Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Abusive relationship(18 Posts)
Im in a relationship with my partner who is emotionally abusive. Weve ben togtehr 8 years and have a beautiful baby girl together. He has always been insecure about relationships as he was brought up in a volatile home surronded by affairs.
The thing is ive never cheated and hes adamant im always upto something. Anyway to cut a massive story short...
The other week i decided to get a facebook account to keep in touch with all friends. He mafe me delete my page 6 years ago. But since having my daughter i have met lots of mummy friends and want to feel pary of the group. I havs no males on my page as it would cause outrage. When i told him i got favebook (was building up2 it all day ) we wete in bed. He demamded my phone searched through it all and then through it at the cupboard and was shoting wjile r 1 year old slepr in between us. Told me he hated me all because.i had a fb page with photos of r daughter on.
We dont speak for a bit.hostile at home for sges. Then we start getting along. Then on sunday we decide ro go on a nice day out (very rare) as im getting in the car whilst hea strapping r daughter in. He jumps up and starts shouting in the street really loud "how dare you f*in humiliate me like that" i think whoa what the hell have i done were meant to be having a nice day. I ask him what ive done and he is like u f*in know what uve done. Apparently i had been looking ovwr at our guy neighbour (who we dont get along with) and making a sjow of him by actig likw i fancy him (school yard stuff) so i gpt in the car crying and thought i dont want to spoil the family day out. Then we got 10mins down the round and something just made me think i dont deserve this and i rold him i was leaving. Got all mine and banys stuff to go my mums.
Just as i was aboit to leave he cried saying i cant take his daugter away from him. Which swalloed me up with guilt as shes all he really has. He doesnt have many friends or family. And i felt so guilty i stayed.
Started my masters degree on weds and decided to study tonighy and he turned the light off on me and said we cant afford to have the light on. I said dont be so tight ibe got tp study and he started shouting jow i was fuxking childish.
I need to get out of this mes, im still kind lf young (27) and i nees ro rebuild my life, i have zero confidence and no finanical help. I juat feel terrible taking his daughter away from him. Even tho i would only be down road and i have told him he xan see her as mich as he wants.
Thing is, if he really valued having his daughter (and you) with him, he wouldn't treat you the way he does would he? Your baby is his bargaining tool, his means to emotionally blackmail you into staying, if he really cared for either of you he would behave like a decent human being instead of an abusive bully.
You should leave louise, you deserve better than to be treated like this and your daughter deserves better than to be brought up watching a relationship which will teach her all the wrong things about what to expect from and look for in a partner for herself when she's grown up.
Does he work or leave the house for a long enough period for you to pack up and leave? I think it would be safest for you to just go when he's not there, that way there's no chance of a row and no opportunity for him to make you feel guilty and convince you to stay. You should never stay with someone out of guilt about what their life will be like without you, having no friends etc is entirely his responsibility and it sounds as though you will be more than reasonable about contact with your daughter. You deserve to be happy too and I doubt you ever will be with a man who controls you to this extent.
You'll get lots of support on here and it sounds as though you have family to go to, you're absolutely right, you do need to rebuild your life and you sound more than capable of doing just that. Don't waste your life on someone who tries to keep you down, you deserve better
thank you taking that 1st step into the unknown is so hard weve been together 8 years since i was 18 and all i know is this relationship. At times weve been best friends but threres also been a lot of bad.
He just doesnt respect me and pulls me down about absolutley everything. I feel like a broken person, ive been too embarrased to talk to people as i dont want anyone to think that ive failed.
.evertoke he kicks off i keep thinkig right this time im going to do and then i never do.
I feel a bit stronger than i have been i just need a massive kick up the bum. Even tho he doesjt give me any money (he built r house and pays all bills) for me or daughter im worried about finances on my own, especially being at uni.
Booboo is right...you know you can't stay with this abusive man. The accusations he makes are a way of controlling you and keeping you submissive.
