Constantly missing stbxh

[sadbutnotsad]

Just looking for some advice. H left about four months ago after Ea with another woman. Says he doesn't love me anymore. I was devastated, we have three children been married ten years.
I'm ok with my children we have a great time together and I actually love having them to myself but I still miss h and love him dearly.
The issue is, when he comes to see the kids he is very friendly, asking how I am, taking the bins out for me etc. While this is good as I don't want to be on bad terms because of the children, this ends up setting me back for days wondering if we will ever get back together. I don't want to fall out with him but how can I make it so that I'm not getting hurt each time I see him?

[TheNaze73]

You need to create, manage & maintain clear boundaries. He shouldn't even be allowed in the house, let alone doing bins etc. Think he's doing stuff like that, more to ease his guilt than to support you.

[ConcreteUnderpants]

Totally agree with Naze. I can smell the guilt from here.
You must set boundaries - do the kids' handover at the door, keep talk just related to them etc.
Try and not put on your rose-tinted glasses and reminisce about 'the good old days'. I know it's hard - I still do it myself and ache for my ex. Whenever a nice memory pops into my head, I now consciously replace with a more realistic one of him as he truly is - a lying narcissistic piece of shit. I suggest you try and do the same. He doesn't deserve to continue to negatively impact your life.

[sadbutnotsad]

I know you're both right, I think I've found it hard to switch off caring about him. He doesn't seem to be having such a good time of it, he's gone back into anti depressants etc but again I think that's down to guilt. I don't like not being nice to people especially someone I love, I do feel like a doormat but really wouldn't want us to not be on good terms. I'm struggling to find the middle ground I think

[SandyY2K]

Agree with the PP.

Do the bins yourself. Don't have non child related or essential conversations with him.

Just be civil and when he comes for the kids, bring them out to him and have your handbag and car keys ready to go out yourself

Just say 'what time are you bringing them back' .. then smile and wave.

Don't let him know you're pining for him. Don't appear as though you're sat there waiting.

If you avoid him that way he won't start having conversations and it will help you heal. It's liberating.

[Splishing]

I totally sympathise OP. In a similar position. STBXH had EA that the developed to physical affair. Left a couple of months ago to be with OW. For whatever reason now the anger has calmed down a bit I find I am missing him, wanting him back. Know I should not be thinking like this. Know I am better off without him. Know I will never be able to trust him again but somehow that doesn't seem to matter! My Ex isn't even being nice or friendly to me and definitely not helping me in anyway whatsoever - quite the opposite, it's amazing how difficult he has become! He is the one that started divorce proceedings so it's quite clear he is never coming back. I am trying my best to detach & only contact is about DS. Still not easy though. I am hoping it will get easier with time. Think I am missing what we used to have and know that even if we got back together it wouldn't be the same as before. Keep having to tell myself that.

[sadbutnotsad]

It's so confusing isn't it. I'm also still very close to his family and because he hasn't properly set up his own place yet he still sometimes comes to mine to spend time with the kids!
Why is your stbxh being horrible to you? It is he who is in the wrong surely! It probably makes things easier for him if he can actively be nasty as it will look good to the ow too!
What is wrong with these men? I just hope and prey that leaving us is the biggest mistake and biggest regret of their lives!

[Splishing]

Yes very confusing! I can't imagine having to deal with him in the house still. No wonder you are struggling. He is either feeling really guilty or could he be testing the waters so to speak to see if you would take him back?
I have no idea why mine is being so horrible. I think it's so he can justify what he has done. If I am the bad one not agreeing to everything he wants then I can be seen as being difficult then he'll probably get loads of sympathy from OW. It very much that he is the one that has given up on marriage but somehow I have to be the one having to ensure he gets everything he wants! Yes I hope your right they will some day realise what they have done. It's a question of whether they will ever admit to anyone let alone themselves. Guess it depends how self absorbed they are!
If I were you I would be trying my best not to have him in house. It's not your problem anymore if he doesn't have somewhere to spend time with the kids. Depending on their ages he could take them out to park, cafe, cinema, soft play etc or even to his family's home. I understand you want to be as amicable as you can especially for kids but you also need to do what is right for you. He should respect your feelings after all he has caused this awful situation. If every time he comes into house is setting you back then that will affect your mood and you don't want that to affect your own relationship with your kids.