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Please help, my partner is completely and utterly useless!

(20 Posts)
Babylionn2 Fri 29-Jul-16 20:33:57

Needing to vent about my completely useless partner, reached the end of my tether.

Been in a relationship for 7 years, very charming at the beginning but I've let go of a few situations that should've rang alarm bells ie accusing me of cheating on him multiple times , he himself cheating on me, history with swingers (each to their own but that lifestyle is not my cup of tea at all and repulses me).

However things seemed to look up when we had our first child. Things did go on that I wasn't too pleased about such as constant gambling and drinking.

These things have gone from bad to worse gambling everyday his whole wages gets spent on horse racing and roulette, drinking every day does nothing around the house as he seems entitled to the fact that because he's done a days work I have to take on all of the childcare duties as well as keep the house tidy and make his meals while he doesn't lift a finger instead a drinks plays computer or gambles. All the while I'm raising my child, doing a college course and working part time (he doesn't like me working at weekends mainly because he then has to take on childcare duties and this stops him from doing what he wants ie drinking and gambling, may I mention that childcare includes both our child and his own child from a previous relationship, it is me who mainly looks after her).

We both have recently lost a child which is still a very raw and emotional time for me, I have been off my work. He expects me to fulfill his sexual needs, not sex he just wants a blow job every night. No effort to make me feel wanted just his own selfish needs!! It makes me so angry!!! I am off anything sexual anyway but mainly because I cannot stand him.

Why am I still with this man may you ask? Honestly have no idea, he can turn on the charm and be nice when he wants to be but still would spend every penny gambling never mind paying off essential bills and means for us to live as a family.

He frequently complains that I bore him as the only contribution I have to conversation is what we need in the house and setting rules about when our child goes to bed. He is just not interested in doing anything as a family unless it benefits him.

He drinks in front of the children and even when I am away trying to make money that I constantly have to hide from him so I can at least have some means to live on.

I just don't know what to do, I feel ashamed to tell my family, his family are well aware but are only interested in me keeping him away from them, just tell me to leave him but how when I have no where to go.

He demands constant attention and takes medication for anxiety and depression, makes me feel like I'm a bad person if I don't look after him or that I'm a bad parent for complaining that I do everything for the kids (even tho he does fuck all!!!)

It's not a future I want to see myself in.

But he was so supportive to me in both my births (the recent stillbirth included) it's like he has a split personality. !!!!

What do I do, I feel trapped in a relationship with someone who truly doesn't value me and is bored of me doesn't want to have the normal family life
That I desperately crave.
He could read this and still spin himself to be the good guy and me the unreasonable one.

I am currently sat with his kids in the house while he is in bed watching football and drinking and gambling while not interacting with them even his child who he hasn't seen for days.

I had tried withdrawing money from him but he reacts in a volatile way I often give in as I don't want him causing a scene in front of the kids. I know I am enabling him but it's too difficult for me, especially as I am still experiencing grief from my lost baby.

ivykaty44 Fri 29-Jul-16 20:38:36

He goes swinging, gambling g & drinking - what are his good attributes then?

So far I would want to change the locks and put his bags in the front step

Babylionn2 Fri 29-Jul-16 20:43:17

The swinging doesn't happen anymore that was before me and slightly at the start , but the gambling and drinking does, honestly that is a tempting suggestion, he just has a way of making me feel sorry for him I can't explain it. The fact the relationship has gone on for so long doesn't help I was only 19 at the start with not the best head on me for making life choices but while I've grown up it seems like he has not.

Costacoffeeplease Fri 29-Jul-16 20:43:38

I really have no idea why you would stay with him, he sounds a complete nightmare

PeppasNanna Fri 29-Jul-16 20:45:26

Sounds awful...
I really feel for the dc involved.
What would it take for you to leave?

sansXsouci Fri 29-Jul-16 20:47:29

What is stopping you from ending it with him, is it his house or do you rent/own it together? Is it money?

