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Why did I let it happen again? I'm so stupid!

(13 Posts)
Suchaplonker Wed 20-Jul-16 19:08:00

First ever post but I'm so emotional and sad i had to just write this down and here seemed right.
However Im bracing myself for a lot of hard talking but please but gentle (even if for 24hrs)!
I was married for 14yrs. We seperated 2yrs ago. The marriage was more than over and we were both ready to move on.
I had such high hopes and excitement for a new relationship but managed to fuck it up majorly. After some time single and realising at 40 yrs old pubs and clubs aren't a great way to meet new people I joined online dating. After a few weeks I met a man who lived an hour away. He was a gentleman, kind and what appeared genuine. We started way too quickly in hind sight and we fell for each other pretty quickly.
After several months travelling back and forth things went downhill. He became distant and made no time for me (a chef so long hours!). In January I become unwell and contracted herpes. I asked him had he been unfaithful and he confessed. I asked him to leave and we didn't speak for some time. I was absolutely heart broken.
It took me a while to get over the deceit and hurt but I did. I stopped looking for a relationship and focused on myself and my children.
Well a a while back he got back in touch asking how we all were. I was in a good happy place so messaged back and conversations carried on from there until we agreed to meet for coffee. That coffee led to another and more recently I ended up back in the bedroom with him.
He made promises of spending time together and making time for me this coming week but has just called to say he has to work and we won't be seeing each other. Not the first time he's let me down after being back in touch. I came off the phone so upset so sent a message saying I was saddened he could not just put me first and after everything that's happened at least make an effort to make a mends and make a bloody effort! Hes ignored me and won't pick up if I call.
I knew we weren't ever going to end up in a fulfilling loving relationship but had hoped we could at least enjoy some time together but ultimately he would be honest and caring.
So, whilst I appreciate I've been a dumb ass letting this man back in to my life what I can't get my head around is why I can't move on? How can I still have feelings for this man? How could I still want to sleep with him? Even now I just miss hearing from him. What the fuck is wrong with me? I can't stop crying as know this is the end and it should have been back in January when he did such an awful thing.
I havr never classed myself as a push over or thick yet this man makes me that person as well an emotional wreck. As much as I say to myself "move the fuck on he's scum" I know I will still fall asleep with my phone next to me feeling upset he can't even just call and explain why he came back in to my life to torture me some more? I actually told him he only did it to see if he could get me back in to bed and he was actually mortified and offended. Why do these men exsist????
Sorry for epic story and again if you've made it this far please be gentle with me.

cheapskatemum Wed 20-Jul-16 22:06:33

Read the No Contact for 30 Days thread and the article the OP links to. It's just what you need and and other posters have put lots of good advice on there too. Oh and forgive yourself, everyone makes mistakes. Good Luck!

ProcrastinatingSquid2 Thu 21-Jul-16 09:07:47

I wonder if the end of your marriage hit you quite hard and you were pinning your hopes on a new relationship to take your mind off that, so when you met this man, you thought this was it. It's a bit clichéd but maybe you need to spend time getting so that you're happy single. That way you're less likely to see qualities in a man that aren't there and allow him to treat you badly more than once.

footballcrazy11 Thu 21-Jul-16 12:02:33

I am going through a similar thing and it is really hard however what is helping me is meeting other men that treat me with respect. I am beginning to realise I am worth more than the loser who is messing around with my feelings. He doesn't care about you so don't care about him.
I hope you are ok

HotNatured Thu 21-Jul-16 12:51:02

OMG this man is a creep. As cheapskate says read the NC thread and claw back the self esteem this man has clearly destroyed. He cheated on you, then passed on a lifelong infection, which could have been a LOT worse, and he makes up for it by treating you like this. What a scumbag. Pls think about why you let a man like this in your life. I strongly recommend therapy and never allowing this cretin to darken your door again.

Suchaplonker Thu 21-Jul-16 15:56:41

Thank you so much for your advise guys. I am at work so cant stay on here but wanted to say thank you for being gentle.
ProcrastinatingSquid2, I think you are right regarding the marriage and pinning hopes on anew man helping. My ex husband moved in with his girlfriend and they had a baby and although I didn't want him back as I don't love him it hit me hard I craved the love and attention he never gave yet he ended up finding someone before he had even moved out. My friends say that I need to adjust being comfortable alone at home and I am definitely struggling when the children are with their dad and I have too much time to spare.
Footballcrazy11, i'm sorry to hear you're going through the same, its so upsetting. I tried going on a date recently but it ended with the man (whose company I was enjoying) trying it on and asking for sex. I said no, he was fine then kept trying to sex text and when I didn't respond he stopped calling/messaging so at the moment I have a very dim view of men.
HotNatured, self esteem now rock bottom and I never thought I would be in this place so I really do need to claw it back. I am still coming to terms with the life long illness and whilst waiting for full results I prayed I didn't have anything else as knew how possible it was after what he'd done. That's why I am more angry with myself I let him back in as what sane women would let her self be treated that way yet even consider talking to him ever again let alone coffee and sex??!! One thing is for sure I can not communicate ever again with him, there is no way forward in a relationship with a man like that but I need to find a way to deal with it all and therapy a good idea. I am just so mad I let this happen. But why are there such awful human beings out there? I had such high hopes leaving my miserable marriage and look where I am? I may as well have stayed miserable with my husband as at least I knew what I was getting!
thanks again ladies I really appreciate your comments. xx