Plan a safe exit when he is out. Make sure your family know exactly what he is like, and when he wants to see your daughter make sure friends or family are present so he can't try to manipulate you.
Research local domestic abuse support, call women's aid and consider doing The Freedom Programme.
Remember he will use any tactic to stop you leaving this relationship. Don't fall for the guilt trips. Tell friends, get support and keep posting, there are so many posters who have experience of this type of abuser.
I hope you're ok today xx
Don't let this controlling dickhead control you anymore.
Could you stay with family until you figure out alternative housing?
Yes i could stay with my mum and dad my old room when i use to live there. Its not ideal space but they adore my daughger and are amazing with her. And help me out so much. I dont know how the whole process of getting my own place would work and what help i coild get. Im finanically broke but im sure as im baxk at uni now they might be able to offer help?
Darling look, being broke and free is so much better than being in an abusive controlling relationship. You need to protect you and your child and your parents sound fab and supportive. Go. I did. And when you do relish that moment when you realise you are free, it will get you through some of the hard times ahead. Big hug, stay strong. Xxx
Talk to your personal tutor, s/he should be able to point you towards university support staff, and make sure you get any leeway you need with study deadlines etc.
Getting away from him wouldn't just be the best thing you could do for yourself, it would be the best for your daughter. It sounds horrific. Go back to your parents' house - it might be cramped, but they will help you get through this.
I don't want to frighten you but he sounds like he could be dangerous, can you get a safety plan in place before leaving? Maybe contact your local women's aid or the DV unit of the police for advice? Or like pp have said, go when he's out of the house, get your mum and dad to pick you and dd up and make sure you're not alone with him at all from then on. I would still get some professional back up if I were you though.
You are doing 100% the right thing leaving, good luck.
Your mum and dad's sounds like a good option. Just get out for a start, and after you've got your head around leaving, only then you can start thinking about other things like where/how to live.
There are options available for you to look into. The next few days just concentrate on being with your parents.
The house you live in now, whose is it?
I've not read the other replies but I think things will only get worse know he knows you are prepared to leave him. He can see he doesn't have the hold on you anymore.
I left my EA husband last year. I took the 3 children and left. I had nothing. He kept everything inc the house, its contents and both cars. I have built it all again from scratch. You can do the same. You will be entitled to financial help and I'm sure you're family will help you out wherever they can. Seriously, you will feel so much better off and it's no kind of environment to raise a child in xx
I'm not surprised he doesn't have many friends, he sounds like a right cunt.
You need to get out op, you don't deserve to be treated that way and you daughter will grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to be treated.
My little boy's Dad was exactly like this. My life was so miserable when I was with him.
Luckily I had a supportive family, as you do. I left him in the end, built my life back up, and am now in the most amazing relationship with a man who is my best friend. I am so much happier. My life is unrecognisable. Please, please leave this horrible relationship.
Thank u so much to everybody taking the time oit to reply. It means a lot to havr so much support on here. Ye i agree its better to be broke and cramped for a little bit rather than living a life of anxiety and steppig on eggshells.
We actually won a lot of money on the euromiilions 5 yrs ago (i picked the nunbers) and he paid on his card. We agreed to split it (1/4 of a million) we opened an account in r names on his online banking. He wud transfer me bits when i needed things. And then qe had an argument one day and he wiped my name off the account and to this very day i dont see any of that money. He did buy r hoise in his name and will buy all r food (as i stay at home with r baby becuase i cant afford to pay childcare) and i csnt afford to put petrol in my car. My mum and dad r havig yo borrow me bits of money. I wish i seen those warnig signs 5 years ago. But i just thought its only money theres more important things in life to worry about.
How long did it take all of you affected to re-build your lives?
If you satisfy a court that he agreed that money should be shared (proof the account it was in was joint should help there) then half that house is yours. Please get decent legal advice.
He told me ot was never a joint account. It was his online bankinh u can open bank accounts and call them anything. He just simply put both r names on so i dont really have a leg to stand on. I was too naive amd young to even question anything.
Join the discussion
Please login first.