I've been with my partner for 11 years. We have 2 DC together. We also have imo a lot of issues and a very unhealthy relationship. He has a long history of drug use mostly skunk and cocaine although he (says) he hasnt done the latter since our youngest DC was born a few year back. At the time he was horrible to me. I didnt know he was on it again (he'd sworn he'd stopped when i was pregnant with our first and not touched it since) so couldnt understand why he was so nasty and vicious to me. For example telling me 3 days after i had our son that i am a useless pathetic mess and our children would be better off if I killed myself. I think I had been tired and messed up the feeds Id made and cried about it. I guess in hindsight he having some kind of come down at the times he was like that. I am not excusing it. all these years later it still hurts.
He has had numerous times sworn he has never cheated even tho his behaviour with other women tells me otherwise. secret messaging, going round another woman's house to do drugs and taking her out while i was pregnant that sort of thing. he's done it other times too. I wont go into that too much here though unless asked because despite the pain the humiliation i felt at the time i simply dont care if he shags someone else anymore. And at one time i loved him so much i thought i would cease to exist without him. I loved him since i was a teenager (he is 10 years older).
which sort of brings me to my next point. Altho he has never ever beaten me up he has done other things which at time scared me and then made me feel utterly stupid and pathetic for being so upset. Things like locking me and him in our bedroom when i upset with him to "make me listen". I wasnt allowed to leave til i "calmed down" not easy when youre hysterical and hes locked the windows too just incase. he's also got credit cards and catalogues out in my name without talking to me first. i found out and was cross and... i dont know. he made me feel so stupid about being angry with him for doing it behind my back. i just accepted it. and now there is £1000s of debt in my name and my name alone. I have a limited education (neglected during my childhood no one gave a shit if I didnt go to school so i generally didnt go) and all the jobs i have had have been NMW ones. no shame in that but it's harder to get those nowadays with kids in tow. whenever i have talked about doing something to better myself in that way he laughs at me and tells me its pointless.
He has sex with me when I'm asleep occasionally. As in, I will wake up and he will be inside me. I used to go mad. Now I just wait for him to finish and am grateful he dont last long. He gets in such a shitty mood when he is rejected I find my day goes much better if I simply stfu. He used to act like this was normal and be all lovey dovey with me. Now he rolls off cleans up and checks his phone or whatever and we dont speak.I dont think he wants me around either.
I know how this sounds. I know I come across pathetic and stupid. I'm quite forthright to the rest of the world I think but with him I feel worn down, resentful and sad. Only now the sadness has turned to anger. its been gradual over time i think but now i feel like i hit my limit. I want out. I have tried to leave before and he has either frightened me into staying ("I will take the kids") or guilted me into it (attempted suicide). I'm terrified now but the urge to get out is so strong. My late teens and 20's have been wasted on this mess I am in (my lovely DC aside) and I dont want my DC to look at this and think this is ok. Its not. I will be devastated if they end like me.
I dont know what to do though. I have no money of my own, shit tonne of debt and no close family or friends. we moved away from them all coz he wanted a clean break/fresh start to get off the drugs. They all think hes fucking great btw. whenever anyone tells me how lucky i am i want to scream that he isnt. The house we are currently in I am not on the tenancy for and i cant afford it on my own anyway. If anyone can give me any advice I would much appreciate it but I am prepared to be told I'm a twat for ending up in this sorry mess. also sorry for any typos and things. I am shaking typing this out and frightened I will be "found out" writing on here even tho I have tried to be as vague as possible and left some things out.
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want to get out for good this time
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user1470781451 · 11/08/2016 20:54
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