user1469103274 Thu 21-Jul-16 16:24:44

I am in a similar type of situation where after being with someone for years who psychically and mentally abused me i pinned all my hopes and dreams on this one guy and talked about our future and we were so happy.

And within a matter of weeks he keeps saying he needs space to think about things , is being very sneaky and cagey. And the only reason i can come up with in my head is that hes cheating. or hes talking to someone else but cant make up his mind.

My heads a mess with it all because i love him so much and all i want is him , yet hes treating me so badly and making me feel awful and feel like im on a string and hes taking advantage of this knowing i want to be with him . and i dont know if im being paranoid or not due to cheaters in the past !

HotNatured Thu 21-Jul-16 16:29:52

Pls stop beating yourself up over this. You haven't done anything wrong. You just got involved with a twat, that's all. You presumed you were in a loving monogamous relationship, any one of us could find ourselves in that situation.

Therapy really helped me. It made me stronger and helped me see that I'm actually pretty great in general grin (and anyone who disagrees well that's their loss grin grin )

You're right, there are some awful human beings out there, but there are also nice ones, just look at all the support people give to strangers on MN alone. And not all men are arseholes, some are lovely! But you won't meet a lovely one til you get your self esteem sorted as men like him can smell vulnerability. So get looking for a therapist and let today be the first day of your new life. Minus fuckface x

Suchaplonker Thu 21-Jul-16 16:50:41

user1469103274, what a horrible place to be in but what I will say is if nothing else I will never ignores my gut instinct again and I advise you do the same. This man I was seeing used his work and even his children as reasons to not see me or message me yet every time I was with him he was glued to his phone. I always had a sinking feeling something was amiss but because I was happy with the time we spent together, no matter how brief, I ignored it. yet I was totally right and now punishing myself for allowing it to happen. ALWAYS trust your instincts.
HotNatured, thank you again, you are so right, there is no point beating myself up, he was a twat plain and simple and smelled my vulnerability a mile off. I had great counselling at the GUM clinic as I was a mess while they treated me, they were fantastic and all the staff said I was in worst position because if it was a one night stand it would be bad enough but I did what I thought was right, entered in to a relationship both agreeing to be exclusive (he even brought that conversation up first!), used condoms when first started having sex, discussed any previous issues or testing, I felt completely at ease, yet there I was at 40, in a clinic being treated for an STI, I was devastated. they did suggest further counselling but I didn't follow it up. Now thinking it through, when it first all happened I asked him to leave when he confessed. I didn't call or message , I went completely AWOL on him. I didn't shout or scream I just retreated in to myself. When he got back in touch he was surprised I wasn't emotional all guns blazing, however now I am and I think its a delayed reaction. Yesterday I let it all out on him and told him what a gutless coward he was and how much I hated him and had no doubts he'd be out fucking his next victim this weekend. Childish? Possibly? However I needed to say something hurtful! His response "Too much hate....too much emotion".....urghhh what a bastard!!

Suchaplonker Thu 21-Jul-16 16:54:34

"Let today be the first day of your new life. Minus fuckface x" Keep rereading that HotNatured and its making me smile for first time in ages! I really am going to see it that way as of today smile xx

HotNatured Thu 21-Jul-16 17:15:31

OMG what a prick saying to you "too much hate ... too much emotion". How fucking DARE he say that to you after what he's put your through. I feel so angry for you and I don't even know you ! All the best and change your username you are anything but a plonker star

Suchaplonker Thu 21-Jul-16 20:43:03

Yep total prick HotNatured and thanks for being criss for me. I must admit that comment tipped me over the edge as it seemed to come across as I rolling and tsking like I was being a drama Queen. I was livid!! However if I didn't care I wouldn't be so mad. I've looked at counselling today so going to focus on that and looking after myself. A friends taking me out for drinks Saturday to stop me wallowing so fingers crossed I can start putting all this shit behind me. Thank you for your kinds words smile xx

Suchaplonker Thu 21-Jul-16 20:44:29

Poor grammar, sorry, using mobile!

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