Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feel like this is the final straw :(

(19 Posts)
Jules8432 Tue 27-Sep-16 13:22:54

Hello, I've never done anything like this before but i don't know where else to turn sad

I Had crazy whirlwind relationship with my ex when we were 18.
he was abusive but it wasn't all bad. Still miss him massively in some ways.
We have a 14 yr old son together who he's not allowed to see because of social services etc and my son doesn't want to see him.
He won't believe it's my sons choice (thinks it's all me) and is determined to speak to him.

He's just moved with his rich pregnant fiancé to the top of my road after 8 years of us being apart but he has already broken the handle off the door to my flats and written his name on my car after getting drunk and kicking off at the pub over the road.
In a weird warped way I feel slightly comforted to think he still thinks of me but obvs I know this isn't normal or good.

They live in a beautiful home, go on multiple holidays and breaks etc, she pays for everything and is pretty.
He's an ex drug addict that's spent most of his life in prison with anger issues
I feel so jealous and rejected but I know he's no good, but my mind keeps saying maybe he's finally going to be all the things I wanted him to be.

My son is upset because he has no other siblings and has always wanted them and now his psycho dad has moved onto our doorstep and messaged him saying he's going to be a big brother which is messing with his head, he's freaked out by his dad but naturally wants to see the baby.

I'm on my own working 2 jobs never met anyone since him, so have a huge amount of mixed emotions like fear, jealousy, sadness, rejection, defeat, deisbelief..

Why would he move so close? Why would she want to move so close to us?
Does he want to antagonise me?

He did live an hour away before but said they want to live in a nice area for the baby Which just so happens to be where I walk past every day on way to work.

I almost feel like I'm grieving the end of our relationship which has knocked me and my self esteem massively, in fact I think I'm becoming slightly depressed. The thought of this being long term is too much to bare sad

pocketsaviour Tue 27-Sep-16 14:06:18

Sounds like you need to inform the police immediately of the vandalism - make sure it's on record because this will escalate. Was there a previous injunction in place? The time he served, was that for violence against you and/or your son, or was it drug offenses?

Any chance you could consider a move?

springydaffs Tue 27-Sep-16 14:11:49

You also need to inform SS he's moved into your road.

This man is BAD NEWS. For you, for your boy.

Come on girl, it's obvious. Yy I get it we can hanker after bad boys but not in the real world. In the real world of parenting and work he is serious Trouble.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Tue 27-Sep-16 14:13:12

I'm so sorry, your ex sounds like a massive twat - as no doubt his new partner will find out in time. In fact, I feel sorry for her also. He doesn't seem to have changed his behaviour much does he?

Your poor DS. What a way for his father to come back into his life - breaking door handles & vandalising his mum's car hmm.

The only practical advice I can offer is to inform the Police of any vandalism or harassment. I would also be worried that the attention he pays you could escalate.

I wonder how his new partner feels about moving in to the same road as his ex & child? Did she even know you were there before moving in I wonder?

flowers for you OP.

Tarttlet Tue 27-Sep-16 14:17:39

Have you had any kind of counselling, OP?

MrsBertBibby Tue 27-Sep-16 14:23:30

You should tell social services his girlfriend's expecting, so they can check it out.

As well as telling the police about his behaviour.

tipsytrifle Tue 27-Sep-16 14:25:01

This is absolutely Bad News, OP. If he's flying off into drunken rages and damaging your car already, what are the odds he hasn't learned anything about civilised behaviour and might still be using? Well, he's using his rich gf for a start. He's messing with your child's mind too. You need to lock down his access to ds and do as others have suggested for ds' and your safety. Inform SS and police. I think you might find yourself going down the injunction path fairly soon. This man is not worthy of anything other than loathing tinged with rational fear.

The young woman across the road from me has had a LOT of trouble from an ex who smashed her door in after threatening her in a rage and then wrecked her car windows for good measure. The police are there often. I believe some sort of Order has now been placed on him but he lives locally and will likely return at some point.

This man is dangerous not desirable! Be warned!

smilingeyes11 Tue 27-Sep-16 14:43:23

bloody hell - police, social services and Women's Aid for you. Freedom Programme also. Where is your own self esteem that makes you hanker for such an utter loser. He sounds just awful and you need to protect yourself and pity the poor woman who believes he is decent.

tipsytrifle Tue 27-Sep-16 15:03:38

Just another thought. He "branded" your car with his name. He's laid a possessive claim on you. He was trying to get (forcibly and in fury) into your home. If he'd got through the main door in that state what would you have done? The messages he is writing on the wall are not those of love or regret. He wants to own you. What did he write on the car with btw? Is it removable? Take pictures of before you wash it off.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 27-Sep-16 15:18:07

Wow - I feel very sorry for his Fiance.
I cannot believe she knows about you living so close by.
If a current BF of mine wanted to move close to his Ex I'd be telling him to go there alone.
Feel sorry for her.
He's a cock and he's proving to you already that he's still a violent dick-head!
Keep well away.
As others have said, SS and police. Get it all reported.
Then as another PP said, get yourself on the phone to Womens Aid.
0808 2000 247 and ask them about their Freedom Programme.
Attend it. Listen, partake and learn!!!
You might be able to move one once you've done it.

