Feeling trapped I want to run away

[Pinklemonade123]

Ok so I'm new to this I had my first talking therapy session today and she suggested I tried Mums net.
Basically I just need some advice/suggestions etc.
Sorry it's so long!

I've been with my husband for almost 7 years, married for 2 years and we have two sons together.

I recently found out my husband had cheated on me in the past.. He used to be an alcoholic and take drugs on occasion. So he uses that as his excuse of course.
As far as I'm aware he does not do either of those now. But since finding out he cheated on me I feel this is the last straw.
I have struggled to forgive and get over the things he's done in the past. For 6 years I've had to put up with him being so drunk that he's pissed him self or the bed, choked on his own vomit, and accidentally overdosed and ended up in hospital.. The way he has treated me and spoke to when he's been under the influence is disgusting and even now sober he often tells me my purpose in life is to make sure his dinner is ready waiting for him when he gets home with a clean and tidy house.. And that he also thinks I should give up my own business (I own a salon) so I can spend more time with the kids. Bearing in mind I do not have child care we can't afford it so I do not work in the day.. I work evenings once he's home from work. So I'm already spending all morning and afternoons with my boys.
I've been suffering from depression and anxiety and now am loosing interest in myself, work, hobbies ..just everything really!
I am not the person I used to be any more, I feel trapped because we are married and have two children and I can not afford to support myself and kids alone. If I chose to leave my husband I would have no help from family as my dad has told me to suck it up and get on with it and will not financially help me, and my mum is a student in her own crappy relationship.
I would loose my business, my house, my life.
I don't no what to do. I just feel like running away!

[AcrossthePond55]

I don't mean to be snide, but if your therapist suggested you try MN to find a solution to your problems, you need a new therapist. That's his/her job.

If he/she suggested you might find validation here, then yes, if I were you I'd get the hell out.

[Pinklemonade123]

Aw no worries. She suggested I came on here for information, help etc that she cannot give because she's a therapist she can not tell me what to do, of course she's advised me on some things.. But said coming on here may be helpful to me because I'm so stressed & worried about what to do. Talking others that can relate etc may help. Xx

[Somerville]

I think she should have directed you towards Women's Aid for support advice. Your husband sounds controlling. And also Citizens Advice - they can advise about benefits, housing etc.

Nevertheless you will find other women here who can relate to your situation. Many of them have left shit marriages like yours and are much happier.

Your instinct to run away is a good one. Trust your instinct. Only, since you have children, it is your husband who should leave. That's where the practical advice comes in and you need to get some.

[Pinklemonade123]

Ok il call citizens advice in the morning. The house I am in is my dads, so I believe I am not allowed housing benefits etc since he is a family member.. I'm hoping CAB can explain better and tell me my options. He can be controlling and make me feel bad a lot. He never notices the things I've done only picks on what I haven't, can't have a conversation with out it being all about him. When I try to talk to him about the things that bother me that he has done he refuses and says he can't turn back time so what do I expect him to do and to stop talking about it and forget about it. When I first found out he cheated on me I told him I wanted a divorce and he told me he would kill himself.. I'd feel awful if he did something silly or went back to his old ways and ruin his life even more. I can't stop feeling guilty when I no I shouldn't be in the first place! Xx

[Somerville]

You need to phone Women's Aid, love. Look on their website - sometimes the main number is engaged and you can get through faster to your local group.
Threatening to kill himself if you end it is a well known tactic of controlling and abusive men. (I'm far from an expert but I'm awake and I think you want some advice right now?)

More people will be around in the morning and will have more (better) advice.

But I know I'm right that you should be in touch with Women's Aid - You may well need some specialised counselling or support and they're the experts.

[Pinklemonade123]

Ok thank you, il look for their number now and save it. X

[Somerville]

The main number is 0808 2000 247 and is 24 HR if you want to talk now.

But as I say, I've heard it's often engaged in the daytime in which case to email or find local group number online.

