Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Wow. Where do I begin. WHAT is going on?!

(125 Posts)
SGx1x Mon 12-Sep-16 12:31:20

Ok... It's a long one please bare with me but I need some help.

I'm going to start from the top. I met a guy from Instagram. He is quite well known as he used to be a popular artists manager & he is still involved in that kind of lifestyle as he's part of a kind of group (not musically or anything they just have these groups all over the world). Anyway... He would contact me via dm & we spoke on & off for a few months.

We started to then talk over whatsapp. I live in London he lives in New York. I'm 26, but he's quite a youthful 40.

We would FaceTime a lot and at the start he was very sweet, caring. He would send me lovey dovey pictures & would open up to me. He was vary caring and would always contact me & really try to keep me happy. He said he wanted a relationship I said not until we meet each other but one thing led to another & we started to date. He was very sweet & taught me a lot even through a small time because of his demeanour and the things he had been through. I will say he is a tough guy & the way he speaks is sometimes intimidating. He would tell me I was the best woman to come into his life, because of the heart I have. He would say all these things about marriage kids etc etc etc. Let's just say he was very caring, if I didn't call he would call me & ask where I was. Check to see I was ok etc.

A little bit controlling, but at the time I thought it was sweet he asked me to download the find my friends app, so I could see where he was & he could see where I was. I now see this as controlling & not sweet, FYI.

He would always reassure me & let's say I told him to do something he would. I told him to delete 2 women from his Instagram which he did. No arguments he just did it.

I must say sometimes I can be quite shy & unwilling to send those kind of pictures or be overley sexual. It's not in my nature & I said after we meet I would be more open to pictures & stuff as we are in a LDR.

Following on about 4 weeks from speaking to him, I had already had a trip to nyc booked with a friend so had planned on meeting him. We met on the second day, we hung out, went to a hotel etc & had a good day. We then met again on the fourth day. He took me & my friend to the mall... Took us to a few places, we dropped her back to her hotel & went to another hotel & spent the night. The next day was the day we were leaving & our plane was to depart that evening. I collected my luggage and we picked up my friend. I went with him to his area, met his father which he said he wanted to & met some of his friends. I will say he is a part of a motorcycle type of movement (not the typical type of one - a very well known one). So he took me & my friend on the bikes as I had never experienced it & I met some of his friends. He was very sweet & would refer to me as "I'm with my girlfriend" or "dropping my girlfriend to the airport" when people would ring him. We said our goodbyes and said we would see each other soon.

Now on to the real! I added this separate as it's easier for me to explain. He was very critical of me at first I thought it was constructive but I don't think it was. "Why are you reapplying your make up" "stop playing with your hair" "why this" "why that". I also need to say he has a temper. A bad temper & sometimes I cannot get a word in edge ways because he shouts. I know it's in his nature, his past what he's dealt with. But i can't deal with that & have told him. We get into arguements a lot because of both him and me. I told him I'm not a pushover but sometimes I have no option but to be silent.
Onto my friend, my friend is very loud over the top knows she's sexy & was projecting this instead of being there for me... So she was getting all the attention from his friends over me & I wish I never introduced them. We had an arguement at the airport which I thought he didn't see but he did. I was so embarrassed & hurt by a lot of things. E.g I had a helmet on, it's nyc, hot my hair looked a mess when I got off the bike & my friend just flicked her hair & continued to look pretty. He looked at me and said "your hair is a disaster" I felt like shit. I felt like shit the whole trip. The worst is I think my friend saw him at the airport & continued to argue Infront of him.

On to the sex. I have my own issues and insecurities so I sometimes find it hard to be naked without any lingerie etc. He said I was to shy & make me take everything off I was so uncomfortable & horrified. He said I "do to much"

I know you think why do you even care for this guy? Because he can get any girl he wants due to his profession & chose me. He was very sweet always chasing me & making me feel wanted. I met his father, his friends... I know I'm not the best looking girl he's dated but that never bothered me until now & it hurts cos I feel like he's making me feel like that.

