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(24 Posts)
1111Cleopatra Sat 20-Aug-16 00:02:57

So, my 'partner' of three years is currently going through the process of getting divorced. He doesn't pay anything towards his costs of living with me, but paying 40 % of his salary to his wife. His 21 years old DS is in full time education & his Dd & GS live in the family home. With his support due to low earnings. His wife doesn't work, they have been separated for over 4 years but due to her MH issues the divorce is taking a long time. Quite accidently I found out that he had over 70k savings. I am a high earner, he is a high earner. Although I own my home & my 2 x school age children live with me 80% of,the time, should he be contributing to his living expenses & if,so,how much? I'm finding it very difficult to bring up as he is so lovely, kind & caring, yet since I found out that he had so much savings & I have been struggling to pay the bills I am feeling put out. How do I approach him& ask him to contribute when he hasn't contributed for two years? What reason can I give? My children are in private education & their father doesn't contribute but I think my partner thinks this is a good enough reason not to contribute himself. But because of all my out goings I have no money for holidays & clothes etc. am I right in thinking that he should contribute to his expenses, or should I continue to keep him until his divorce is through, I wouldn't want to do divert any money from his adult children. What I am asking is am I right now is asking him to contribute, what should,he be contributing to & how do I go about asking him to contribute, when I have been keeping him for so long?

Hillfarmer Sat 20-Aug-16 00:09:57

The short answer is yes of course he should be making a contribution. Do you mean to tell us that he has never even offered in 2 years?

Also, if he is giving his wife 40per cent of his sizeable earnings, then what's he doing with the other 60 per cent.

If this man hasn't offered to make a regular contribution to bills and food and outgoings, then I question whether he is a decent person or actually someone who is rude as well as mean.

redisthenewblack Sat 20-Aug-16 00:14:04

I don't understand where you thought the rest of his income was going if you knew 40% goes to his children and he contributes nothing to you, surely you would understand that 60% of his income was going into savings. (unless he has an unfavourable habit such as drugs or gambling). Surely you must have known he had a large amount of savings?

Why does your children's father not contribute?

Why did you not discuss with you partner what he would contribute each month before he moved in with you?

To be honest, after 2 years of sponging off you, and you struggling to make ends meet, I'd not be going for the 'polite approach'. I'd be insisting he pays his way, divorce sorted or not.

You do realise that she will be entitled to way more than half of everything he has since she has been bringing up the children. Maybe now is a good time to 'bill him' for the years he's lived with you, used your utilities and eaten your food so you can benefit from some of his savings.

jenpatnim Sat 20-Aug-16 00:16:21

Sit him down and tell him you need to discuss finances. You know he contributes to his children but he has to support himself as well and you can't keep doing it.

Show him a basic breakdown of costs - mortgage/rent, heating, electric, tv/broadband, groceries. Ask him to pay his share - 50/50 or if you're being kind, a ratio that reflects the fact that your children live there and are your sole responsibility.

redisthenewblack Sat 20-Aug-16 00:34:24

I'm also interested in why you call him your 'partner' not partner. Are there other issues? Does he seem like a lodger rather than a partner?

FreeFromHarm Sat 20-Aug-16 00:50:36

with his divorce those savings will have to be split with the xw, he will have to disclose truthfully he is not paying you anything at your property

redisthenewblack Sat 20-Aug-16 02:35:02

Free If the OP 'bills' him for the length of time he's spent at her property expense free, would this maybe reduce the amount the ExW can claim? and also get the OP some of her expenses back?

My divorce was very straightforward as we had no assets at all so I'm not entirely sure how that would work.

I do know the ExW would be entitled to a HUGE amount of his savings if she's been bringing up the DC in the 'family' home since the separation, especially if she has a joint account with him.

OP, are there any arrangements re. the property? Does the ExW have a social/support worker who you can speak to re. financial arrangements if her MH issues are so bad it's taken 4 years to divorce him? (for context, I have MH issues and am on medication. My divorce has gone through in 4 months! hmm'

This all sounds very complicated and like there has been a severe lack of communication....

GodImbored Sat 20-Aug-16 07:14:36

Eh? Why on earth is he living entirely for free with you? You say you are 'keeping' him. You must be mad and where is his self-respect?

You need to raise it and tell the truth, that you are struggling to pay the bills. His divorce is a separate matter. He should be making a contribution to all bills and food and all living expenses.

Are you starting to resent him for this?

1111Cleopatra Sat 20-Aug-16 08:05:05

Thank you for your advice. My ex is unemployed due to illness and is living with his parents so can't contribute.. I'm very fortunate that I own my home with no mortgage, I think I am just fed up because we haven't had a holiday this year and I'm tired of shouldering all the financial responsibility. I think you are right in that he should be paying now, his wife is a lovely lady and I wouldn't want her to be financially worse off by billing him for the past two years, but I think he can pay a small amount now I know he is financially okay too. Now for the talk! Thank you once again ladies for the advice.

Cabrinha Sat 20-Aug-16 08:18:49

Unless you had an explicit discussion about him living off you for TWO YEARS and there's some reason why that was ever acceptable...

Don't even bother working out a split.
Just dump him.

I am absolutely serious.

No good will come of a relationship with a selfish man. What a user!

Why have you put up with this for 2 years?!

I am hmm at divorce taking 4 years, too. There's a story behind that, and it's not her MH I bet.

FreeFromHarm Sat 20-Aug-16 09:30:28

I agree , so many red flags here

Horsemad Sat 20-Aug-16 09:35:24

So he doesn't live with you then? confused

Horsemad Sat 20-Aug-16 09:36:04

Oops, misread, sorry!

Missgraeme Sat 20-Aug-16 09:42:51

If he has 60%left then you should be getting 30%surely?

hollyisalovelyname Sat 20-Aug-16 09:54:46

OP you say 'he is lovely, kind and caring' yet he has sponged off you for some years.
Love is blind.

GodImbored Sat 20-Aug-16 09:55:08

Yes I was going to say dump him too. He's not suddenly going to become generous and pay his fair share is he? What a freeloader.

hollyisalovelyname Sat 20-Aug-16 10:20:51

I learned a new word on Mumsnet:
Cocklodger.
OP ask yourself is your partner one.

whostolethesocks Sun 21-Aug-16 19:00:00

I've been in this situation too. I brought it up on several occasions and nothing changed. I became more and more frustrated. I finally ended it. Embarrassed to say it took me longer.

pasic Sun 21-Aug-16 19:26:00

Well yes holly, he's what the term cocklodger was invented for.

Where's his self respect? He's a parasite.

Poshsausage Sun 21-Aug-16 20:01:14

Just wow
This is so not on
Even my own son paid rent

PickAChew Sun 21-Aug-16 20:08:41

If he was single, he'd have to pay his own living expenses.

He's taking the piss expecting you to cough up for everything.

AnxietySertraline Sun 21-Aug-16 21:55:43

LTB

stitchglitched Sun 21-Aug-16 22:00:04

Of course he should be contributing! But tbh you are a fool for keeping him for 2 years when you have kids to support and you are struggling. What on earth were you thinking.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Aug-16 22:09:47

You have been played, big time.

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