want to get out for good this time

[user1470781451]

I've been with my partner for 11 years. We have 2 DC together. We also have imo a lot of issues and a very unhealthy relationship. He has a long history of drug use mostly skunk and cocaine although he (says) he hasnt done the latter since our youngest DC was born a few year back. At the time he was horrible to me. I didnt know he was on it again (he'd sworn he'd stopped when i was pregnant with our first and not touched it since) so couldnt understand why he was so nasty and vicious to me. For example telling me 3 days after i had our son that i am a useless pathetic mess and our children would be better off if I killed myself. I think I had been tired and messed up the feeds Id made and cried about it. I guess in hindsight he having some kind of come down at the times he was like that. I am not excusing it. all these years later it still hurts.

He has had numerous times sworn he has never cheated even tho his behaviour with other women tells me otherwise. secret messaging, going round another woman's house to do drugs and taking her out while i was pregnant that sort of thing. he's done it other times too. I wont go into that too much here though unless asked because despite the pain the humiliation i felt at the time i simply dont care if he shags someone else anymore. And at one time i loved him so much i thought i would cease to exist without him. I loved him since i was a teenager (he is 10 years older).

which sort of brings me to my next point. Altho he has never ever beaten me up he has done other things which at time scared me and then made me feel utterly stupid and pathetic for being so upset. Things like locking me and him in our bedroom when i upset with him to "make me listen". I wasnt allowed to leave til i "calmed down" not easy when youre hysterical and hes locked the windows too just incase. he's also got credit cards and catalogues out in my name without talking to me first. i found out and was cross and... i dont know. he made me feel so stupid about being angry with him for doing it behind my back. i just accepted it. and now there is £1000s of debt in my name and my name alone. I have a limited education (neglected during my childhood no one gave a shit if I didnt go to school so i generally didnt go) and all the jobs i have had have been NMW ones. no shame in that but it's harder to get those nowadays with kids in tow. whenever i have talked about doing something to better myself in that way he laughs at me and tells me its pointless.

He has sex with me when I'm asleep occasionally. As in, I will wake up and he will be inside me. I used to go mad. Now I just wait for him to finish and am grateful he dont last long. He gets in such a shitty mood when he is rejected I find my day goes much better if I simply stfu. He used to act like this was normal and be all lovey dovey with me. Now he rolls off cleans up and checks his phone or whatever and we dont speak.I dont think he wants me around either.

I know how this sounds. I know I come across pathetic and stupid. I'm quite forthright to the rest of the world I think but with him I feel worn down, resentful and sad. Only now the sadness has turned to anger. its been gradual over time i think but now i feel like i hit my limit. I want out. I have tried to leave before and he has either frightened me into staying ("I will take the kids") or guilted me into it (attempted suicide). I'm terrified now but the urge to get out is so strong. My late teens and 20's have been wasted on this mess I am in (my lovely DC aside) and I dont want my DC to look at this and think this is ok. Its not. I will be devastated if they end like me.

I dont know what to do though. I have no money of my own, shit tonne of debt and no close family or friends. we moved away from them all coz he wanted a clean break/fresh start to get off the drugs. They all think hes fucking great btw. whenever anyone tells me how lucky i am i want to scream that he isnt. The house we are currently in I am not on the tenancy for and i cant afford it on my own anyway. If anyone can give me any advice I would much appreciate it but I am prepared to be told I'm a twat for ending up in this sorry mess. also sorry for any typos and things. I am shaking typing this out and frightened I will be "found out" writing on here even tho I have tried to be as vague as possible and left some things out.

[Cary2012]

You are not a twat. You write really well for someone with a limited education. You are not worthless. I am utterly appalled that you are so broken that you accept him having sex with you whilst you sleep. Obviously, you need to leave this utter waste of space. Other posters will have more info. I would suggest telling all this to Woman's aid, because you are abused. There's a fight in you, it's in your post, nurture that lovely, it's going to get you and your little ones to a better place.

