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New relationship and not wanting to unsettle my children

(9 Posts)
Suffdad79 Sun 14-Aug-16 22:49:13

3 years after splitting with my ex-wife, I've found myself in a serious relationship which is going places. I have a son and a daughter (ds is 8, dd is 10) and they have met my new lady a couple of times. Most recently, we all went out for the day - she has a 4 year old son - and it went very well, which was a massive relief and a good omen I hope.
My cause for concern is that, for 3 years, my children have had me all to themselves. If I have been 'hanging out' with other grown-ups (shout out to Tinder et al!), it has not been around my children at all.
The upshot is that for 3 years we've done everything as a trio - holidays, domestic stuff, day trips, road trips, you name it. How can I make the transition to me having someone else important in my life and not cause problems for the kids and for the new girlfriend?

Muddlingthroughtoo Sun 14-Aug-16 22:56:21

Well done on not just inviting anyone into your life. I hear so often about new partners being introduced straight away. I think you'll have to sit them down for a chat, explain your feelings towards new lady. Explain that you are still 100% there for them too and make sure you prove that by also spending time with just them.

whambamthankyoumaam Sun 14-Aug-16 23:02:00

It's lovely you are concerned and shows what a great parent you are! I think that children are very good at adapting, but as Muddlingthrough says, it might be worth talking to them about it. Telling them they can ask you any questions at any time, and that they know you love them and always will. I think you'll be surprised how well they adapt to your new life smile

HappyJanuary Sun 14-Aug-16 23:36:35

I think you need a few day trips with your new gf that are so much fun that from then on they will be begging you to include her.

Every time you want to invite her, ask them for their opinion. Let them think it was their choice. Provide opportunities for you to still do things as a three.

Suffdad79 Mon 15-Aug-16 16:16:18

Thanks, it's all good advice. Like with all these things, it's easy to start over-thinking!

Cabrinha Mon 15-Aug-16 17:03:33

As long as you don't just drop all trio stuff immediately, you'll be fine!
I've been with my boyfriend for a year now, first summer holiday next week. Rented villa - he's out for 10 days with his kids, I will join him with mine for the second 5 only. Frustrating for me wink but best for the kids!

Dozer Mon 15-Aug-16 17:06:48

How long have you been with your gf? Do you live with your DC?

Suffdad79 Thu 18-Aug-16 17:39:41

My children live with me for about a third of the time which is great as I still get to do the normal stuff with them - the 'boring' stuff that all the full time parents probably take for granted but that I love as I don't want to completely miss out on being a father.
It's only been a matter of months but we have moved in the same circles for years and we seem to fit together really well. The kids seem cool with it but obviously kids don't always say what's really going on and I don't want to disrupt the good thing the 3 of us have had this last 3 years. Their mother was with a new guy within two months and then she's had a kid with him, moved in with him etc. So I have tried my hardest to be the steady point for them where things aren't always changing at breakneck speed.

Cary2012 Thu 18-Aug-16 18:06:19

You are very thoughtful, it warms the cockles of this old cynic's heart to see that there are thoughtful dads out there. I would tell your kids that there is someone in your life, and you would like them to meet her. Include her, just occasionally, to start with, in the fun things you do. Also do stuff with just them. As long as they know that they haven't slipped down in the pecking order, they'll be fine. Happy dad, equals happy kids. They are very adaptable, more so than us. As long as there is no occasion for them to feel sidelined by your lady, the'll be fine.

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