Cousin has cheated on DH's best friend

[HolaWeenie]

DH's closest pal (let's call him John) of 25yrs was introduced to my cousin (let's call her Jane) and have been together for 7yrs, I've been with DH for 15yrs. Jane and I are the same age and we've grown up together (close family), when we were teenagers our lives moved in different directions, 8yrs ago she moved closer to me and didn't have any friends in the area, we started socialising and now share the same circle of friends.

Yesterday at 6am DH gets a phone call from john to say he's found out Jane has been cheating.

John and Jane have just spent two years paying off Janes debt so they could buy a family home and just last month moved into that family home. The plan was to try for a baby at the end of the year. Jane and I had very in depth discussions about conceiving, weddings, even the church she wanted to book and the venue, dress details, everything! I could hear her biological clock ticking every time I saw her, she would say how desperate she is to start trying as we are mid 30s.

Jane has been seeing someone from work for a while (unsure of exact timelines, johns not ready to divulge and we're not pushing) but hotel rooms have been booked etc.

John came to us yesterday as can't bear to be in their house, he stayed and has basically got an open invitation to stay for as long as he needs. He's got a zero tolerance policy to cheating, and isn't even entertaining talking to Jane. Janes family my aunt and uncle have sent messages to John to apologise and say they're ashamed of Jane and hope he's ok etc.

I'm the same as John, zero tolerance policy, but Jane is my cousin and good friend. She's a fucking idiot and I want to shake and shout at her. Morally I don't want to reach out to her, but I feel my family tie to her should override all that. I don't want to betray John, he's so fragile and has obviously found sanctuary with DH and I, I don't want to do something that will jeopardise that and make his clam up or avoid us and suffer on his own.

Has anyone got any words of wisdom!?

[ImperialBlether]

She's behaved appallingly, though, hasn't she? It's not just the affair, it's having him pay off her debt, knowing she was cheating on him. Really horrible.

Perhaps see her on her own, meet up for coffee, and just don't say anything about it to her partner?

[HolaWeenie]

They worked to pay off the debt together, he moved in with her and helped, it took them a long time. I'm of the belief that it happened after that, I don't think the affair spans years, it might just be late 2015 up to now.

She has behaved appallingly, I detest cheats having been on the receiving end myself.

It's just that I'm well aware that life goes on, 6m time they could be back together!? 2yrs time John and Jane could have separate partners and be happier than ever, and I don't want to lose my cousin.

Would a message that reads "I'm sad for what has happened, I love you both, and need to stay neutral" be ok!?

[Cabrinha]

Sometimes, the best option is to say nothing, do nothing.
Why do you need to speak to Jane?
Why not let her feel your disapproval through silence, which doesn't actual require you to articulate anything set in stone about sides?

Maybe Jane is just a selfish using bitch.

Maybe John is actually a total arsehole to live with. Please don't think I'm condoning her affair - my XH cheated on me, if you're not happy, get out, don't cheat. But you may not wish to side with John if it turns out he was an arsehole.

I disagree with the word "neutral". If one person is in the wrong and one is in the right, and you choose not to take a side, that's actually not neutral in my eyes - it's siding with the one who behaved badly. Because by staying so called neutral you have accepted their bad behaviour. That's fine to decide not to get involved, but don't think that makes you neutral!

Personally I would do nothing and see how the land lies in a couple if weeks time.

[JayDot500]

I'm very close to my cousins and I know why you'd not want to lose her. To be honest I don't believe that meeting with her equates to an approval of her behaviour.

Have you spoken to your DH about meeting with her? Family or not, I'd dump her if her attitude lacked remorse as that'd be disgusting beyond words. Maybe what you should do is first have a chat with your aunty to see what happening on her side.