Am I in the wrong about shouting?

[PleaseStopShouting]

I will preface this by saying I do have mental health issues relating to a tough childhood. My parents were quite angry and hit me a bit more than was probably normal, and I grew up feeling afraid and thinking I was never good enough. I have had psychotherapy for this and take medication.

My son is 16 months old. My partner (his dad) also has depressive tendencies but I'm finding it hard to deal with the way he speaks to our boy. In fairness, our son is a bit difficult sometimes - won't lie still for a nappy change, throws his dinner about, throws toys, reasonably normal stuff I think.

My partner often reacts to this by shouting at him and swearing ("fucking stop it" and the like) and I've asked him again and again not to - I've got a bit of a potty mouth myself but I don't shout or swear at our son in anger.

My partner's argument is that he can't help it, and he's got to get his frustration out somehow - in his head it seems to be a choice between shouting or repressing all his feelings. I will add that we're not in danger, he has never hurt either of us.

I've tried asking him calmly, I've threatened to leave and not let him see our son, but nothing helps. I don't want him growing up like me - afraid of everyone and everything and basically feeling sub-human.

TL:DR - I don't know if I'm being over the top about this, if I'm letting my own sorry history affect my relationship with my boy's dad. What level of shouting is normal? How do I deal with this?

[DoreenLethal]

What level of shouting is normal?
Zero ideally. At that age, he is just a baby.
How do I deal with this?
LTB

My partner's argument is that he can't help it, and he's got to get his frustration out somehow
He is a baby not a football hooligan! No need to shout at a baby.

[Sassypants82]

I'm sorry, there's no excuse for shouting at a baby like that. Especially swearing. Its verbal abuse. Of course it'll negatively impact him. You cannot allow this.

[BifsWif]

Shouting at a baby is abuse.

Your son should not feel frightened of his father. He is a baby, it is your job to protect him.

You need to leave him.

[BlackVelvet1]

You are right, he is wrong.
The thing to do when one is exhausted and exsaperated by a baby is put the baby down in a safe place, leave the room to recollect and come back when you are calm again.

[ChicRock]

Shooting and swearing at a baby - he "can't help it".

Ok so presumably, because he "can't help it", he goes round shouting and swearing at everyone and anyone who annoys him - you, his boss, strangers on the street?

Or is it only his little baby son that he "can't help it" with?

[Haggisfish]

Sorry, agree with pp. what happens when ds hits toddler years and really starts pushing boundaries?

[PleaseStopShouting]

Argh. I was afraid this would be the consensus. I've got some thinking to do. You're right, there's various things he apparently "can't help".

He's now being all sweetness and light after I told him again not to shout this evening, so he knows something's afoot.

[Lookatyourwatchnow]

Fucking stop it?

Seriously?

I wouldn't let him mind my DC for ten minutes.

[MammouthTask]

I can understand that he is shouting if he has MH issues and is struggling with his frustration.
I cannot understand and agree that he just can't do anything about it and he 'can't help him'.

There is a very big difference between struggling and shouting and doing your best to change that and someone telling you that it's just the way it is.

And I say that as someone who had depression when DC was little so I was shouty etc....

[BifsWif]

You've got some thinking to do?

Maybe do that thinking alone, with your son, far away from the man who shouts and swears at him.

How will he get his 'frustration' out when your son hits terrible twos? Are you going to wait for his shouting to escalate? Seriously, put your baby first.

[QuiteLikely5]

Op

I think you are a great mother. Your instinct is kicking in and telling you that this is not the right way a baby /Toddler should be spoken to.

It sounds like you're a lot more intelligent than your partner and you genuinely want your child to have the best upbringing.

Keep on fighting for your child

[ChicRock]

Maybe your thinking should include how scary it must be for a baby (who is doing the normal baby thing of wriggling around during a nappy change) to have a grown man leaning over him shouting at him to "fucking stop it".

You know you can never leave this man alone with your baby, right?

[Iamthinking]

Your son doesn't sound difficult at all, he sounds bang on normal, and you are right that he shouldn't be getting shouted at, AT ALL. You will not get one, not a single one reply on this thread that says any different.

Babies are easy to stay calm with - it is later on that it is more difficult and how will he cope then??! He won't, I guarantee it. He does not stand a chance in hell.

So you are right to feel worried, you are not being over the top at all, your instincts are bang on.

[Rinoachicken]

My husband started like this 6 years ago with DS1. He was arrested a couple of weeks ago for domestic abuse after I finally got the courage to report it.

LTB. Your son and you deserve better.

[SandyY2K]

Swearing at a child in unacceptable abs this is a baby.

Of course babies wriggle around, that natural FGS.

My friend who teaches called a parent in because Her DS was getting into trouble and swearing persistently. His mum looked at him and said "what have I fu*ing told you about swearing".

It was obvious where he got it from.

You don't want that to be your DS in years to come.

Get serious, tell him to get hrlp for it or you'll be making tracks to leave.

[camichung]

You've got some really good answers here
Chicrock got it bang on

Maybe your thinking should include how scary it must be for a baby (who is doing the normal baby thing of wriggling around during a nappy change) to have a grown man leaning over him shouting at him to "fucking stop it".

You know you can never leave this man alone with your baby, right?

I really don't know what you have to think about really?

You're son is acting normal and I honestly feel so sorry for him. He must be terrified do the right thing and leave.

[TheLastRoseOfSummer]

Sandy That is sadly very common!

Yes, OP, you are right. Your son is behaving completely normally and your partner is a complete dick.

[MrsJayy]

He shouts at a baby so he feels better basically this is not on if he cant help it he needs help with his aggression mental health problems is no excuse to shout at a small child i do think if it was a woman he would get better understanding on here however he needs help asap