[Pinklemonade123]

Ah it's 24 hours. That's good. I won't call now because I no il get upset as soon as I start talking about it, I don't want to wake my sons up etc but as soon as my husbands left for work il call them thank you. Xx

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

People are always recommending Women's Aid, and do get in touch, but sometimes your local councils domestic abuse team might be faster and more connected. I'd suggest you try both.

One thing you'll see is details of thr various forms of domestic abuse (emotional, financial, sexual, etc), which is now finally recognised as illegal.

You mentioned I can't afford childcare, rather than we, and he's pressuring you to give up your financial independence, so there's some element of financial abuse, as well as emotional.

Depending on loads of things (ages of children, yours and H's incomes, etc), you can probably survive financially post-split - some benefits kick in as a single parent, and if he's got a regular (I.e., salaried and not self-employed cash-in-hand) his child maintenance payments would be regulated. Something else to talk to CAB.


Oh, and I don't think it's impossible to get HB even if you rent from family, just a bit harder to prove.

Best of luck.

[NightWanderer]

If you don't want to be with him, you don't have to be with him. You don't need reasons, or to listen to excuses, or to justify yourself. It's completely your own decision. What I would say is yes, you might lose those things but you can get them back. You can always get them back, get a new job, get a new place to live. You won't lose your life though and his threats are just that, threats. This is your life, take control. You can do it!

[Oliversmumsarmy]

When I first found out he cheated on me I told him I wanted a divorce and he told me he would kill himself..

You are not responsible for another adults decisions or consequent actions.

Will your father let you stay in the house if you and your husband split given what his attitude has been in the past as any form of descent might put his own marriage in jeopardy

[Pinklemonade123]

No when I spoke to my dad about it he's said that I wouldn't be able to afford to pay for rent and bills, that he can not help me and that I would have to find somewhere else to live and he would sell the house. I've spoken to my mum about it as they own the house together she had said she would have to agree on the house being sold for my dad to sell it which she won't. But I can't take my mums word for it.
So now I feel like I waiting to be kicked out too!
My mum and dad had a bad relationship and they stayed together for the sake of me and sister which wasn't a good idea. I had an awful relationship with my mum she mentally abused me because of her own unhappiness and that was for as long as I can remember up until I moved out when I was 19. My dad seems to think I should just get on with it for the sake of the children and because at least I have some where to live etc. But it didn't work out for them I don't want to turn in to my mum and become so unhappy that I take it out on my boys that scares me I never ever would want to treat them the way she treated me.
And that's true I can always get those things back its not the end of the world but I'm just angry with the fact that I loose everything I've worked hard for because of my husband. I worried I won't be able to cope being on my own which is really pathetic. Xx

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Your home is your home but only on terms that make you unhappy. Your husband is making you unhappy.
Start again. The rest is just financial which can be worked out.
Still think your dad is worried that if he throws you out and you make a go of your life your dm might look at her life differently

[Pinklemonade123]

Yes I guess. I'm not sure about my mum she seems to not remember anything when I've tried to talk to her about it lol but my dad is typical traditional man, he thinks I should stay home and do nothing just look after kids and house and says that should make me happy
I don't understand why my dad would want me to live an unhappy life when he could easily help me if he wanted to physically and financially. As a parent why would you want your child to be unhappy?! If your capable of helping them it's shouldn't even be something to consider?! I don't no.
Anyway I shall speak to Womens aid and CAB that should help me make decisions or plans xx

[Pinklemonade123]

Yes I guess. I'm not sure about my mum she seems to not remember anything when I've tried to talk to her about it lol but my dad is typical traditional man, he thinks I should stay home and do nothing just look after kids and house and says that should make me happy
I don't understand why my dad would want me to live an unhappy life when he could easily help me if he wanted to physically and financially. As a parent why would you want your child to be unhappy?! If your capable of helping them it's shouldn't even be something to consider?! I don't no.
Anyway I shall speak to Womens aid and CAB that should help me make decisions or plans xx

[painbadger]

Get some decent advice like others have suggested. Your parents are toxic. DON'T listen to your dad. maybe you should explore if you are co- dependent
www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00BS027FC/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Many cities have support groups for co dependent partners
coda.org/
and you could still go to Al-Anon family group meetings for support (even though he is no longer drinking)

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

As a parent why would you want your child to be unhappy?!

