Name changed for this because if he read it he'd be devastated.
I'm beginning to think I neither really love nor fancy DH any more and I feel utterly terrible about it.
We have been together 18 years and have 2 DCs.
When we met, I was in an abusive relationship and he showed me how good men should treat the person they love. I left that relationship, we got together pretty quickly and we were happy and in love for so many years. There were ups and downs that we survived but about 8 years ago, I started to wonder if I loved him anymore.
He's a good, kind man. A good husband and father but has zero motivation or ambition. I drive absolutely everything, he doesn't care where we go on holiday, I earn much more money, I decide what we are doing at the weekend. You get the picture.
His very presence has started to irritate me and I definitely don't want to have sex with him. I try to avoid it where possible and kissing him feels like kissing my brother. My sex drive is otherwise fine, I have crushes occasionally and self service when necessary.
I once joked to a friend that if I didn't have a crush I felt dead inside and now I'm beginning to wonder if having that charge was the only way I could keep our sex life going.
I feel like such a shit. I do love him but not in the way I did. I like and respect him but am wondering a) if I can get past this and b) is it fair? Shouldn't he have someone who adores and appreciates him?
I don't feel desired at all, sex is so perfunctory though he's technically skilled. It's scheduled in but always has been lower down his priority list. He once walked out of a room when I walked in for an entire week to avoid having sex with me. I can try and flirt but am met with nothing.
I think part of the problem is we have both changed so much. I am healed, I'm not broken like I was when we first got together. Then, I was attracted to his gentleness and kindness, over the years I have come to realise that he is actually very passive with little passion for anything other than computer games. I want to live life to the full and see the world. I want some passion in a partner.
He has also gained massive amounts of weight and become lazier. He's always saying he should lose weight and we've approached it from the health angle but he can't be arsed and keeps getting bigger.
I know there are people with serious problems and this is so minor in comparison so I'm sorry. I also know how shallow I sound.
I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever been in this situation before I consider throwing a grenade into the lives of those I love? Did you come out the other side?
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I'm in trouble
11 replies
Muckyduck · 16/09/2016 19:38
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