[WTFisThisShit]

I feel your pain OP, I'm in a similar situation although not quite as bad but I could have written a lot of your post. I hope you find the courage to leave, I'm trying to build mine up

[RandomMess]

I think you need to speak to Woman's Aid.

It's like you can get the debt sorted via minimum payments as you will never be able to repay them - speak to one of the debt charities.

Seriously though WA will help you leave and help you set up on your feet again.

[user1470781451]

Thank you cary for your kind words they themselves help a lot. and WTF good luck with your situation.

[Resilience16]

You are not pathetic or stupid. You are not to blame here. Your partner is abusive. He verbally abuses you. He emotionally abuses you and he physically abuses you. Having sex with you when you are asleep is rape.
Please start to make plans to leave. Speak to Women's Aid, they can give you practical advice. Also CAB can give you benefits advice.
You haven't wasted your teens and 20s if you learn from it, get out and move on. The longer you stay, the more you will get ground down and believe him when he tells you you're shit.
You know this relationship is toxic.You need to get your courage together and get away. Yes it will be scary making the break but believe me, once you are out of it and look back you will wonder why you put up with his crap for so long.
You and your kids really do deserve better. You have been really brave posting on here, putting it all down in black and white helps it all seem more real and is your first step in acknowledging things need to (and can) change. You can do it.
Hug for you x

[user1470781451]

Do you think WA would be able to help? I'm worried that they will tell me its not that bad and i will end up staying where i am coz it feels there is no way out. I been told its all in my own messed up head so many times i have to pinch myself sometimes to convince myself its real.

[Cary2012]

Yes, they will help. CAB will help. You've been bullied into thinking it's your fault, that's his agenda. It isn't your fault. Call them, read them your opening post if you're nervous. WA is there for you. So many women avoid WA because they think they don't 'deserve' them. Let them be the judge of that.

[rollmeover]

Oh my, this is one of the worst things I have ever read on here. Your partner is emotionally, sexually and financially abusive. Please speak to woman's aid, your GP or Health Visitor, Rape Crisis, Citizens Advice or a friend. Write it down and hand it over if you don't think you can say the words.
You sound like an amazing woman and you need to get out, please, please get out.

[user1470781451]

I will call them I think. I just have to wait til I am alone which isnt easy in this house especially during the holidays. I am terrified of ruining my kids lives. making theirs worse and i think maybe thats why i stayed too. But its got to a point i cant do that anymore. even though they might not see him anymore. He always said he wouldnt ever be a "part time dad" only "full time". He might walk away forever and this selfish voice in the back of my head says "i still cant do this anymore". But then he also says he will take them from me as I am mentally unstable (long history of depression) and hes better with them.

[Resilience16]

Please do call them if you don't get through the first time keep trying, they get busy and it can take a few attempts.
Your kids would surely be better off with one happier parent rather than one which is abused and terrified and one who bullies and abuses.They will be picking up on the abuse even if they are only young.You are doing the right thing to get them away from that, you are not being selfish.
Don't believe the shit he tells you. It is all about trying to control you and manipulate you.
CAB will be able to give you debt advice. Your local surestart centre (if you have one) might have someone who deals with domestic abuse too.
Do you have anyone in real life (family/friends) who you can confide in for support? You have our support on MN too.

[Cary2012]

WA first, then CAB, then debt stuff. Take the first step, you are worth it, and so are your kids. Believe us and not him. Take that first step and it will all fall into place.

[user1470781451]

No I dont really have anyone I can talk to about this no one close enough. I will call WA I not really had a chance to yet between his work hours and my eldest DC having ears like a bat (she hears everything) it's not been possible yet.

Thank you though all of you it's helped to write it down and more so for someone to read it and say "youre not overreacting" coz I spent so many years being told I need to stop holding onto the past and stop holding grudges. I cant seem to let go though. I dont go on about it all the time but sometimes it all bubbles up and I get upset about the past and he gets so angry with me...