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Why do I keep on making shitty choices about men????

7 replies

Tillydog2003 · 19/10/2016 15:26

I have posted here before about my relationship with OH, lots of problems etc basically I have had a baby with a man (baby wasn't planned) I barely know, turns out he is probably a compulsive liar with issues with anger and massive insecurities that affect the relationship. Our DS is 9 months old now, we have only been together 2yrs and I just feel I have massively fucked up......again.
I have had 2 previous long term relationships, both with men who turned out to have anger/MH problems.
Why do I keep on choosing these men?
It's like I'm determined to make life as difficult as possible for myself. Guess I'm just having a bit of a pity party, I have no idea what I want anymore

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category12 · 19/10/2016 16:10

Maybe you should try doing the freedom programme and maybe counselling, pick apart why you make the choices you do a bit - could be the sort of relationships you saw or experienced growing up, that sort of thing playing in subconsciously. At least you're recognising a pattern, which is a step towards breaking it.

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hellsbellsmelons · 19/10/2016 16:16

It maybe that you are a 'rescuer'!
People pleaser??

Agree with PP - do the Freedom Programme.
You can do it on-line for £10.

What are you plans with current OH?
Do you need to get out and away?
Do you have a plan to do so?

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Tillydog2003 · 19/10/2016 16:53

I've had an amazing upbringing, my parents are still together 40yrs later, they have a happy relationship, obviously had they're ups and downs but always worked through it together, thet have always had a positive impact on my life and continue to, all my childhood memories are most certainly good ones.

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SauvignonPlonker · 19/10/2016 17:00

I sometimes think that having parents with a very happy marriage leaves you a bit unprepared for unhappy relationships. Mine never argued for example & I am crap at confrontation as a result - working on it though!

My friends whose parents divorced were always a bit more mature than me & have frequently had happier marriages, as they've had a bit more life experience. Of course I also have plenty of friends who are happy & whose parents were happy too.

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annandale · 19/10/2016 17:06

I need to be needed in relationships. I've come to the conclusion that I'm OK with that, but it is easy to think 'this person needs someone, I am someone, this person needs me'.

I found it helpful to write out a list (yes I did actually write it down) of things that are dealbreakers in relationships for me. Because I am a people pleaser (actually I think most people are), I can make myself fit into relationships with almost anyone for a while - I have said that if someone gets to a second date with me I will probably marry them, and that's because I can never think of a reason why I shouldn't. But I did finally work out that if they don't have my dealbreakers, it is never going to work. You'd think everyone wants the same thing in relationships but if you get specific, that's not true.

Having said all that - this is now the father of your child. Not unusual to have a 'WTF, I have a child with someone' patch. There will be reasons that he lies. Would it be worth considering couples counselling with him? You never know.

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doji · 19/10/2016 17:07

If you look back on the early days of the relationships, were there any hints you could have picked up as to these men's issues? It may not be that you are so much choosing these men, so much as you are overlooking the red flags and not binning them during the dating phase as most people would.

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Tillydog2003 · 19/10/2016 18:31

I definitely wouldn't say I'm a people pleaser, certainly not in relationships, I'm quite staight to the point, respect me and I'll respect you, I wouldn't bend over backwards to please someone, especially not at my expense and I don't think I can 'fix' these men.
I think doji has hit the nail on the head that I ignore the red flags in the beginning or minimise them at the least.
I think the difference now is that I have my little boy, it changes the whole perspective on things.
The problem also with my currrent partner is that when the red flags started waving I was already pregnant with his baby! Hormones, fear of the unknown, still getting to know one another, it's been tough.
I also feel stupid for ending up pregnant to a man I'd only known for 6 months, I'm old enough to know better!
I've never heard of the freedom project, I will have to google it.