm not prepared to date just anyone for the sake of not being single. There probably is an element of truth in not being ready for a relationship... although it would be nice. Or maybe it's just that I'm not 'desperate' for one. I don't know.

I think my experiences of online dating haven't been great. I'm not really into the whole 'multi dating' thing. Everything about online dating is wrong for me. I rarely saw anyone I was interested in, when I did, they weren't interested in me. I tried meeting men who were outside of my comfort zone - different social, cultural, educational, professional backgrounds, but it just didn't work. The 45 year old men who are of interest to me are looking for women 20-40. The only men who are interested in women my age are 20 years older than me or casting their net far and wide in the vain hope of getting anyone.

I also feel like online dating is one huge 'pick me' dance. Always trying to be prettier and wittier than thousands of other women on there... It's just not really me.

A few of my friends have recently begun relationships and their boyfriends fitted quite well into our friendship group and joined in with our social activities etc quite well, but the couple of men I had relationships with just didn't and it was awkward and they wanted me to choose between seeing my friends and them. Seeing my friends sort of won. My friends met their boyfriends through work. They had no time for online dating either.

I tried online dating again over the summer, but it wasn't very successful. My search criteria is actually pretty broad. Someone between 38 and 45 with a degree who lives within 25 miles of me. That's it. So I don't think that's too fussy...

Myusername I was on the dating thread many moons ago when I did online dating the last time round. I think the threads were in the 70s then.

I suppose I'd just like some reassurance that I'm still attractive to men, as much as anything!

[LIttleTripToHeaven]

flatbellyfella To an extent, I agree with you, but my experience of men in real life is that single child free 30 year olds aren't really interested in 40 something mothers of two with a body to match! And I'm not really interested in a man who is nearing or post retirement who is just in a completely different stage of life to me.

I suppose if I met someone whose interests matched mine and with whom I clicked on an intellectual/social level then, no, the age probably wouldn't be an issue.

But I'd feel very self conscious going out with someone more than a couple of years younger than me. I think I'd wonder about his motivation, tbh.

[LIttleTripToHeaven]

I think what bothers me most is that I do occasionally notice men looking at me from another car, or across the pub or in the supermarket, or whatever, but none of the men I actually know are in the slightest bit interested!

[FromTheTree]

I don't think there is an easy answer, OP.

My personal experience (and what I notice around me) is that from late teens onwards until probably around mid-30s a single woman can't help meeting men, if she is out and about! One aspect of being young seems to be that everyone's sexual signals are everywhere and in mixed environments like college, work etc this is going to have more opportunity. A woman might not choose suitable men and she may choose unconsciously, but it seems to happen more easily!

Fast forward to late 30s and onwards, especially with children, and I really think choice is just more limited. Its just the way it is. Its a cliche to say, but many of the good men have probably by now got married, and only a few happily single remain.

So, I think one is left with only a few choices:

1. Remain happily single, pursuing your life and interests regardless.
   

1. Really be serious about internet dating and get good at it! This takes a serious level of effort and a lot of time. But I think it is really important to know what you want and be alert to the sleazy and weird (including respectable) types that populate nearly every site. Especially if you are a bit desperate or are the kind to see the good in everyone :-/ But you probably know that already if you've tried it.
   

1. Hope to meet someone at some time through other avenues, socially, through work, interests, friends etc. This is possible of course, but it does also depend on lots of factors.
   

1. Regardless of 1, 2 and 3, focus on your own development and path and activities. The sheer job and achievement in this is worth more than any particular 'result'.
   

What do you think?

[FromTheTree]

And p.s. having a relationship to my mind is not the be-all-and-end-all. I was holiday recently surrounded by middle-aged couples. The majority of them looked pretty miserable.

[LIttleTripToHeaven]

FromTheTree I completely agree that having a relationship is not the be all and end all. And the number of people I know who are in not entirely happy marriages is testament to that!

I suppose I'm just conscious that my marriage wasn't good (relationship lasted from 26 - 37), and hadn't been good from the start. I went to university twice during my marriage and there were not any options there, I had a hobby (that I continue with now) but didn't meet anyone through that, so it wasn't even like I was attracting men when I was in my late 20s/30s anyway, so I don't feel like I missed out on anything then.

I think I'm more attractive now than I was then, I'm just older.

I have an education, career and interests. I have my children and wouldn't consider any more, so I'm not in any rush. I suppose I'd ideally meet someone through other avenues rather than online dating.

It just doesn't happen. I suppose I just wondered whether other people really do just bump into someone when they're out and about with their daily lives!

[stubbornstains]

It's my turn to comment on your thread now littletrip

I have never met a man at a festival etc, like many of my mates have. Sorry if it's wrong to bring stuff from another thread up, but you said you have AS (like me)? And you said you found it easier to communicate online?!

I have dipped my toe into online dating a couple of times, and haven't found it too bad. The second time I met my XP and father of DS2 on my first date (so OK, he turned out to be an abusive wanker, but at least I managed to complete my family. Silver linings'n' all that ).

The reason I like online dating is that you can have loads of chat online, on your terms, before meeting any one (I don't believe in the whole "meet ASAP" thing, but then I actually enjoy the chatting in and of itself). I made my profile deliberately quirky, and indicative of the way I really think, as an effortless way to filter out all the people who wouldn't "get" me (just think, I have never been sent an unsolicited dick pic. I'm quite proud of that, I am).

