Feel like I've just woken up

[AdamantEve]

I have two children, 5 and 4. My life has been consumed by them since the eldest was born which is fairly normal I think. Last night I looked in the mirror and had a really weird experience, like I had suddenly awoken from a long sleep and that I was having a moment of clarity.

I know that sounds rambly, but ultimately what I mean is that I feel like I have lost my twenties, I was pregnant at 24 and am now 30 and I am.....almost distraught all of a sudden that those years of my mid to late twenties have gone in a haze of baby rearing and I can never get them back.

I realised, last night, that I made a mistake settling with the children's father. I knew at the time but went along with it all. He "showed me who he was" when I was pregnant with DD1 and I realised then it was all a mistake and booked a termination but didn't go through with it.
I don't regret my children for one moment but I know that the truth is I had them with the wrong person and too early for me.

I feel like I am almost mourning for the life I think I should have had, the life I thought I would have and it is too late now as I have committed to all these life decisions that cannot be unmade. It feels like a peculiar "sliding doors" moment where I have seen the other door and have now realised that's the one I was meant to take.

I am on anti depressants for full disclosure and haven't taken them for two months as I forgot a few then just left them. So I am probably feeling like this because of that but can't help feeling that this is how I actually feel and is just being masked by medication.

I want to rewind 10 years and start the past decade again.

I don't think I'll come back to this as just wanted to write it down somewhere, there is no advice that can really help because I'm not really asking anything! So don't feel you have to respond as I possibly won't reply.

[Brankolium]

I haven't much to add OP other than to say I can definitely empathise with the feeling, and that the best thing you can do is channel that feeling into making the her and now not go to waste.

You have no idea how any other path may have panned out but dwelling on would could have been will almost certainly spoil the current path.

Recently saw this poem shared on another thread and it struck a chord:

"The Station"

Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision.
We are travelling by train, out the windows,
we drink in the passing scenes of children
waving at a crossing,
cattle grazing on a distant hillside,
row upon row of corn and wheat,
flatlands and valleys,
mountains and rolling hillsides
and city skylines.

But uppermost in our minds is the final destination.
On a certain day, we will pull into the station.
Bands will be playing and flags waving.
Once we get there, our dreams will come true
and the pieces of our lives
will fit together like a completed jigsaw puzzle.
Restlessly we pace the aisles,
damning the minutes - waiting,
waiting, waiting for the station.

"When we reach the station, that will be it!"
We cry. "When I'm 18." "When I buy a new 450sl Mercedes Benz!"
"When I put the last kid through college."
"When I have paid off the mortgage!"
"When I get a promotion." "When I reach retirement,
I shall live happily ever after!"

Sooner or later, we realize there is no station,
no one place to arrive.
The true joy of life is the trip.
The station is only a dream.
It constantly outdistances us.
"Relish the moment" is a good motto.
It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad.
It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow.
Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today.
Regret is reality, after the facts.

So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles.

Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream,

go barefoot more often,
swim more rivers, watch more sunsets,Sunsetlaugh more, cry less.
Life must be lived as we go along.

The STATION will come soon enough.

[Brocollili]

OP. I'm having similar feelings atm. 34 and have been with dp for 6 years. Not married but lives complely entwined. Suddenly wondering wtf I am doing. Where has my youth gone? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person? But feel I have left this decision far far too late and changing things now could ruin both our lives.

Beautiful poem, Brank. Very apt (for me, at least).

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You are 30. Many people here wish they had changed their lives at 30 by getting rid of the bad dad. Do it now.

Don't find yourself at 40 thinking "I wasted my 20s and my 30s".

You will get your freedom from children in your 40s. It might seem ancient now, but it isn't, it really isn't. You will have a great time. Get rid of the wrong man and build yourself a good life with the DC

[SeaCabbage]

I agree with Runrabbit. 30 is nothing. Celebrate that you have discovered your true feelings now.

Look at the other way - you will still be young enough to do other things when your kids are 18. Everything in life is yin and yang. You feel like you have missed your late twenties but there is so much in your life waiting for you.

As you have said, you have woken up. That is fantastic.

[HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime]

I can relate as I'm sure can many.

30 is so young, it's a good time to wake up (I'm sure years of sleep deprivation with young children plays a part) so change your direction now.

[ForFlipSakes]

Get back onto those anti-depressants. It will help you see things more clearly.
I'm 39 and was where you are now, not so long ago.

Make your changes now. You are young.

I think I'll be staring over at 40. I hope to God it's not too late, but I'm doing it!

[Imbroglio]

Can totally relate. But you are 30 not 80. The best is yet to come - you have realised things are not ok and it's not too late by a long chalk. My children haven't had the upbringing I imagined but in so many ways it has been richer than I could have dreamed of. Be you. Good luck.

[Pettywoman]

You are young enough to change your life and find the path that will make you happy.

I'm 42 and still don't know which way to go in life.

[redexpat]

Can I recommend a book? How to do everything and be happy by peter Jones. It will help you work out how you want your life to be and help you to get it there. X

[tipsytrifle]

I am on anti depressants for full disclosure and haven't taken them for two months as I forgot a few then just left them. So I am probably feeling like this because of that but can't help feeling that this is how I actually feel and is just being masked by medication.

Yes, this is how you really feel. One path choice might be to try and tackle what you truly, deep in your heart, want most to do about it? You DO have choices in the now for a future you would prefer. If AD's were a means to simply accepting what the dice seemed to deal, well, that isn't a choice; it's donning a mask to subdue your truth. Would counselling help? I know in the climate of cuts this may be hard to access but worth a thought or two? To shuffle thoughts around and see where they honestly lie?

I'm not automatically against ADs btw - but how you describe your experience with them (including the forgetting to take them) resonated with me. I took them to hide from/contain/restrain painful decisions and path-making. They held me back. Then I stopped them. You sound like a courageous soul; I think you're up for listening to your Real hopes and desires. If you don't respond to your thread any further, I hope you read it anyhow.

[43percentburnt]

At 27 I was with an arsehole and had been since my teens. My life was ok - good job, nice house etc but I was with a tosser. It was awful. I felt lonely, miserable. I had lots of friends and went out loads but my house was a miserable place to be (for me and dd). Change was scary but had to be done. I had an ephiany thinking when dd is grown up and parents pass away I am left with this horrid, miserable man.

aged 30 my life was totally different. I had bought mr mean out the house. Met my now dh and was having so much fun. I loved coming home from work, loved days off, weekends, trips out. We laughed, talked, shared. Dd thrived and saw a positive relationship being role modelled. It's now several years later and we have little children and it's great. We still talk, laugh and have fun (in a sleep deprived way).

You are young you can make changes. See your 20s as a learning curve.
That poem is great btw. I think I will print it out.

[ferriswheel]

Yeah, what a great poem.