Anyway, I'm back in the UK he's back in NY. He told me to call him when I got to the airport, called him he said he heard me argue with my friend, if I was ok he said call him when I board. Called him many times no answer. I should say he said he liked it when I called a lot as it showed I cared, we used to FaceTime each other all the time, he used to call as much as me.
Anyway, he never answered. I texted him when I landed, he was sleeping at this time. No response until 10pm my time and 5pm his time. Said I hope you landed ok etc etc. The next day no contact. Called him after I finished work very brief contact.

I will say he is broke now, which doesn't matter to me as I'm not about a mans money. I have booked his flights & hotel to come and stay in 3 weeks time. He wants to take me to a few countries with meets in the future. He said when he comes he's going to meet some of the people of the group when he gets here, sometimes he jokes he's going to go alone but then would say, no in joking I'm taking you with me everywhere, you're my girl. He would joke about meeting other women here but stopped that.

Just before i was due to fly to NY he told me he had a music meeting with record execs in Turks & Caicos. Fine.

He had been online on whatsapp but was not contacting me. Third day was his day to fly, he sis the reason he doesn't answer my calls was because we argue to much, which I agree. He said he would call me when he got there.

He never contacted me until day 6 when I asked if everything was ok. Bare in mind he would go online on whatsapp in the evenings a few times & not contact me. He hadn't been on Instagram & said his wifi wasn't that good.

During this week I self reflected & agreed that I probably argue to much but because of stuff that he does, how he makes me feel.

When he returned. Bare in mind I had been tracking the supposed flight he was on which said he would land at 9pm. The next morning for me it was 9am & him 4am. He posted a picture on Instagram, I commented and he called me. I apologised to him for arguing and told him that we would not do it again.

Later on, the person from the record label commented "safe flight" on the picture hours after he posted it. I was like what??? If they paid for your flights and they brought you along why would he write that. For some reason I never brought it up. I got angry however, he followed fhe one of the two people I told him to unfollow. When I questioned him he said it was his IG...bullshit. I told him to unfollow her again and he did. But then I've found out he added the other one again.

He had another meet to attend this past weekend Friday, sat & Sunday.

He called me Friday. We spoke but he was getting ready. I told him to talk to me more as he wasn't really talking and he shouted saying "I'm getting ready! Wait on the phone or I'll call you back!" I waited for him, he got ready & left to get in his car. I thought you wanted me to wait so we could talk when you finished getting ready but now you gotta go? That was the last time I heard from him. He has been online on whatsapp both this past Saturday & Sunday. I know he's been busy at the meet but he's been online. He never contacted me & didn't answer my FaceTimes. Never sends me sweet pictures, just acts like he doesn't care.

He's been acting different. He ignores me. Distances from me. Rude when we talk. I want to talk to him. But I'm afraid of his temper. He's started to comment on other women's pictures again. He just acts like he doesn't care. I know he's not much of a phone person, never uses emojis, not good communication when he does etc. I know he's more of a face to face person but I'm hurt. We both told each other we loved each other, how does this happen? I know he's had women who have been there for him in the past, how do I show him that IM actually the good one. IM the one doing all the effort.

On Saturday, as he's always asking for videos or pictures. I sent him 2 seductive videos (strip kind of style) he viewed them & I still haven't heard from him - imagine how shit I feel!

Today, I know he's back to normal life no upcoming trips etc so I know he's free to talk. Do I contact him? If I don't will he think I don't care? Do I not contact him?

I don't know what to do..... He's coming here in 3 weeks. Do i wait for him to come & sort it out? Or do I cancel the whole trip, lose the money. What do I do?

I've been through a lot in my life. I've never had love & sometimes get attached. But now I can get unattached just as quick. I really cared about this guy, he's done things for me no man has before. But it's like he's taking it all away. I feel like I'm not good enough. What is his game?

Should I call him today or ignore him? Wait for him to call? Do I ask him why he's ignoring me even though I told him we won't have any arguments? I need urgent help as I don't know what to do.

JaneJeffer Mon 12-Sep-16 12:36:12

You know what to do.

horseygeorgie1 Mon 12-Sep-16 12:42:03

Cancel the trip, move on. This guy is not a decent man and he has used you. He sounds like an unpleasant person at best and a lot more besides.