Babylionn2 Fri 29-Jul-16 20:51:09

honestlyif it was just me I would be off but something is stopping me and I don't know what. Don't get me wrong when it suits him he can be a good dad (I'm painting a picture of the extreme behaviours) and I do believe he loves his kids but he loves himself more. The drinking is not normal and it's only going to get worse for the kids the older they get if it still continues. I feel like I can't get out if I wanted as when his behaviour reaches a peak where even he disgusts and shocks himself he will appear to turn over a new leaf but he slips back into old habits. Honestly reading it back I don't blame anyone for thinking I'm a complete muppet for putting up with it he is never violent just acts like a child and throws a tantrum. It's sickening

Babylionn2 Fri 29-Jul-16 20:53:51

We rent together, he wouldn't leave. His family wouldn't have him if we split up. I don't have the money to get a new place and the thought of trying to do it alone scares me, even tho I'm pretty much holding up an income for basic essentials on my own anyway as he squanders every penny he earns.

sansXsouci Fri 29-Jul-16 20:57:57

The gambling and the drinking are worrying, you could find yourself in loads of debt. I know it's really easy to say ltb and really difficult to do. Maybe start formulating a plan, find out what if any benefits you's be entitled to, where you'd live etc. Knowing what situation you'd be in might make it easier to make a break.

TheABC Fri 29-Jul-16 20:59:24

It sounds like your life will be a lot easier without him! I would take steps to move out and separate pronto, for you and the kids. Do you really want baliffs knocking on the door or things going missing to feed his gambling addiction? Do you really want to come home from work to find your older child taking care of the younger because "daddy's drinking again". Do you really want your kids to grow up thinking if they throw a tantrum with their partner, they will get their way?

You gave already paid in spades for the choice you made when you were 19. You don't have to keep paying. Neither do your children.

smilingeyes11 Fri 29-Jul-16 21:01:30

Unfaithful, drinking gambler. You deserve so much better than this. I am sorry you don't have the strength to leave - I would wonder how much strength it takes to live with such a man. Leaving couldn't possibly be worse than what you are enduring now. And I am sure you would get top up benefits to enable you to support yourself.

Am not surprised his family wouldn't take him back.

thewideeyedpea Fri 29-Jul-16 21:04:28

You are not a muppet. I really feel for you and it's a horrible situation to be in. Do you have any close family or friends who could help /support you if you left? It's clearly not a good situation for you or your dc to be in. Sending you a big hug

43percentburnt Fri 29-Jul-16 21:08:04

Find out exactly what money you would receive - check entitled to and check the cms calculator.

Are you on a rolling tenancy? Do they owe you a damage deposit when you leave? Whose is that?

Could your parents lend you money to cover 1 months rent plus the deposit?

Questions are just food for thought- you don't have to reply. Knowledge is power, get the answers and store them for the future. Put anything precious and valuable at your friends or pRents for safe keeping.

If you were my daughter I would want to know and I'd want you safe and happy with me. You were only 19, you are 26 now? you still have a lifetime ahead of you. Staying with him out of duty/concern for him/embarrassment admitting to family you made an error, means you have more unhappy years ahead of you.

Joysmum Fri 29-Jul-16 21:52:23

The thought of being tied to the likes of him would scare me more than going it alone confused

MatildaTheCat Fri 29-Jul-16 23:28:06

He was lovely during childbirth and recent stillbirth? You know what? So are most men, even absolute losers and bastards. I am so sorry for your loss.

Also,you do NOT have to give him a BJ every night. End of. He is a nightmare and you do need to move on without him but while you get ready, please stop doing this. Tell him you've got oral herpes, anything but you do not have to do it.

This can be better. Talk to people in RL and make plans. flowers

TheABC Sat 30-Jul-16 13:24:43

You need to get your name off the tenancy, so when you do leave, you are not responsible for him defaulting on payments. Or, just have your name on the agreement and kick him out. Where he goes after that is not your problem. Since he is being unfaithful to you, he could well have another woman lined up to be the next sucker to look after him.

Check online for what you could get in benefits if he leaves. I would also book an appt with your GP or GUM clinic for STDs (sorry).

Nanny0gg Sat 30-Jul-16 17:25:31

What are you doing??

Read your post and wake up!

And please don't call this piece of work a good dad! He isn't. Not by any definition there is.

Have you friends or family in RL you can turn to? But realise, you already are doing it alone - with a dead weight around your neck.

MsStricty Sat 30-Jul-16 22:19:46

"honestlyif it was just me I would be off but something is stopping me and I don't know what."

I would suggest, OP, that what stops you is the power of your childhood conditioning. We tend to revert to type, and "type" is set with our parents. That's what's stopping you: because having the kind of partner you want and need is out of your deeply ingrained experience.

Get as much support as you can, including therapy - whichever kind suits you - to find out how you can break out of those invisible ties that hold you in place.

You may look back one day (with any luck!) and see how much you've changed.

toptoe Sat 30-Jul-16 22:27:02

Hope is stopping you. Hope it will change. The dream of a happy, loving partner. I think you have to let this go.

toptoe Sat 30-Jul-16 22:27:34

As in let the dream go. It's not reality.

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