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This is a long OP

(19 Posts)
IzzyIsBusy Fri 23-Sep-16 00:44:16

I was going to nc but in the end i decided why bother.
I dont want to drip feed but i dont want tobore you to death either so i will bullet point the important bits. I advise you to stop at this point if you are easily bored smile

* Married 11 years together for 15
* Great at the start lots of love, romance snd sex
* 4 DC later he works alot, goes to the gym out with friends.
* I am mum 23 hours out of 24. I try to make it work but eventually i give up
* I ended it 2 years ago. He agreed.
* We co parent very well. Shared care no arguments. Speak weekly and on same page.
* i meet new guy. At the start he accepts my busy life.
* However 12 months on my just 14 yo son is now a devil child. Not easy to live with and quiet stressfull. Typical teenager. Nothing major.
* New man decides despite all his promises he cannot do this. I have never expected him to patent i only needed him to support me. My son is not easy and i am not soft but he is a teenager. Life is pretty confusing for him so i do bollock him but i know it is a phase.
* New man only wants to be with me when my children are not with me. He does spend time with the other 3 but wont stay here when my 14 yo does.
* i said ok to this as i love him and want to be with him......BUT

A week in i am not feeling in a relationship. Its not like he is making extra effort on "our" days. I dont feel like we are dating, which is fun, it just feels like well old.
I have comprimised and given him the space he needs but i dont feel like i am getting anything in return.

It is a AIBU but i dare not post there.
So AIBU to think i am getting nothing from this relationship?

jeaux90 Fri 23-Sep-16 00:52:03

Hey. No you are not being unreasonable. It's the little things in a relationship which make you want to compromise on the bigger things. I hope that makes sense. So if the kind, fun, loving gestures aren't there then I have finished it. I am a single parent, I ditched a guy last year because of those little things. He was a lovely guy etc but he also made it feel erm old!! Life is tough, why take crap/boring/compromise if you don't have to! Xxx

bummyknocker Fri 23-Sep-16 00:53:04

I couldn't be with a man who didn't want anything to do with my child.

YABU to consider being with him on that basis.

IzzyIsBusy Fri 23-Sep-16 00:57:34

Thank you Jeaux it is the little things.

Bummy he does not have DC so i have made allowences for that. Children are not eady when they are your own so i am/was willing to allow some adjustment time. That said i come as a package. There are 5 of us. That wont change.

bummyknocker Fri 23-Sep-16 01:02:56

If you are happy with it going nowhere the fine, it cant go anywhere as he won' t be around your child. confused

If you are happy dating, having sex etc then tell him to sort it out and make an effort. If he doesn't well, what have you got? Nothing - neither a supportive partner or a fun fuck buddy,

Superstar90 Fri 23-Sep-16 01:07:10

Just dropping in to give you sympathy having to go through a hard time with both your DP and DS at the same time flowers

IzzyIsBusy Fri 23-Sep-16 01:07:30

Thats the thing.
I dont think i need a full on relationship anymore. My life is very busy so dating/sex/fun would actually suit me just fine. He says this works for him but he isnt dating me. He treats me as if we are still in a relationship. If that makes sense?

I am at a fucking loss if im honest.

salsamad Fri 23-Sep-16 01:08:16

Sounds like life with him going forwards will always be on his terms Izzy.
I appreciate it must be difficult becoming part of a family where you are not the parent because you won't have the depth of feeling for the child who is causing issues and tension, but you maybe perhaps on the receiving end of their rude or brash behaviour. However if you want to have a relationship with someone who has children you have to realise and accept that this person is part of a family unit and you need to do your best to fit into this unit - even if this means you have to make changes and compromises.
I take it your son is your oldest so you have other younger teens or pre teens, so life is only going to get more complicated as they too flex their muscles and become young adults who know everything grin.
Parenting teenagers though rewarding is a hard, thankless task at times and he needs to step up and support you, not step away.

Redorangeyellowgreenblue Fri 23-Sep-16 01:09:13

He ended it for you by saying he doesn't want anything to do with your child. How is that going to work longterm?

IzzyIsBusy Fri 23-Sep-16 01:15:19

Step up. Not step away.

Spot on.

I honestly think my problem is i know the answer sad
I just dont want to.
As pathetic as it sounds a love him and he is amazing with the other 3 DC. That said they will become teenagers too in a few years so will he rehect them also? ........KNOB he will wont he.

IzzyIsBusy Fri 23-Sep-16 01:16:04


Sugarpiehoneyeye Fri 23-Sep-16 01:56:10

OP, this relationship has run its course.
Move on, look forward to a new beginning, with a partner who will support you, when the chips are down.
You cannot do this, with a mill stone around your neck ! 💐

Joysmum Fri 23-Sep-16 07:16:52

He's showing of dealing with the tough times is to opt out, rather than work through them.

Wanting nothing to do with your child is bad enough but it also shows you could never be sure of his commitment to anything.

TheNaze73 Fri 23-Sep-16 09:42:06

I don't actually thing either of you are BU.

Just honest, as it should be. Sounds like it's run its natural course

springydaffs Fri 23-Sep-16 12:49:59

Come off it, he can't have it all ways. He can't entirely reject one of your children and then expect you both to carry on as though that child doesn't exist.

Granted, it must be hard for him to accept a very stroppy teen if he doesn't even have children. But rejecting that teen, literally wiping him out of his/your life, is not the answer.

Apart from anything, that is monumentally crap for your teen. Teens may well behave appallingly but in the middle of all that they are crying out for love and consistency.

Tell him he can't literally saw up your family so he is comfortable. Either he accepts you as a package or he is a distraction on the periphery of your life, not at the centre. No way.

Kariana Fri 23-Sep-16 13:28:49

How does your teen feel about this? He's more than old enough to be aware that this man is avoiding him, but not his siblings. How do you think that makes him feel about this man, or about you? It seems a very sad situation for your teen.

It sounds to me like the relationship has run it's course and you eed to move on for everyone's sake.

category12 Fri 23-Sep-16 16:12:53

Fuck him off. If he can't be around your eldest then he can't be around. Fullstop. The end. It would totally put me off a guy if he singled out one of the dc as intolerable. It is not exactly going to make their relationship easier if he won't be around your ds, it it? Get shot.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Fri 23-Sep-16 17:37:52

Very well said Category, plain honest speaking, take heed Izzy.

lilybetsy Fri 23-Sep-16 23:34:48

my relationship of 6 years has just ended for similar reasons. Take my advice, this won't get better. and as the others get older, he will not be able to cope with them either. So you are right, it can't be a "relationship"; could be a boyfriend that you see in a 'dating' kind of way, but that is necessarily limited. Otherwise bin him off. I wish I had done that 9 months in, i was too besotted at that time, but basically my relationship damaged us all, including my don't need the stress.

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