Somerville Mon 12-Sep-16 12:45:02

Cancel the ticket.

Cancel your credit card if you ever gave him the number.

Block him from your phone, email and every form of social media.

Don't 'date' men you haven't met ever again.

Don't continue to communicate with men who criticise you in future.

Don't have relationships of any kind with 40 year olds who have a temper - if they haven't learned self control by that age, they never will.

I know you think why do you even care for this guy? Because he can get any girl he wants due to his profession & chose me.

He doesn't have a profession. He had a job, he's now broke. Ergo he is unemployed and was probably shit at his so-called job.

sorbetandcream1 Mon 12-Sep-16 12:45:56

There is only one answer here- break off all contact with him. Do not pay for his flights. He is not a good man. You deserve better. Take care and find yourself a good counsellor to help you learn to love yourself more. He does not deserve you. Take care.

Because he can get any girl he wants due to his profession & chose me.

Chose you to treat like shit. Move on, you're worth better

And yes, cancel the trip. You may even get some money back. But even if not, you won't have to spend another moment being unappreciated.

SoleBizzz Mon 12-Sep-16 12:53:26

Omg the guy used you. You need to cancel the flights and lose the money ir see if you can use the flights for a different date for you. Dump this utter shit bag.

justjuanmorebeer Mon 12-Sep-16 12:56:53

Never contact this man ever again and have a good think about why you ever got involved with this.

TwentyCups Mon 12-Sep-16 13:05:39

Wow. Forget this idiot. I really hate to say this but it sounds like he's had sex and lost interest (Nothibg you have done, I'm sure!).
He also sounds like an ignorant wanker. I imagine he does this to lots of women, so don't feel bad as I expect he is well practised at making women feel special. His temper is a huge red flag, and so are the arguments and him requesting sexual images which you weren't keen on doing/making you remove more clothes than you are comfortable with. Decent men do not do that.
As others have said, cancel the trip. You will find someone far nicer, with much less of an ego!

On another note, try to make up with your friend. If I went on a trip to New York (arranged before you met this man online) and my friend hijacked it to meet a new man/leave me alone in a hotel/ made me spend my days hanging out like a lemon with you both I would be furious. It would be a trip of a lifetime for me, and I would have felt like a spare part on a date. Please apologise to her, I'm sure she treats you better than this man has.

AnyFucker Mon 12-Sep-16 13:07:12

Dear God. You've been scammed. You are no more than a convenient cash dispenser as far as he is concerned. Find your self respect and don't let users like this into your life.

AnyFucker Mon 12-Sep-16 13:08:21

A nd for Christ's sake stop sending him the home made porn. God knows who he is sharing that with.

MatildaOfTuscany Mon 12-Sep-16 13:10:49

There's a phrase that sometimes gets used on here: more red flags than a communist party convention. This guy could deck out the whole of Tianamen square on Mayday. Cancel the tickets, cancel the credit card and run for the hills.

Lottapianos Mon 12-Sep-16 13:15:37

Exactly what AnyFucker said. Get your trainers on and run far away from this awful man. And I would seriously recommend professional support for you to examine why you got so involved with a man like this. That's not in any way a criticism - I've been in similar situations myself. You really need to work on your self esteem and your boundaries - life will become a lot more pleasant when you do.

BitchQueen90 Mon 12-Sep-16 13:17:39

Cancel it. Move on. He's not a good guy.

OP, I dated a guy in the media - mine was a reality TV star. I, like you, met him over social media and was flattered by the attention. He had tens of thousands of followers and I was the one he wanted. It can be very seductive when you're young.

I learnt a very hard lesson - these kind of men are used to getting what they want. The guy I went out with was arrogant, thought he was god's gift when he wasn't. He would go for days without contacting me but still be posting to his social media, picking me up and dropping me whenever he wanted.

You can do better. The lifestyle and his status might seem exciting but it's not worth sacrificing your self worth. Please, don't contact this man again. He sounds like a user.

