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Reassurance and opinions please.

(12 Posts)
mortonstoe Wed 17-Aug-16 00:08:19

I'm not really sure why I'm posting, somebody once told me it might be good to get an outsiders point of view, my marriage is over, together twelve years, married six, we have two dcs. I'm unsure how it even really ended, sometime last year I was in a car accident, he wouldn't collect me from the scene, when I got home he was asleep in bed, he didn't even care enough to see was I ok. I then started cleaning the house with one of the dc, I found a bag of sex toys, I mean my child could have found it. I decided not to say anything as I didn't want to ruin Christmas. A few days later then he said he wanted to talk about money, he then roared at me saying he had gone through all my bank statements and I wasn't contributing enough to the joint account, he was completely enraged. We have always kept our finances seperately, we have a set amount we pay to cover mortgage and house bills, what's left is theoretically our own. It's never very much, I literally buy nothing for myself. We pay evenly in theory, although often he pays a lot less as he is self employed and money isn't fluid. I would never look through his statements, he has history of going through mine and also going through my phone messages. He knows this is an invasion of my privacy. I had also just lent him four grand on my credit card for his business when no bank would touch him. I did this to keep him going, for our dcs sake and because he was my partner. This argument rumbled along for a while, and in the heat of an argument I called it, I told him we would be separating. He told me if it wasn't for the fact our dc were in the house he would drag me out by the hair. He has never tried to say he never wanted to seperate. A few weeks later I was tidying the house and I found a handwritten list of escorts with their price lists on the floor of his bedroom, initially he denied it, then said he was only daydreaming etc,. I should say his libido has always been higher than mine and he has always had a very high porn use, I suppose this left me with low self esteem, I never felt attractive, I'm after two dcs, and I work full time, he would have liked more intimacy and I did make the effort but it never seemed enough, and I always felt pressure. I have also found evidence of drug use in the house, where the dc could have found it. He is now putting pressure on me to hurry up and move. I will have somewhere to move with the dcs but not for another few months. We did try counselling two years ago but he only really heard what he wanted to hear. Thanks for reading. I'm interested to hear anybody's opinion on it. I'm so heartbroken. I never thought I would be in this position. I have some very dark and depressed weeks where I literally wish I were dead, sometimes I would give anything not to be me for a while, just for a mental break.

BurningBridges Wed 17-Aug-16 00:37:27

Who owns the house, why are you moving out instead of him? He's been abusive - how old are DCs? Have you tried Women's Aid? You don't deserve this, he's an arsehole.

mortonstoe Wed 17-Aug-16 00:50:23

I'm moving because he's refusing to. I don't want the dcs to remember us hating each other. They're 7 and 4. The house is in both our names, it's not worth the value of the mortgage so it's not worth selling yet, I haven't tried women's aid as he hasn't been physically abusive. To be honest I feel like a right fool reading back over my post. It looks bad in black and white. Think my emotions are so all over the place that I haven't been able to see things properly.

BurningBridges Wed 17-Aug-16 01:04:29

He is definitely abusing you - it doesn't have to be physical. I hope someone more knowledgeable will be along in a minute but you need legal advice ASAP.

Neome Wed 17-Aug-16 01:12:25

0808 2000 247 is 24 hour helpline. Do phone, they were a big help to me a few years ago. Also the Samaritans 116 123.

Good luck and hugs.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Wed 17-Aug-16 01:23:35

God he sounds awful. Glad you're separating and TBH a new start in a new house might be for the best for you and the DCs.

You will also be entitled to more financial help if you're renting, so that might also be a good thing.

You will probably start to notice even more ways in which he was an arsehole. Things you didn't even realise at the time were out of order. Good luck for your new life, you will come out of the other side of this stronger and happier. There will be tough times and you will have to grieve, not for the shitty partner he was, but for the fantasy relationship you wish you had.

But I promise you, life without a man like this is so much better! Your DCs will adjust as long as you are both putting them first. If your H doesn't prioritise them then you will have to try even harder to keep them happy and stable, but kids are resilient and can get used to a new situation if it is presented as not being a big deal.

mortonstoe Wed 17-Aug-16 01:31:46

Thanks so much for all your input and opinions. It's has definitely helped. Actually, I'm blown away, I have often questioned if I'm doing the right thing, but he has never expressed any interest in reconciliation. I don't talk to too many people in real life, I live in a small town and I don't want too much gossip. You have really helped me, more than you all know.

Madinche1sea Wed 17-Aug-16 01:58:55

God OP. I am so sorry. He sounds utterly vile. And now he expects you to move out with the children - not him?!

Do you have any family or friends who could support you? Not sure what country you're in, but you could ring Women's Aid for advice on where you stand legally with the house and finances. Or try the numbers Neome gives above.

Sorry I don't have much experience about this kind of thing, but there are many on MN who do. Hopefully they'll come along soon.

Wishing you all the best in this horrendous situation flowers

MarkRuffaloCrumble Wed 17-Aug-16 21:55:49

Keep on posting here, there are so many of us who have been in crappy relationships and now live a happy life having LTB! I couldn't have done it without the support and advice of MNers so I hope that I can help in some small way flowers

MarkRuffaloCrumble Wed 17-Aug-16 21:56:07

Keep on posting here, there are so many of us who have been in crappy relationships and now live a happy life having LTB! I couldn't have done it without the support and advice of MNers so I hope that I can help you to do the same in some small way flowers

MarkRuffaloCrumble Wed 17-Aug-16 21:56:35

Sorry for double post, it said post had failed!

SystemAticcally Wed 17-Aug-16 23:12:44

You do not need to stay with someone like this.

Keep interactions to a minimum. In your mind, he should not even exist. Focus on the future and build the next chapters of your life.

Think about how exciting it's going to be.

Devise a plan, a checklist with small and big things to do every week.

This way, you can cross them out and feel a sense of achievement. This in turn will give you back your self esteem and happiness because you are back in control.

Coopt trusted friends and family to help you out.

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