Because they're warped and fundamentally unhappy themselves. In fact, the more I hear about them the more I'm amazed that you're so sane.

I think your father is wrong about you not being able to afford to live without H. If this is a he's basing his objections on, you can prove him wrong. I suspect, however, that he just wants to keep you down and miserqble - as PP said, if you can thrive on your own what does it say about their shitty life choices?!?...

[Pinklemonade123]

I don't no what co dependant means il have to google that I've never been to meetings or any thing like that I do not drive. The talking therapy I started yesterday is the first type of help I've had in a long time. After a doctors appointment at the beginning of the year I was put on anti depressants, now only just found some that seem to be ok and do not make me feel worse. I don't think I am sane! I don't feel it anyway! This is why I feel like running away and being alone, I don't want the life I have or the one il get with my options so feeling hopeless xx I haven't spoken to my dad since he said all that i got very upset and told him to fuck off and haven't heard from him since. I've just had a long chat on the phone to my mum and I no she means well and does help now when she can but there's nothing she or anyone can do or say. Xxx

[Oliversmumsarmy]

If you stay in the same situation you know you will be very unhappy.

Whilst the alternative might seem dreadful things will get better. I put great store in being in charge of your own destiny. If you are unhappy then only you can change the situation.

A lot of my single friends say whilst it is hard as a single parent there is no one to share or delegate stuff to but the upside is if they want to go on holiday to Timbuktu or decide to stay out late with the kids they just make the decision and go rather than having to consult another person and think about their responses and get into a big debate.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

I think you don't actually understand your options yet.

So, first of all, find out the actual truth of what will happen if you split.

See a solicitor asap.

Do the child maintenance calculator online to see the minimum he has to pay for the children.

Go to the "entitled to" benefits checker to see how much you will get in benefits.

After you split up, he could still do the parenting when you work, same as you would do the parenting while he works. Although I expect you would both want to find alternative arrangements asap.

Do your own calculations of rent and bills to see what you can afford given all that.

You know your life now is wrong. You don't know yet what your new life would be like, it's all scaremongering from your dad, from him, from your own nervousness. Ignore them all. Do your own solid research.

[Pinklemonade123]

Thanks all. Yes your right I don't. I'm waiting for a call back from CAB hoping they can help over the phone, if not I know they will be around next week locally.
Il look now at what I'd be entitled to.
Xx

[hellsbellsmelons]

I'd feel awful if he did something silly or went back to his old ways
Why?
He is a grown man with his own mine.
If he wants to kill himself then he can ahead and do so.
It's not on you. It's all on him.
He wouldn't be so accommodating anyway.
It's all part of the manipulation and blackmail.
Don't fall for it.
His life, his decisions, his actions!

Judging by what your dad is saying, it's hardly surprising you've put up with it for so long.

As a lot of PP's have said,
CAB
Womens Aid
Al-anon
Child maintenance

I think you might be surprised how much you would be entitled to.
As it's your dads house, can you just kick your DH's sorry arse to the curb for now?
You need some headspace to think things through.

Not matter how trapped you feel there will be a way out.
And you need out and you need it soon.
This guy has knocked your self-esteem to floor and then trampled on it.
Time to pick yourself up and find the inner bitch and start getting yours and your DC lives sorted out with this vile, controlling, abusive bully around!
Time for you - take it and make it work - away from him and your ass or a dad if you can.

Could you move away - start again somewhere else entirely?