"I've been through a lot in my life. I've never had love & sometimes get attached"

And you are still doing that now along with spending money on him sending this individual film of you (which doubtless is now in many and varied porn sites).

You need to now cancel any and all trips you have arranged for him; your own lack of boundaries and overt desperation to be loved and for love (from seemingly any man with a pulse) has put you really in a lot of shit here and he has used you to his own ends.

What did you learn about relationships whilst you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents set you?. I think there is an awful lot of stuff here that you need to unlearn through therapy. Love your own self for a change OP. Do not get romantically entangled or go on any more dating websites till you have sorted your own demons out.

timelytess Mon 12-Sep-16 13:28:47

Cut all ties with this man and protect yourself financially.

Then you write this up as a novel. At least you'll have gained something from the relationship.

LumpyMcBentface Mon 12-Sep-16 13:38:45

He's a scammy little pervert. Cut all ties.

SGx1x Mon 12-Sep-16 13:52:24

Thank you all for your replies. I guess I was blindsided. I'm wondering to FaceTime him today & say this:

"You get angry because I argue. Take a look at yourself and ask yourself why. Maybe you've had women in your past who are ok with you speaking to them like that but I'm not one of them. A whore will let you talk to them any kind of way & I am not that. You never asked me the reasons why I'm shy, if you cared you would of. You are used to getting what you want because of who you are. I gave you everything & more of what a good girlfriend should, but you focused on the wrong things. We both bleed the same red regardless of who you are. I have been through to much to be disrespected and lied to. You criticise me and I'm not ok with that. You are 40. You are a grown ass man. I cannot raise a man. You cannot raise your voice or temper at me. I don't deserve that. You will probably find 10 other women, but none of them would of come through for you like I did. If I said I'm not hurt that would be a lie. I miss the days we could talk for hours but how you make me feel is not the mark of a man who loves somebody. I may not be the best looking woman you been with or anything but I offered you so much more. I wanted you to come here so we could spend the time we needed with each other but I was never important enough for you. I am cancelling the trip" please give me anything else to say. It h ignores my call which I think he will how else do I say this. Thank you again for all your honest advice. I please want suggestions on what to say to make this guy know what a fool
He has been to me

Stillunexpected Mon 12-Sep-16 13:58:38

Don't message him. What do you think you will achieve by that? Just block him on all social media and cancel his flight. You may to get any money back but you should be able to get the taxes refunded. I'm sorry to say but I think when he went to Turks and Caicos he was probably enjoying a freebie trip provided by another deluded woman.

Considering it sounds like you have been messaging him for mere weeks, and only actually met him for two days, you have invested way too much time in this loser. Don't invest any more in him by sending this message.

plutoisnotaplanet Mon 12-Sep-16 13:59:06

I have never read an OP that I actually, physically skin-crawled at. I got proper creeps from this!

Perspective:

This Guy:
Negged you into thinking you're unattractive
Has such a bad temper you're SCARED of him
Doesn't communicate
Doesn't have a job
Has no money
Is much, much older than you
Has lied to you

Does he have a 10ft long vibrating dick you're not mentioning?

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move the fuck on.

Lottapianos Mon 12-Sep-16 13:59:37

No OP. Save your time and energy for something more useful. Block him from everything and get on with your life

Kr1stina Mon 12-Sep-16 14:02:30

Stop trying to change his mind about his behaviour. He's perfectly entitiled to act how he wants , as long as he's not breaking the law.

Tell him it's over and block him, as everyone has told you.

Then get some counselling to help you work out why you are acting in this self destructive way

Cisoff Mon 12-Sep-16 14:03:06

You have no reason to ever speak with him again.

If you want to have the last word, say nothing. Block him on everything. Everything.

Your silence will speak volumes.

Oh, and cancel the tickets.

Pagwatch Mon 12-Sep-16 14:06:49

Just stop. For gods sake.

user1473673684 Mon 12-Sep-16 14:07:01

Hi,

I'd definitely take out the "I may not be the best looking woman you been with or anything but I offered you so much more.". I'm guessing that you want him to know how you feel but to be honest from reading the original post I'm not sure he is going to care that much but I hope I'm wrong.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now