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Guilt over how a friendship ended.

(17 Posts)
Gutted2016 Tue 04-Oct-16 21:42:11

I had a very good (so I thought) friend around 5 years ago who I met through work. She always seemed very lovely and supportive to my face and when I went through a rough patch after leaving work, she was there for me and I tried to be there for her during her divorce and the aftermath.

Anyway there was always some level of duplicity on her part as during the work situation I found some notes she had kept on me, listing all my bad points for our manager. Very personal and cutting stuff. I was going through a period of depression and eventually left. It was an awful cut throat job and I couldn't hack it. I put her comments down to the environment she was in as to my face she was very nice and listened to me closely etc.

There were also a few times when we went out that she revealed what could only be described as jealousy towards me, especially when there was any male attention. She would say cruel and often odd things about the differences between us and then spend the night crying.

Aside from this she was really lovely and thoughtful, she was having a hard time and so I overlooked her being a bit funny towards me and the work situation. I wanted to help her really as I was over my bad times and wanted to see her through hers. She was very funny and we had a lot in common.

I eventually stopped seeing her when I got pregnant as I had other priorities and I could feel the little comments rising and sense that there was something bothering her, she was a bit strange about the pregnancy and my partner. She seemed bitter towards me almost. I feel awful about how I did it, I just ghosted her sad

I have found out that she now lives within walking distance of me and I wonder if I should try and make amends. In spite of everything I really hope she is ok.

WWYD?

BarbarianMum Tue 04-Oct-16 21:46:36

Umm, no, why would you? According to your OP she's been malicious, jealous and bitter towards you. In what way does that make her a desirable friend?

HeddaGarbled Tue 04-Oct-16 21:48:59

Honestly? No. She sounds like a frenemy and I think you did the right thing.

Gutted2016 Tue 04-Oct-16 21:49:18

I always felt like it was some underlying mental health issue that made her act this way as she was generally very nice when things were going well for her. I still feel bad about ghosting her as she didn't really have any one else.

benbry Tue 04-Oct-16 21:55:57

It could possibly be rather unkind to actually contact her, your life is obviously going well and hers may not be. Leave well alone.

Gutted2016 Tue 04-Oct-16 21:59:58

I hadn't considered that benby. I think you are probably right. Although she has taken a flat round the corner so there is every chance I could bump in to her. confused

Yoarchie Tue 04-Oct-16 22:00:21

Definitely don't contact her. You don't need "friends" like that.

Teahornet Tue 04-Oct-16 22:03:12

Look, OP, you seem intent on flagellating yourself about a woman who by your own account has been extremely unpleasant to you over a long period but whom you insist on calling 'really nice'" and finding excuses for (MH issues, a side effect of a cutthroat work environment etc). It's nice that you wish her well, but her possible MH issues aren't yours to solve.

georgethecat Tue 04-Oct-16 22:04:14

Yup total frenemy.
If you bump into her take the Madagascar penguins approach 'just smile & wave boys'
Don't explain,don't justify,don't apologise- you weeded her out with reason x

Gutted2016 Tue 04-Oct-16 22:18:34

You are all right of course, I did it for a good reason. I think I would have just put it to the back of my mind except that I could now be confronted with her on my street!

Teahornet Tue 04-Oct-16 22:36:34

Then be civil and don't get dragged back in out of guilt.

springydaffs Tue 04-Oct-16 22:47:33

I'm in the same position as I ghosted not one but two 'friends' when they were (monumentally) crap when I was ill with cancer. Like you, it doesn't sit well with me to have done it like that. It's not my style.

Ghosting is just horrible and we both did it. It's giving my conscience gyp. But what can we do? Go to them and list their faults, explaining why we did it; or leave it as it is.

It's a tough one. Yes they deserved something but not that. I wish I'd said something at the time to finish it off respectfully. But a bit up to my neck at the time tbh <justifies self>

springydaffs Tue 04-Oct-16 22:48:58

We could say 'I'm sorry I finished things off in the way I did, I regret it, it was a horrible way to do it' and leave it there?

gettingtherequickly Tue 04-Oct-16 22:52:19

No, ignore her, it might teach her to treat people a little better in the future.

Corialanusburt Tue 04-Oct-16 22:53:06

The thing she did at work was strange and cruel. I would be very wary of her.
I agree, just 'smile and wave' if you bump into her and most definitely leave it at that.

Snapespeare Tue 04-Oct-16 22:57:40

You would be laying yourself open to more of the same. Why would you do that to yourself?

springydaffs Tue 04-Oct-16 23:26:28

Not necessarily opening yourself up to more of the same imo.

I don't want a relationship with these women - if they could behave so badly as such a tough time they can fuck off - but two wrongs don't make a right. I know they are both stunned by it - it's just a horrible thing to do.

I do want to treat people respectfully, even if they don't.

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