This is going to be a long post...apologies...
The crux of the problem: my parents want me to visit them. I do not.
The wider reasons behind the problem: I left home at 18. Now in my mid 30's, my parents have never visited me. I have lived all over the world, and now live in a city about an hour and a half away from them and have done for the best part of 15 years. They have never seen any of the homes I lived in, met any of my friends, or traveled to see me. They are both able bodied and drive, and have access to transport. I went home in between terms when at Uni, and once I'd left, I went when I could afford it, and then as regularly as I could. I met my ex and took him to meet them. Neither side really liked each other, and were vocal about this, which made further meetings difficult, so they didn't happen. After 6 years, I broke up with the ex and parents were (surprisingly) very supportive. I last visited them about a year ago. Recently, a great surprise was to discover they were coming to 'my' city, yet didn't bother to tell me, or organise to meet up. I did manage to schedule some time off work to go and meet them, as a surprise.
The truth of the matter: I am convinced DM is narcissistic and DF very much her enabler. Neither has any social life, or friends. They live in their own little world, with just the two of them for company. They don't have any hobbies. I don't think they have a happy marriage, but would rather stay together and make each other miserable as it's 'what they know', rather than divorce. I am an only child, so no siblings for support. No other family. I find going home to be a depressing, upsetting experience that usually results in a train ride back in tears. We don't really ever do anything as a family, maybe a tedious day out somewhere boring (like a garden centre, my idea of hell), and we generally eat at separate times, in separate rooms, having separate meals. We don't really 'talk'. DF goes to the pub evening, DM watches TV by herself until she goes to bed about 9pm. I think they are both bored and lonely, and that's why they want me to visit. But when I do, I sit in my room, alone, as they are not really interested in interacting with me. I can't talk about the majority of my life as they have little to say about it or are very disinterested. If it's not about her, DM is very dismissive and belittling about it. She will look to find the negative in any situation. I am used to not telling them anything - if I tell them I went on holiday the first thing they will say is 'why didn't you visit us instead?'. I don't want to talk about my new bf as I strongly suspect my parents will be somewhat racist. I don't talk about work as 'why don't you give it up and come and work in our business and live at home?'. Neither has been in 'typical' working environment (i.e an office where you have to abide by HR rules and policies, annual leave quotas, where you can't just do what you want, but have performance reviews, and deadlines and pressure) for over 30 years or more. They have their own business, which they run how they want. I don't talk about friends as they don't know any of them, so there is no frame of reference. I also try to avoid the news as they can come out with quite bigoted views. If I talk about things I've seen or been to, I get blank looks and silence. As they rarely leave the house, and if they do it's a very small world- shops, library etc, they have nothing to talk about, or tell me about some neighbour I've never met. They live in an area which is not a place I grew up in, just somewhere they moved to a few years ago, so I don't know anyone. There is absolutely nothing to do, the most exciting things nearby are a post office and a phone box, maybe a cow or two. Deep countryside.
I am regularly, (several times a week, by phone/email/text message) harangued into coming home. Any problems I have are always ended with 'well...if you'd come home, we could talk about this' or 'this is your fault, if you'd come home we could have sorted this'. I get beleaguered text messages 'when are you coming home?'. I want to say "NEVER!". I feel like a library book they order but don't actually want to read, something they can recall at a moment's notice. I work a full time job, with not huge amounts of annual leave. If a problem kicks off on a Friday, then bang goes my weekend. I work around 8am-6pm, and its rare to get a lunch break. I eat a salad at my desk. If I offer to come home for the weekend, they say 'that's not enough time, there's no point in coming home just for 2 days'. But I don't want to use precious annual leave on what will be a miserable experience.
How I need MN help: I just don't know what to do about the endless demanding messages to 'go home'. I know that to make two parents happy, I could go. But it would make me very unhappy. I also know, from experience, it would not stop the demands. They would cease for a couple of days then start again. They will not be happy until I live at home. (Which will not happen). I have tried numerous ways of explaining why I don't want to go home. They seem to either 'not hear' or to ignore my explanations. I have tried being honest or forthright 'why can't we just speak on the phone? why do I have to go home?', which they ignore. I have tried explaining that I have small amounts of annual leave, which they conveniently forget. I have tried being vague 'oh, I don't know when I'll next go home'. I have tried reversing it 'well, I can't get time off work, but why don't you visit me as you've NEVER done that?' which they either ignore, or give some odd explanation for.
I have never done things like...go shopping for clothes or had a spa day with my DM. Or gone to an art gallery with them. Or had a holiday since I was 13 with them. All the things that other people seem to do with their parents.
So...what do I do? The thought of going home to make them makes me feel low, useless and depressed. I feel isolated and minimised at home. I feel like they are judgmental strangers. A few years ago DM casually told me that I was a 'mistake' baby, but once they had me 'they loved me'. I went to boarding school from 4-18 (with times of being a day girl), and hardly ever saw DF as he was always at work. When they describe me to other people, I don't recognise the version, as they seem proud. But when they are with me, I get the distinct impression I am a huge disappointment. But I can't put my finger on why, or what it is they would prefer me to do. I realise I have spent a lot of my life trying to please them, and I just can't do it anymore, which is why I don't tell them anything about my life. For example, I was recently honoured at work for something, and received written praise/comments from colleagues. Both parents' reaction was 'oh they must hate you, showing them up like that' or 'teachers pet'. If I send them a gift (mothers/fathers day/birthdays/xmas) it often goes unacknowledged. But if I forget their wedding anniversary (an event that took place before I was even born!), DM is perfectly capable of sending me to Coventry for months (which I find quite a relief, actually).
Please...what should I do? Thank you, grateful for any wisdom.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
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Parents- I have lost all sense of perspective and need collective MN wisdom
kardashianklone · 25/07/2016 16:39
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