Seeyouontheotherside Tue 27-Sep-16 19:57:36

Call the police and social services before he escalates to harming you and/or your son. You should be scared, not flattered, his intentions are not positive toward you and his violent mentality is extremely dangerous.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 27-Sep-16 20:03:20

Agree with everyone else. Police and social services immediately.

Be sad for the new gf and her child. She has only just started on the path you've been on since you were 18. Poor woman. She's pregnant and he's getting wasted, is trying to break into his ex's flat and is branding his ex's car. God knows what else he is doing to her behind closed doors.

Call the police about the vandalism. For your sake, for your son's sake, for your son's half-brother's sake

Jules8432 Tue 27-Sep-16 20:05:55

Thanks so much everyone for the feedback x
Defo going to get in touch with ss and women's aid 👍🏼

I told the police and they closed the case without even speaking to me because they said unless I had evidence of him writing his name in huge letters on the bonnet of my car (only in the dust) they can't get him.
Even though he had been identified by multiple people trying to smash the Windows of the pub (after being locked out) with chairs then trying to break into the flats.
That was pretty disappointing considering He's so well known to the police they send him Christmas cards! and he's currently on bail for a pretty bad thing that's been in the papers!

It's my son I'm worried about.. He's changed and become v angry, we're arguing, I'm stressed and just full of frustration too. We just don't deserve this again.. Ive worked so hard to provide a good life then he rocks up like here I am! And we just have to sit and take it
I feel I've run out of fight, 8 years on and he's come back to haunt us sad

As for her.. She probs thinks I'm awful and thinks moving nearby was all about seeing our son, Maybe it is?
But in my heart I still think there's something underlying about him wanting to get at/to me, even though he said he's finally met someone he loves like he loved me but this time wants to marry and have a child with her.

I'm still torn between thoughts though that maybe he really is going to turn a new leaf.
Do you think someone of 34 who's got serious mental, addiction, criminal issues can change with love, money and support??

Thanks again everyone for being voices of reason, it's difficult when you're so torn between a weird connection to the father of your child but knowing they're actually as the police put it "unhinged" x

Bogeyface Tue 27-Sep-16 21:13:12

I would be more worried about his new GF and the child.

She is now where you were then, she has all this shit to come.

Of course he cant change, he has just found someone vulnerable or desperate enough to put up with bankrolling an abusive unhinged career criminal so he will be playing nice with her until it isnt going his way. That will probably be when the baby arrives and he isnt centre of the universe anymore.

Bogeyface Tue 27-Sep-16 21:20:14

And presumably if he gets found guilty of this latest crime, he will be sent down? If he does then there is no reason why your son cant meet his sibling when your ex is in prison. And hopefully his GF will realise that she needs to get as far from him as possible.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 27-Sep-16 21:20:59

Do you think someone of 34 who's got serious mental, addiction, criminal issues can change with love, money and support??

No. They have to want to change. They can change without love or money or support. In fact, this is when most do choose to change.

No wonder your DS is acting up. I bet he's picking up on the vibes that you are considering letting this unhinged cuntmonkey back into his life.

The police know he's "unhinged". Maybe they'll offer you some advice on how to keep him away from DS and your general vicinity.

Jules8432 Tue 27-Sep-16 21:39:20

That's true, but she's also on bail for covering up for him.
Either way I would let my son see the baby if she says ok?

The police said he refused to sign a pin order and are as sick of him as I am 🙄

Defo not going to let my ex anywhere near my son!
He's too emotionally manipulative and determined to turn our son and anyone else against me.

After hearing from you all on here I'm actually feeling a bit more confident that this is our home and the best thing I can do is to safe guard our home, carry on regardless and be happy!

I just don't get why he came here drunk if he's so happy now..
Maybe he's just angry because he thinks I've turned our son against him which I can categorically say I never have.

Bogeyface Tue 27-Sep-16 21:42:16

He has to blame you because the only other option is to blame himself and men like that can never take responsibility for their actions.

And I wonder if her covering up for him was a voluntary act or one done out of fear. YOu know what he is capable of, and I bet now so does she sad

tipsytrifle Wed 28-Sep-16 14:54:18

Trying to find a rational cause for his violent, abusive, crazy behaviour kind of overlooks the obvious; he's violent, crazy and abusive. His behaviour is logical in the twisted pinball machine of a mind that has lost the plot. Don't drive yourself insane trying to find a compassionate understanding. His actions are who he is. Stay safe, be happy you escaped him and maybe get an extra chain on your door! chocolate

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now