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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Does he just feel sorry for me?

14 replies

wantingahappyending · 10/10/2016 20:50

I split with my h about four months ago. He left quite suddenly, leaving me with three young children. He basically said he doesn't love me anymore despite us getting along well and wanting the same things in life etc.
Since then I have been heartbroken, which he has seen. He has also been very depressed and even suicidal.
We have started to try and be friends although this is mainly instigated by me, but he is very lovely and considerate towards me, is generous with money and time etc. So I've been thinking maybe he regrets leaving but now I'm wondering if he just feels so guilty about leaving as he knows how much I love him and how hurt I am and that actually he just feels sorry for me. I'd appreciate opinions on this as it's all I think about and it's driving me insane. Anyone been in a similar position?

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/10/2016 21:07

Have you started divorce proceedings yet?

Who is he living with? OW?

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wantingahappyending · 10/10/2016 21:17

I've seen a solicitor but have agreed to wait until we both have more money. He is living by himself

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/10/2016 22:12

I don't think he feels sorry for you. I think he feels sorry for himself.

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/10/2016 22:13

Depressed and suicidal? Has the cheeky fucker had the absolute fucking nerve to try to make himself out as the most damaged here? Please tell me you didn't give him tea and sympathy.

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wantingahappyending · 10/10/2016 22:17

I did
I don't know what else to do. I did have a big rant at him one night, where I told him some home truths about the choice he has made but it nearly pushed him over the edge. I'd hate for him to do anything stupid I don't think he's just saying it for attention as it only came out when pushed for by a counsellor.

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Happybunny19 · 10/10/2016 22:22

Is his leaving you a result of his depression? I wonder if he's blaming you or your relationship for his unhappiness, that's quite common with depression. Is he seeking treatment for the depression and possibly seeing things more clearly now he's living away from the family home?

Are you getting on well enough to talk about things again?

The fact that he left suddenly could point to a breakdown, unless you suspect there's someone else involved.

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TheNaze73 · 10/10/2016 22:26

So people that end a relationship as its not working, aren't allowed to be upset about it?? Really??

I think you need to maintain distance. You owe him nothing

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wantingahappyending · 10/10/2016 23:00

I don't think I said he wasn't allowed to be upset, I am just trying to understand him as we didn't have a bad relationship at all, he was my best friend and we hardly ever argued.
He did have a thing for someone he met at work but it was more an emotional thing that was over before it started. He had feelings for this person though.

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wantingahappyending · 10/10/2016 23:01

He didn't have a breakdown it was about six weeks after he left that he started showing signs of depression which seem to go up and down

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Solasum · 10/10/2016 23:03

A cynic would say he started getting 'depressed' when things didn't work out with OW. Doesn't sound like he is your friend OP, don't treat him as one.

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Lilacpink40 · 10/10/2016 23:05

You could both be grieving the loss of the relationship. I'd suggest, however, getting consolation from others and making steps to move on. You have separated for a reason or reasons so this may well not stay amicable in the long run.

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/10/2016 23:39

You need to be much more detached. You should not be the source of tea and sympathy, for two reasons. One, he is the source of the hurt to you, which means it is extremely disrespectful of him to then cry on your shoulder about how much it hurts him that he hurt you. Two, if he is feeling depressed about his choices then it will make things worse to be around you, using you as his emotional crutch. These are conversations he should be having with friends and maybe a therapist, not his ex.

So, sounds like he had an emotional affair, claimed it never went further yeah right left you because he wasn't happy wanted OW after 6 weeks it wasn't working out with OW and he got depressed about what he had thrown away.

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/10/2016 23:40

What do you mean by I'd hate for him to do anything stupid I don't think he's just saying it for attention as it only came out when pushed for by a counsellor. Did you go to his counselling session with him?

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wantingahappyending · 11/10/2016 07:43

It was a joint session to counsel us through the split. You are very wise runrabbit and make a lot of sense!