To me, it's like....you want the right sofa, but none of your friends have one for sale, and there's not one advertised in the local newsagents, so you go online. You want kittens, but they have to sisters and at least 12 weeks, ask around and can't find any, go online. You want a man who is actually single, etc etc....

Having said that, I'm thinking it will soon be time to try dating again, and I am genuinely doubting whether there are any single men in their 40s who aren't abusers or saddos, so......we shall see.

[AnyFucker]

I honestly think that if my marriage ever ended I would never have a relationship with a man again

Too fussy, too many dealbreakers, patience not at a premium, too much other stuff in my life, not physically able to suffer fools gladly

it's ok to be on your own

[stubbornstains]

...except when you want a shag

[AnyFucker]

You don't need a "relationship" to have a shag

[LIttleTripToHeaven]

Stubborn I think it is bad form but I don't mind.

I think that the AS is part of the issue. I found that when I did meet in real life, it didn't feel legitimate because of how we'd met, as much as anything, or I found the transition from talking online to real life difficult. I would like to meet someone in real life but, I don't think I find it very easy to talk to men. If I like someone, I tend to avoid them. Which I guess isn't going to help. I find men quite difficult to fathom. I have dated a few 'quirky' men who have been very honest and direct. I have found that to be much easier to manage. I spend a lot of time trying to work out what they mean/want otherwise.

My profile was also quirky and, whilst I didn't say or hint at the AS, I think I did similarly to you. I've also never been sent a dick pic and my profile did act as a filter, as intended.

I dated one man who lived some distance from me and I could only see him every other weekend. We had little communication in between times, which suited me fine, but I then found out he was still chatting to other women, so I guess it wasn't enough for him, and I ended it. The other wanted to see me a few times a week, which was too much at the time, and he also wanted someone younger than me. Which was a problem, because I can't be younger than I am! So I ended that too.

I'm also good at communicating online, but find it more difficult in real life. I also saw chatting online as a 'thing' in and of itself, although I did meet asap because I didn't want to waste time talking to a person online who might not have been who they said they were in real life.

Perhaps I'm just not really cut out for it!

[stubbornstains]

(darkly) But sometimes you can meet someone, go out, fall in love and be in a relationship with them for months, even years, and still not know who they are in real life. Not really really really, anyway.

AF There must be some quality control and meeting of minds for someone to even be shag material! (from my POV, anyway)

[LIttleTripToHeaven]

Hm AF, I'm inclined to agree with you about not having a relationship again, for all the reasons you give.

I have had a couple of FWBs over the past few years and I found them much easier to handle than relationships, tbh. The emotional side of things is quite difficult for me. I can handle the no strings sex stuff much better. But it needs to be a proper friendship, not a fuck buddy type thing.

But at the moment, I'm having a crisis of body confidence so just shagging isn't really working for me.

Really not cut out for it, am I..?

[LIttleTripToHeaven]

Stubborn that is very true!

I know that I become emotionally attached, but I don't think I fall in love, or that they fall in love with me anyway. It's the emotional stress of not understanding all of that that makes it hard.

Take emotion beyond friendship and like out of it and it's fine!

[happyandsingle]

to be honest any fucker it's always people in relationships that say you don't need a man because they have one and don't understand the many reasons people are searching for a partner.
But if they were to become single I know most of them would be put searching for a man.......

[Kittencatkins123]

Hello! 39 y/o here, just met a lovely guy OLD - he is a bit younger than me, we've booked a weekend away together, whole thing has been lovely and straightforward (touch wood!!!!) Three and 1/2 years since my last big meeting that led to a serious relationship so feel your pain! It's a numbers game. I met my last boyfriend 'in the flesh' but no one else suitable since so don't think it's necc the best way (esp these days when everyone is dating online and maybe don't look out for people like they did once). Best to just be open to everything and remember everything can change very quickly! Maybe just try to frame it as a way to meet interesting people you have stuff in common with - then chemistry is a bonus.

Good luck!

[LIttleTripToHeaven]

happy I think you're right on that. Everyone I know tells me that I should enjoy being single and spend time learning to love myself (whatever that means!) and that I should devote myself to my children as I've had my time now... they also all assure me that if their marriages ended, they'd never want to date anyone ever again.

That's a pretty common sentiment for people in relationships. It's certainly how I felt before my marriage broke down. But I would really like to think that this isn't it now for the rest of my life

Kitten that's a good point; framing it as a way to meet interesting people. Congratulations on meeting someone lovely!

I just don't know if I can do all of the chatting online knowing they're chatting to other people and dating other people too. That's the bit that puts me off online dating.

Perhaps I need to reconsider it. Not yet though. I'm not ready to OD yet.

I suppose I was hoping to hear of real life meetings, but maybe you're right and they don't really happen any more. Well not at my age anyway.

[Kittencatkins123]

I find its best to just block that out. We haven't had 'the talk' or anything so I guess he could still be chatting to other people. It's best to just blank that from mind and not get bogged down with that (chats are just chats anyway) and think if he really likes you then that will happen naturally - if it doesn't, then he doesn't really like you so you haven't really lost anything (though obvs that can be hard).

I do think real life meetings happen but then they can be just as not right as the online guys! I'd say keep doing both? But limit yourself to max one date a week on top of real life activities. It gets exhausting otherwise (and soul destroying if they don't work out).